Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Bill Jennings said:
A favorite of mine at Chinese auction xmas parties is to take 6 or so cans of tuna, stack them up and tape them, and then very nicely wrap them to resemble a bottle of booze. Cost of tuna $6. Look on booze hounds face when they realize they have 6 cans of starkist? Priceless......
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:( :D
 
MALE LOGIC... FLAWLESS



THIS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS FIVE OR SIX QUESTIONS WHICH HE ANSWERED QUITE SIMPLY,

BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION.

WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

MAN: YES

WOMAN: HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?

MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE

WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?

MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP

WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE

WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?

MAN: CORRECT

WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?


MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?

WOMAN: NO.

MAN: WHERE IS YOUR F***ing AIRPLANE?
 
Anymouse said:
From what I hear, Christmas has been canceled.

Apparently, it has come out that Santa asked a girl if she was naughty or nice, then made her sit on his lap. He's now been fired.
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I never trusted that guy.
 
mscard88 said:
The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”
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No no no.

The third room has ladies and gentlemen wearing evening attire happily conversing and drinking coffee from fine china. But the room is filled waist-deep with cow manure.

After the choice is made and the door closes, the devil says, "Allright everyone, coffee break's over. Back on your heads!!!"
 
A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.
 
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:


We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.


A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

“Blind man driving.”


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”


In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.”


On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.”


On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”


On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”


On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.”


In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

will take appropriate action.”


On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.”


At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”


Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”


At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”


At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank Heaven for little grills.”


In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak.”


And the best one for last…;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”
 
FROZEN CARBURETOR

*People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the
positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a
frozen carburetor.*

*Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper
on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The
biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face
helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.


“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.


"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.


"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."


"I can't," said the biker.


"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."


The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.


Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.


A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks
from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill..."
 
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No', replied the Irishman. 'It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
 
MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist, conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,

"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner".
 
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
 
Looks like he's driving one of those gas guzzling DC-9s. No wonder he's begging. The $100 I can afford to send him may get him started and allow him to taxi halfway to the runway. LOL.
 
Or very good habits, depending on your point of view.


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