Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A guy comes home and sees his wife with a bunch of empty suitcases.

"What's going on?", he asks.

She's all excited, jumping up and down, "I WON THE LOTTERY!!! Help me pack!!"

He asks, "Where are we going?"

She says. "WE aren't going anywhere, YOU are!!! Help me pack your stuff, and get out!"
 
Aptitude Test ...............

Do you guys remember this question from our entrance exam?

"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!"
(See below)













Those who spell “spine” become doctors.............the rest go to flight school...
 
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves here ?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'







​


​
 
A pilot friend of mine just emailed this to me:

A Pilot Fairy Tale​
​
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?" The princess said, "No!" And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover crew meals, potato chips and beans and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up........ The end.​
 
Tracey said:
A pilot friend of mine just emailed this to me:
A Pilot Fairy Tale
​
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?" The princess said, "No!"
​
Click to expand...
​
She Doesn't have to be a "Princess" for this to ring true...
 
You guys realize that the fact that I posted this joke at all means that I have to turn in my girl-card, right? ;)
 
FlySince9 said:
Its a lousy club anyway... I'll have your boy card issued in a day or so...
Click to expand...
It's not so bad... and I can't accept a boy card, for obvious reasons, but thanks for the offer!

You sound down on my club... give us another chance... most of us are nice. And if she said no to you, she's missing out. :yesnod:
 
Tracey said:
It's not so bad... and I can't accept a boy card, for obvious reasons, but thanks for the offer!

You sound down on my club... give us another chance... most of us are nice. And if she said no to you, she's missing out. :yesnod:
Click to expand...

I've been though 3 of you... What are the odds around here, anyway...
 
FlySince9 said:
I've been though 3 of you... What are the odds around here, anyway...
Click to expand...
Well shoot, the 3 that you picked were the 3 in our club that wouldn't have worked for you, (obviously, since they didn't).

Did they, by any chance, have any of the same traits? If so, you need to go after someone that doesn't have that particular trait for miles.

I'm sure you've thought of that though...

Chin up my friend.... you just haven't met 'her' yet. You will. I know because she's in my club. :yesnod:
 
Tracey said:
You guys realize that the fact that I posted this joke at all means that I have to turn in my girl-card, right? ;)
Click to expand...

My limited understanding of women would lead me to believe that you can make as many jokes as you want without penalty.
 
FlySince9 said:
What are the odds around here, anyway...
Click to expand...

My daughter goes to an enigneering school where the boys outnumber the girls about 3:1. One of our friends was kidding her about how good the odds were for her. She said, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
 
Matthew said:
My daughter goes to an enigneering school where the boys outnumber the girls about 3:1. One of our friends was kidding her about how good the odds were for her. She said, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
Click to expand...

Smart Girl! You should be proud!
 
FlySince9 said:
Smart Girl! You should be proud!
Click to expand...


Oh, I am.:D

She finally did break down and tell me the corollary - what the boys say about the girls at that school, "Girls at this school are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken...or handicapped."
 
Lest you worry about December 21, 2012...
 

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Matthew said:
My daughter goes to an enigneering school where the boys outnumber the girls about 3:1. One of our friends was kidding her about how good the odds were for her. She said, "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
Click to expand...

3:1? feh. My freshman year, it was 10:1. Of course, that was <mumble> years ago.
 
So a travelling businessman decides to buy something to keep his wife occupied and faithful while he's gone. So he goes to a shady sex shop.

He's scanning the rows of dildos under the glass case and the shop owner approaches him. "What are you looking for?"

"Just something extra special. For my wife. When I'm gone." He keeps looking.

"Anything catch your eye?"

"Not really."

The store owner disappears in to the back room, and returns with a dusty old box. "Take a look at this" he says as he pulls out an old, worn, wooden dildo.

"Oh jeez, that looks terrible, everything under this case looks better than that!"

"No, no, you don't understand. This, this is a magic dildo. Watch." The store owner speaks to the wooden dildo. "Magic Dildo, the keyhole!" Immediately, the wooden dildo comes to life, zooms over to the keyhole on the door and proceeds to passionately ream it. "Magic Dildo, back in the box!" The wooden dildo immediately proceeds back in to the box.

"Wow! That's incredible! Okay, I'll take it!"

