Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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I caught my wife in bed with another woman

I said I want a divorce

Then she said the two words that always make for a reconciliation: "Join us".
 
Chaney and Katja were on their way home from the night club one night and Chaney got pulled over by the traffic police. The officer told Chaney that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. Chaney said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”

Just then Katja said, “I knew this would happen when I told you three days ago to get that light fixed.”

So the officer asked for Chaney’s driving license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”

And again Chaney apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Katja said, “I told you two weeks ago that the transport authorities sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, Chaney is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Katja, shut your mouth!”

The officer then leaned over toward Katja and asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”

Katja answered, “Only when he’s drunk.”
 
A couple who had been married for 54 years stopped at a restaurant they dined at on their honeymoon. As they enjoyed their dinner, they reminisced about their early days, a cop seated nearby couldn't help but overhear and was moved by their sweetness and longlasting love for one another.
"We had breakfast here the morning after out wedding night" recalled the old man to his wife.
"I remember it well" she blushed back, then whispered "Then you screwed me against the fence behind the parking lot when no one was looking. Maybe we should sneak out back just for old times sake."
The old man was thrilled that his wife was still as cheeky as ever and gladly obliged. "Right this way, my love" he said as he lead her past the cops table and out the back door.
The cop averted his eyes, not wanting them to know he had overheard their private memories but he was concerned about their safety. Times had changed over the decades after all and they could get mugged out there, so he waited a moment then followed, keeping a respectful distance.
He peeked around the corner to see the old man lay down his cane and drop his pants as she hiked up her dress. The cop was shocked but didn't want to interrupt them.
Then the old man pressed his wife against the fence and, to the cops utter surprise, the old couple flailed, grunted and howled like the cop had never seen in his life. He tried not to look but couldn't help himself...the wild movements, the gnashing of teeth, the energy they put into their lovemakinig was astounding. They finally dropped to the ground exhausted. About ten minutes later they stood and adjusted their clothing and hair before heading back to their table.
As much as he didn't want to intrude, the cop was downright jealous and just had to ask how the old man did it.
"Excuse me sir. I don't mean to be rude and didn't want to interrupt but I overheard your sweet exchange st your table and followed you outside for your own safety. Not to impose on your privacy and intimacy but that was one hell of a moment out there. How do you do it? Exercise? Diet? Have you always been this way?"
The old man answered "I don’t know about exercise or diet but I do know that 54 years ago that fence wasn't electric."
 
It was my wife’s birthday and she called me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk.” I said. “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked. She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”
 
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
 
Could be taken big good and bad ways, but if you’re the uncle who lets the nephews and brides have some fun when mom and dad aren’t looking...

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"


Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
 
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This one may or may not be a joke, I’m not sure..

Anyone else wear a motocross helmet in the cockpit?
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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
(THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT)
 
I saw a car parked in a handicap spot yesterday, and was pretty annoyed that they did not have a handicap tag. Then I realized the plate was from Texas, and figured..."Close enough".

And you know what they call the guy who finishes last in his class at Law School? A lawyer.
 
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.


Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep.


However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.


“OK, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.


Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.


“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.


“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.


“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”
 
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