Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
 
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said... "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle... "You're shi**ing me, right? You can't even find the frikkin Post Office."
 
A lifeguard told me to stop peeing in the pool.

I told him everyone does it.

He replied, "Not from the high dive!"
 
A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said,

"You know, my wife got a pretty good look at you."
 
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."
 
Steve, Bob, and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.

Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously.

After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. “So did you tell her?” asks Jeff.

“Yep,” replies Bob.

“Say, where did you get the pizza?”

Bob informs Jeff. “She bought it for me.”

“WHAT??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?”

“Sure,” Bob says.

“WHY?” asks Jeff.

“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, "are you Steve’s widow?'”

“Widow?”, she said, “No, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!”

So I said: “I’ll bet you a pizza you ARE!'”
 
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Talking Frog

Jack is 87 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat when he
heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. Jack said,
"Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me. I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more
sexual pleasure than you ever could dream of having."

Jack looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

The frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? Kiss me and
I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age, I'd
rather have a talking frog."
 
@mscard88 ... more of the wrong identity memes.

I LOL at these, I really do...

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While out riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shinny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

“An ambulance just drove by!”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike!”

“Looks like the Sanders are moving!!”

“Jason is on his skate board!”

After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle.”
 
Best one is at the end. LOL...

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
__________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
__________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
Andy and Annie are watching one of those TV preachers one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces,

“My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”

Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
 
The farmer and his wife still don't have the 'lectricity and she goes into labor. He sends one of the hands to fetch the doctor.

The doc arrives and he needs the farmer to hold a lantern because it's getting dark.

The doc works for a while and delivers a healthy baby.

A minute later the doc says, "What do you know, looks like one more is on the way!" A little while later, he delivers a second healthy baby.

Another minute later the doc says, "Hang on, here comes another one!"

The farmer starts backing away and the doctor says, "Get back here, I need the light."

The farmer says, "I think it's the light that's attracting them, doc!"
 
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ....... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now .. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $40,000.00 car, a nice king bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
 
Matthew said:
The farmer and his wife still don't have the 'lectricity and she goes into labor. He sends one of the hands to fetch the doctor.

The doc arrives and he needs the farmer to hold a lantern because it's getting dark.

The doc works for a while and delivers a healthy baby.

A minute later the doc says, "What do you know, looks like one more is on the way!" A little while later, he delivers a second healthy baby.

Another minute later the doc says, "Hang on, here comes another one!"

The farmer starts backing away and the doctor says, "Get back here, I need the light."

The farmer says, "I think it's the light that's attracting them, doc!"
Click to expand...

A farmer and his wife were expecting a baby. Around her due date, the rains started and flooded the creek in front of their house, blocking their way to the hospital just as she started to go into labor. The farmer called the doctor and asked him what to do. The doctor replied, "Childbirth is a natural process. You have cows, and you've seen them give birth many times. It's basically the same process, and I have confidence that the two of you can handle it. If there are any complications, call me immediately and I'll tell you what to do."

About 12 hours went by, and the doctor had not heard back from them, so he called their house. The farmer answered, "She gave birth to a healthy baby girl, and mother and daughter are doing fine." The doctor asked him how the delivery went, and he answered, "It went fine with just one little hitch." The doctor asked, "What was that?" The farmer answered, "I had a hell of a time getting her to eat the afterbirth.".
 
Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten
years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?‖ There was a stunned silence. No-
body knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night‖.
The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, a prominent politician and her entourage were watching the news conference. When she heard
what Kim said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.‖
Her office broke into thunderous applause.

I am pretty sure this is all true.
 
City guy moved out to the country to get away from it all. It didn't take long for him to begin to miss human companionship. Shortly after that realization, he saw some dust moving along the horizon, it was someone in a pickup truck, getting closer. After a while, the truck turned into the gravel drive, and another few minutes later, it stopped in front of his house.

Country guy got out of the truck and said, "Hey, neighbor! I just came over to welcome you to the neighborhood. Also, you're invited to my annual party tomorrow night. There will be drinking, dancing, and lots and lots of crazy sex."

City guy, longing for the touch of another, says, "Hey, yeah! That sounds like exactly what I need! Thanks a lot! Oh, yeah, and about the party... what should I wear?"

Country guy says, "Wear whatever you want. It's just going to be you and me."
 
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