The store owner was initially hesitant to sell it, but finally agreed on a price. When the man returned home, he presented the magic dildo to his wife, and explained how it worked. "Magic Dildo, the dog!" Immediately the magic dildo zipped over to the dog and made passionate love to it, leaving the dog screaming and yelping in passion. "Magic Dildo, back in the box!" The magic dildo complied.

The following week the salesman was gone on a trip, and his wife and been making extensive use of the magic dildo. One day she was driving to work, called the magic dildo in to action, and forgot how to call it off. Consequently, she was weaving all over the road and moaning in passion. A short while later, she was stopped by the police.

"Ma'am, you realize you were weaving all over the road right." The officer said.

"Oh my god, you have to understand office, you see, I have this magic dildo, and it's working on me right now. I forgot how to disengage this magic dildo!"

"Yeah right, magic dildo, my ass!"
 
> 3:1? feh. My freshman year, it was 10:1. Of course, that was <mumble> years ago.

My freshman year at GMI was 1974. White males were only 47% of the class.
 
Sensitivity Course for Men----Final Examination.


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


​

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.



​

3. You always time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.




4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.




5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.





​

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.






7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.





8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.






9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.






Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times,


YOU DA MAN!














​
 
Last edited:
Rule #1 on quiz making. Never make all the correct answers "C"
 
rainsux said:
> 3:1? feh. My freshman year, it was 10:1. Of course, that was <mumble> years ago.

My freshman year at GMI was 1974. White males were only 47% of the class.
Click to expand...

Part of the reason I picked my college was that there was 2 girls for every guy. I was pretty proud of myself for such advanced judgement at a young age. So proud in fact that I boasted about it to the assistant principal of my school. He promptly sat me down and said: "Paul, don't get your hopes up. Where I went to college, they told me there were seven girls for every guy. And yet I can rember an awful lot of Saturday nights thinking.....somebody's got fourteen!"
 
From the Cessna Pilots group on LinkedIn...

Several times a week I drive by the local airport with one of my daughters. On one night as we drove by fairly late, my daughter noticed that the runway lights were on.

"Dad," she said, "I thought you said the airport was closed at night."

I was surprised at her notice of that bit of trivia and answered, "Yes, that's right; it closed about an hour ago."

"Then why are the lights still on?" she queried.

I explained that the airport was equipped with pilot-controlled lighting, and that if the pilot clicks the mike button a few times in quick succession, the lights come on.

She digested this information for a moment, then asked, "Is that like a 'Clapper' for old pilots?"
 
A high school class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The instructions were:
The short story had to contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?"
 
Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
********************
I had amnesia once---or twice
********************
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************
My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
********************
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************
How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,
YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE AGAIN,
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.
 
"It's your turn in the barrel..."

There is an old Navy joke behind that phrase. Recruit seaman shows up for duty on the frigate, and the captain greets him, and give him a tour of the ship, starting from bow to stearn. Captain explains all the ships rules and policies.

They finally get to the end, and the captain says "One more thing. You know, we spend weeks, and sometimes months out at sea. It can get kind of, you know, lonely. So, we have addressed that issue. See that barrel over there?"

Recruit looks at it. "Aye sir."

"Well, anytime you get the, you know, urge, just go put your manliness in the hole in the side of that barrel. In fact, try it out right now!"

Seaman recruit does as instructed and receives oral pleasurement. "Wow sir, that's incredible! Can I use it anytime I want?"

"Anytime you want, sailor. Oh, well except on Friday evenings between eighteen hundred and twenty four hundred hours."

"Gee sir, thanks! Just out of curiosity, why can't I use it between eighteen hundred and twenty four hundred hours on a Friday evening?"

"Well.... that's.... your turn in the barrel....."
 
Which side of the fence ?

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test !

If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn
 
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose





​
 
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: ​


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ​



--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ​



--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ​



--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ​



--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. ​



--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ​



--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ​



--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. ​

 
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
 
So I was driving back from LA all sad and dejected when I saw this billboard on the side of the road: "The grass is always greener with Jesus." The picture showed beautiful sun rays piercing through the clouds. There was a phone number in the corner. I figured, you know, what the heck. That sure was inspiring, so I dialed the number and got this response:

"Martinez landscaping, Jesús speaking."
 
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a similar undertaker's car about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man was overcome with curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. ​

'Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?' ​
​
​
​



'Join the queue' ​



​
 
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