Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
 
denverpilot said:
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Click to expand...
That ain't a shifter! That's a knob for dumb people who don't know how to operate a transmission properly. Or maybe are too lazy. Either. Doesn't matter.
My shifter puts my transmission in the gear *I* want/need. Ever had an unexpected automatic downshift under heavy lateral load? Not fun to fix! :)
 
Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours.


After their forbidden love while they are lying in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver.


The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”


Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”


“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
 
Amanda goes to Thailand to attend a week-long company education session.

Her husband Dave drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.



Amanda says: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

Dave laughs and says: “A Thai girl!”


Amanda kept quiet and left.


A week later Dave picks his wife up in the airport and asks:

“So, darling, how was the education session?”


Amanda replies; “Very good, thank you.”


“And, what happened to my present?” Dave asks.


“Which present?” Amanda asked.


Dave answers; “The one I asked for, a Thai girl!”


“Oh,” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for nine months to see if it is a boy or a girl!”
 
Husband comes home late again one night. He's really been burning the midnight oil at work, and feels badly about the time away from his wife. He knows she deserves so much better and determines to make it up to her. Quietly, he disrobes and works his way under the covers, then he gently and with great passion, spends the next hour taking her places she's never been. Finally, exhausted, he goes to the kitchen to make his own sammich. He turns on the light and sees his wife on the couch.

"Honey", he asks, "what are you doing out here?"

"Oh, I didn't get a chance to tell you. My mom is visiting and I let her have our room."
 
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put somecoffee in front of him.
“Judi,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an *******,” John said. “**** on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.
 
A young man came to see an old man of wisdom.
“You are very old and clever. Help me, please. Tell me how I should overcome my fear. I am afraid of one thing in my life. I am afraid to die alone. What should I do?”
After a minute of silence, the old man of wisdom replied:
“You should become a pilot or a bus driver.”
 
A guy walks into a bar, followed by 10 beautiful blondes, who are very affectionate to him. He orders a round of drinks for everyone in the place, pays for it, and tells the bartender to keep the change.

All of a sudden, a little man, one foot tall, jumps out of the guy’s shirt pocket, and runs around the bar, kicking over drinks, peeing in the pretzel bowls, and calling the other customers names.

The bartender looks at the man, and asks him, “What’s going on?”

The guy replies, “Well, I found a lamp on the street but it was dirty so I tried to clean it by rubbing it. A genie came out and granted me 3 wishes. So I asked for 10 beautiful blondes, a million dollars in cash, and a 12-inch prick.”
 
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