Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Stuck,...and can't get them out!
 

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Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a river.

One blond calls to the other, "Hey! How did you get to the other side?

The other blonde yells back, "What are you talking about, you're already on the other side!"
 
I heard at Embry-Riddle they no longer have ice cubes.

The guy who knew the recipe, graduated.
 
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
 
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pubs


Sitting in a bar in the English Midlands, a Scotsman says, "As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.



When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said an Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said an Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"



The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"



"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." `

 
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the
Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been
coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature
is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale
force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and
just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
 
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in
a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the colour
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
 
Little Johnnie was at his therapist's office:

"So Johnnie, what is the worst thing you ever screamed out during sex?"

"My sister's name."

"Oh, my."

"Yeah. Mom was really ****ed off."
 
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy', the little girl asks,'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
gprellwitz said:
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy', the little girl asks,'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'
Click to expand...

LOL! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
I put my cell phone in Airplane mode, and tossed it into the sky. It just fell back to the ground, and didn't fly... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER!!
 
So a group of nuns was tasked with paining the ceiling of Sistine chapel. Not wanting to get paint on their habits, they decided to take them off and do the job naked.

A couple hours later there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Shouted one of the nuns.

"Blind man."

Having paint on her hands and not wanting to touch the door or her clothes, she decided it would be safe to allow the blind man to enter. "Come on in" she said.

"Nice tits sister. So, where do you want these blinds?"
 
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.
You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work.
It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To who?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.
Those who are out of work stopped looking.
They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer
in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as
less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%.
You don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you.
That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down,
and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
 
A German, a Frenchman, and an Irishman were all at the bar. The German goes for a leak, comes back and sees a fly in his pint. He calls the bartender and gets a new one. The Frenchmen goes and he comes back to see a fly in his as well, and likewise tells the barman to bring a new pint. The Irishman goes to the loo only to come back and sees a fly in his pint. He picks up the fly and yells, ''spit it out ya little bastard!"
 
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.



One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.



One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


Some old men can still think
 
A new age joke:



A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay, but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in.
 
A must have in every home in America !

For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!

In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product may skyrocket.

Washington thinks they are going to take away our guns, so check this out. I like it!

NAIL GUNS! AND, you don't even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for them!

AND, you don't have to worry about them being CONCEALED!

Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for Father's Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:

Thank you, DeWalt!!!



New Nail Gun, made by DeWalt

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,

And relax and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again.
 

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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that
'help' get an erection

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her a bottle
of diet pills!
 
rainsux said:
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that
'help' get an erection

You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her a bottle
of diet pills!
Click to expand...
:incazzato:<---- did it look like that? lol
 
So three nuns are walking down the street and a bus hits them. Bam, they are dead.

As they approach the gates of heaven, Saint Peter says "Hold on ladies, I know you're nuns and all so this should be easy, but I HAVE to ask you this one particular question. Have you ever, you know, been with a man?"

The first nun walks up sheepishly, and says, "Umm... well, there was this time with the priest down in the basement..."

"What happened?" Saint Peter asked.

"Well, I put my hand on...." The nun said.

"Okay okay okay! Enough! Look.... alright we can fix that. Just... go over to that vat of holy water, wash your hand in it, and you can go through the gate."

Just then, the third nun shoves the second nun out of the way and says "Saint Peter, Saint Peter, I need to be next!"

"Why?" Saint Peter asked.

"There is no way in hell I'm washing my mouth out in that water after SHE sticks her fat ass in it!"
 
Moses and J.C. are playing a round of golf. At the 9th hole, Par 3, J.C. asks Moses, "Whatta think, a 7 iron?" Moses says, "You'll never reach it with a 7!". J.C. re-examines his situation and says, "You know what? Phil Mickelson would use a 7 iron for this shot, so I'm gonna use a 7!"

So J.C. sets up and swings. Sure enough the ball falls short and lands in a pond. Completely miffed, J.C. walks down to the pond, then walks out on the water, bends down, reaches into the water and retrieves his ball.

Just then another two-some shows up on the tee. Amazed at what is going on, one of them says, "Who does that guy think he is, J.C.?" Moses, responds, "Nope. Actually he is J.C., he thinks he's Phil Mickelson...
 
A doctor had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medications that had been prescribed for her.

Looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for 'birth control pills'.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee."Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks.

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
 
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BRAVE MAN JOKES
>>
>> 1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>> Marry It!
>>
>> 2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>> A battery has a positive side.
>>
>>
>> 3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
>> waist?
>> Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there..
>>
>> 4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
>> Put a nipple on it.
>>
>> 5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
>> Because they think men care.
>>
>> 6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
>> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>>
>> 7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
>> you done wrong?
>> Made her chain too long
>>
>> 8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
>> never be able to support you.
>>
>> 9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
>> to the kitchen sink.
>>
>> 10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
>> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
>> pressure.
>>
>> 11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
>> the front door, who do you let in first ?
>> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>>
>> 12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
>> drive by 90%..
>> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>>
>> 13 - Why do men die before their wives?
>> They want to.
>>
 
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS, NO MORE
Z'S!


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

LOL! ! !

DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
(um, but not with your mother-in-law)
 
A touching story.......

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.


From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.


As she enters, she sees her husband sitting there reading a magazine.


"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
























 
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous & Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J & K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is somewhat optimistic
about saving his testicles.
 
Death, or..... Umaguma!!!!


So a couple sailors survived a shipwreck and made it to shore on some remote island. They were quickly surrounded by natives, and marched deep inside the jungle.

After being tied up, the chief approached the first man and said "Death, or umaguma?"

The first sailor said "Jeez, I have no idea what umaguma is. But I sure don't want to die. I'll take my chances. Let's go with umaguma."

The chief claps his hands. "Let it be. Umaguma!!" The natives go in to a frenzy, untie the sailor, strip his pants off, line up, and take turns doing him up the wazoo. After an excruciating forty five minutes, he's reeling over in pain, unable to get up.

The chief then approaches the second sailor. "Death, or umaguma?"

The sailor says "Oh hell no, I'll take death!"

The chief claps his hands. "Let it be. Death...... by.... umaguma!!!!!!"
 
Sorry, but after receiving e-mails and PMs from almost every member of this board, along with demands from the State Department, I thought it would be best to delete the "joke" I had placed here.

It seems that I lack sensitivity and am the possessor of very poor judgment.

I sincerely apologize to everyone who had to endure the trauma of reading my social blunder.

Gd, I feel just awful.


John
 
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