Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Sorry, but after receiving e-mails and PMs from almost every member of this board, along with demands from the State Department, I thought it would be best to delete the "joke" I had placed here.

It seems that I lack sensitivity and am the possessor of very poor judgment.

I sincerely apologize to everyone who had to endure the trauma of reading my social blunder.

Gd, I feel just awful.


John
Hey, I had that recently over a photo, so I have an inkling of how you feel! :) Most of us don't go in to offend or hurt, and are apologetic when we realize we have done so, however unintentionally.
 
Sorry, but after receiving e-mails and PMs from almost every member of this board, along with demands from the State Department, I thought it would be best to delete the "joke" I had placed here.

It seems that I lack sensitivity and am the possessor of very poor judgment.

I sincerely apologize to everyone who had to endure the trauma of reading my social blunder.

Gd, I feel just awful.


John
Shoot, I missed whatever it was. I always miss the good stuff. :mad2:
 
So far I've had to send it to over a hundred PM request and to half of the employees at the state department. Will this never end? Is this how I am going to spend my retirement, answering e-mails? I might as well forget about flying, I'm never going to find the time. What horror have I unleashed on myself? :hairraise: I never should have done it. :no:

John
 
So far I've had to send it to over a hundred PM request and to half of the employees at the state department. Will this never end? Is this how I am going to spend my retirement, answering e-mails? I might as well forget about flying, I'm never going to find the time. What horror have I unleashed on myself? :hairraise: I never should have done it. :no:

John

Never underestimate the power of the printed word!
 
OK - here's one guaranteed to offend:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.








"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
 
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling
to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your




brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".



The boy thought for a moment...



"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for



the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling
to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your




brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".



The boy thought for a moment...



"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for



the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

OK. Now that was funny. THANKS!
 
So how is a Scotsman like Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger goes around saying "Hey, you, get off my cloud!"

And the Scotsman goes around saying "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
 
Hey, I had that recently over a photo, so I have an inkling of how you feel! :) Most of us don't go in to offend or hurt, and are apologetic when we realize we have done so, however unintentionally.


like this ?
 

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A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand. The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats > all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t, what happened next?"
 
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."


She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.



My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.






Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principals office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.





The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.She sent me back to the principals office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand.



Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.





I told her, "Colonel Sanders."




Guess where I am now...
 
SAN TACO is currently flying only in Mexico but hopes to introduce service to San Diego and Los Angeles later this year.

The FAA is trying to stop the planes; they are apparently concerned about their airworthiness.

A spacious Business Class is available on the upper deck.

No baggage fee for the first 10 bags.

No baggage weight limits.

Half price fares on Tuesdays.

Mexican style meals are served.

Tequila is complimentary.

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Adult Male truths

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
 
#12, Blue Ray. I got reeled into that nonsense. I bought a Blue Ray player and about six or seven blue ray movies. Now the movies and the player sit and gather dust. The picture is no better than a regular DVD. Operating the player is a bunch of complicated ridiculousness. It is next to impossible to stop a movie and then go back to where you stopped without learning to become a computer wizard. What a waste of money that was.

John
 
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Re: Adult Male truths

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
A bacterium walks into a bar, strolls behind the counter, pulls its own beer and chugs
it down. The bartender shouts, "We don't allow bacterium behind the bar!" The
bacterium replies, "Why not? I'm staph."
 
A bacterium walks into a bar, strolls behind the counter, pulls its own beer and chugs
it down. The bartender shouts, "We don't allow bacterium behind the bar!" The
bacterium replies, "Why not? I'm staph."
That was funny. You guys are cracking me up tonight. "I'm staph." :rofl:
 
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, “Why did you call me Petal?” and they replied “Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you.” And then Fridge says “bllaaarrarararraraaarg”.
 
It's just dawned on me....

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick!

I think my dog is a member of Congress!
 
The flight attendant listened patiently to a man’s complaints: “You bring me cold coffee.*
*
You serve me lousy food. I can’t see the movie.*
*
Not that it matters because you didn’t bring me any headphones.*
*
And my window doesn’t even have a shade, so I can’t sleep.”
*
*
When he’d finally stopped whining, she said, “Just shut up and fly the plane!”
 
So two scrawny little bulls were conversating in the pasture, complaining about the new stud bull that was delivered a few days ago. It was a massive, mean, two and a half ton hulk of muscle and horn.

"Man, I sure hate that new stud bull. He's had all of my cows."

"Yeah, he had all of mine too. But I sure wouldn't want to mess with him."

A few minutes later, this huge, massive mean looking bull approaches the two scrawny little bulls. One of the scrawny little bulls pulls his ears back, starts snorting, digs his hoof in to the ground and acts like he's going to charge the big bull.

"What the hell are you doing, are you crazy?" Said the other bull. "He'll kill you!"

"Maybe. But I just want to make damn sure that he knows I'm a bull!"
 
The IRS sent my Tax forms back! AGAIN!!! I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?
" I replied -"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ;
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
 
So a son committed his old man to a convalescent home. His old man was angry over that. Three months later, the son came back to visit his old man.

"So, dad, how are things over here?"

The old man pauses for a minute. "I have two stories to tell you. Firstly, I was walking down the hallway this mornging, and I tripped and fell, and my nightgown fell forward. A male intern came up from behind me and violated me up the rear end. Secondly, a couple weeks ago, I was laying on the bed, and a female nurse changed my bedpan. I got an erection, and she gave me oral pleasurement."

The son's attitude was well, you have to take the good with the bad. "Look, I'm sorry you got butt***d and all, but you did after all get that bl****ob."

"You don't understand! I get an erection, once, maybe every six months.



But I fall down three times a day!"
 
The Lost Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.* Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.* He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back country.* As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I
got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.* There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch.* I felt badly and apologized
to the men for being late.* I went to the side of the grave and looked
down and the vault lid was already in place.* I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.* I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.* I
played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.* They wept,
I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.* Though
my head hung low, my heart was full.* As I opened the door to my car, I
heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost.
 
The IRS sent my Tax forms back! AGAIN!!! I guess it was because of my response to the question : "List all dependents?
" I replied -"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ;
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

:rofl: :yesnod:
 
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an endless wait in Sydney's Terminal 3 airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Upper North Shore woman married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Windsor.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the Upper North Shore woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Windsor commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

Again, the lady from Windsor commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Windsor lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion,

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

“My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Windsor lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?"

The elderly Windsor lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a F....?",

I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "
 
So a group of four old friends was conversating over a few beers talking about their sons.

"Yeah my son turned out to be a successful architect. Last year he gave his best friend a house!" Said the first man.

"My son ended up being a weathy financial advisor. For Christmas he gave his best friend a $100,000 stock portfolio." Said the second man.

"My son owns half of the Mercedez Benz dealerships in Texas. Why, for his birthday, he gave his best friend a new car!" Said the third man.

"Well" Said the fourth man. "I'm not proud of it, but my son turned out to be gay."

"Oh, my" the rest of the group uttered. "We're sorry."

"It's okay. Whatever he does, he must do it well, because his last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio and a new car!"
 
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Hey! Mama you won the lottery!

Don't call me Mama!
 
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