Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

I wonder how long it's gonna take for you guys to find and then figure out the pun.... and without using Google to cheat.

25660286_10213581284040367_7310808824231149418_n.jpg
 
AggieMike88 said:
I wonder how long it's gonna take for you guys to find and then figure out the pun.... and without using Google to cheat.

25660286_10213581284040367_7310808824231149418_n.jpg
Click to expand...

Think I put that one up a page or three back....

edit: not by me, post 3375
 
Husband & Wife Christmas Shopping



Jimmy and Candi were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.



Candi suddenly noticed that Jimmy was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.



Candi asked, “Jimmy, where are you? You know that we have lots to do."



Jimmy said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace?



I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."



Little tears started to flow down Candis cheek, and she got all choked up.



"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.



"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."
 
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."


"They don't like that in Heaven", said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!

 
Couldn't resist posting twice, this has to do with flying and thermodynamics

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

  1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
  2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
 
1RTK1 said:
His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Click to expand...

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that joke prior to 1997. This version seems to have added names and dates that aren’t in the versions of it that I’ve read and a formal course name. Interesting. I’m too lazy to go search the USENET archives right now.

But more importantly, when you re-read it, you realize any Professor who did that, is a total dick.
 
denverpilot said:
But more importantly, when you re-read it, you realize any Professor who did that, is a total dick.
Click to expand...

Agree that it is true that the prof is out of line to go off topic like that in a technical course. Have seen much worse from tenured faculty. Course title was well testing. Half of the course material was business development. ABET reviews and industry advisory boards can really squash this type of behavior.
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said... "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?"
 
Clark1961 said:
Agree that it is true that the prof is out of line to go off topic like that in a technical course. Have seen much worse from tenured faculty. Course title was well testing. Half of the course material was business development. ABET reviews and industry advisory boards can really squash this type of behavior.
Click to expand...
I had a test once where all of a sudden someone stood up and said "May the force be with you". Sure enough there was a question that said "if you are the first to get to this question and you stand up and say "may the force..." you get 5 extra points.
 
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's ... farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her (___)s are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
 
A guy takes a seat at a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
 
An engineer dies and is sent to Hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The air conditioning has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly, and Hell gets a little more enjoyable for everyone.

Walking around one day, the engineer notices that the moving walkway motor has jammed, so he unjams it. People can now get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high-def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out, and notices that everyone down there is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks.

God asks the Devil “What’s up?”

The Devil replies, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer!”

“What?” says God, “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”

The Devil laughs. “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
 
An old Woman was asked,
"At your ripe age, what would you prefer
to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons -
Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle.
 
A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu.

After the stopover, a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister. After the plane was airborne, to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken. The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The ole Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said... "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
A dog limps into a bar.
The bartender says “we don’t serve dogs”
The dog says “oh I’m not here to drink I’m just looking for the man who shot my paw”
 
Question: What's the difference between making love to a prostitute, your mistress and your wife?

Answer: When you're done making love to a prostitute, she says, "That was amazing! You're incredible! No one has ever made me feel like that!"

When you're done making love to your mistress, she says, "What it as good for you as it was for me?"

When you're done making love to your wife, she says, "Beige. We should really paint the ceilings beige."
 
upstateny said:
Question: What's the difference between making love to a prostitute, your mistress and your wife?

Answer: When you're done making love to a prostitute, she says, "That was amazing! You're incredible! No one has ever made me feel like that!"

When you're done making love to your mistress, she says, "What it as good for you as it was for me?"

When you're done making love to your wife, she says, "Beige. We should really paint the ceilings beige."
Click to expand...

In addition,...
You give the prositute $100.
You give the mistress a BMW.
You give the wife a house.
 
This will warm your heart at Christmas time...





There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.



One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.



The letter read:





"Dear God,



I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.



Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...



Can you please help me?



Sincerely, Edna"





The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.



The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glowthinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.



Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.



All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:





"Dear God,


How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?



Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.



By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.



Sincerely,



Edna"
 
Half Fast said:
I have learned that it’s important to find a woman who is fantastic in bed, a woman who loves you deeply and passionately, a woman who is a great domestic partner - and it is vital that these women never meet.
Click to expand...

My thoughts too. :D
 
A teenager goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. Confused by the selection, he asks the pharmacist for help.
Pharmacist: Well first you have to decide if you want the 6-pack, 9-pack or 12-pack.
Teen: What's the difference?
Well the 6-pack is for our Greek couples. One each for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, but never on Sunday.
Hmmm. What about the 9-pack?
Well, that's for our engaged couples, one each for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.
Wow, this is sounding good. What about the 12-pack.
Ah.. That's for our married couples. One for January, one for February,.......
 
A balding, white haired man walked into a jeweler store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000', the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said,'Sir...There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
 
With some of the "interestingly frustrating" customers visiting my place to day.... This has become the theme song du jour

 
AggieMike88 said:
With some of the "interestingly frustrating" customers visiting my place to day.... This has become the theme song du jour

Click to expand...

OMG. I’ve had that song memorized since the 80s. I hadn’t heard it in forever though. Hahaha.

A true Dr. Demento classic there.
 
denverpilot said:
OMG. I’ve had that song memorized since the 80s. I hadn’t heard it in forever though. Hahaha.

A true Dr. Demento classic there.
Click to expand...
That’s where it lives, on my Dr. Demento Spotify playlist. Along with

“The Scotsman” by Brian Bowers
Spike Jones and the City Slickers
Ton Lehrer
Alan Sherman
They’re coming to take me away Ha-ha (I Picture this to be the theme song of several folks here)
Bill Cosby - The “Himself” album
Tai Kwan Leap (Boot to the Head)
 
Roy Rogers had seen a beautiful fancy pair of cowboy boots in the general store. It had fancy hand-tooled leather, with decoration that any cowboy would love to show off. Roy decided that he had to have that pair of expensive boots- and so, went out and risked his life capturing desperados for the reward money, headed cattle, broke broncos- anything he could do to raise the cash to buy those boots. Finally, after a lot of hard work- he had enough money to buy the precious boots!

Well, Roy was very proud of those boots- and all the cowpokes and townspeople stood gazing in admiration at his fancy footwear.The boots were Roy’s pride and joy…and then, one day, when Roy went into the bunkhouse where he had left them- he saw the beautiful boots torn to shreds! He surveyed the damage in the bunkhouse- and realized that a wildcat that had been reported prowling around the ranch had snuck into the bunkhouse when no one was there, and chewed up everything in sight- blankets, matresses, clothing- and, sadly- Roy’s boots.

Roy was furious- and word quickly spread about what had happened. The townspeople saw a resolute Roy head out into the far reaches of the ranch, intent on only one thing- finding that wildcat.He searched high and low, not stopping to eat, until just before sunset- he saw the vicious wildcat on top of a bluff. The cat saw him, too- and was about to leap at Roy, when the cowboy’s lightning-quick reflexes made him pull out his gun, and blast the animal! Roy had his revenge…and he hoisted the now inert body of the wildcat up onto his horse right behind his saddle. He rode back to town, and, when he arrived- the townspeople spotted him and his victim, and all said as one (to the tune of “Chattanooga Choochoo”)- “Pardon me, Roy- is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
 
When the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie
that's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
with a pain you can't stand
that's a moray.

When our habits are strange
and our customs deranged
that's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
and the bales total four
that's some more hay.

When a beam from the sun
lights the heath where we run
that's a moor ray.

When a sand-coated board
buffs your nails, yes milord,
that's emory.

And our friend Mitch Albom
every Tuesday would come
to hear Morrie.

A New Zealander lad
sports tatoos by his dad.
That's a Maori.

When a glacier's retreat
piles up stones at its feet
that's a moraine.

When two patterns of lines
cross to form new designs,
that's a moiré.

The briefest of pauses
in poetic clauses,
they are morae.

What the palest young man
needs to get a good tan,
that's some more rays.

When Othello's poor wife,
she gets stabbed with a knife
that's a Moor, eh?

In a shell when a bloke
lifts his paddle to stroke
that's an oar raise.

A great whale in the sea
chases Raymond and me.
That's Shamu, Ray.
 
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