Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous
at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January).

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and
one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
 
Subject: To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.

Paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it."
>
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.
>
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
>
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli , (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
>
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
>
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
>
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, > than to drink water and be full of sh**
>
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: > I'm doing it as a selfless public service!


 
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in
>> one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck
>> waiting for us to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I
>> don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the
>> tooth, and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in
>> thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
>>
The dentist thought to himself, "My
>> goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth
>> pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
>>
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
>>
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open
>> your mouth, Honey, and show him."
 
*** AMEN! *** A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her Frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers..' The entire congregation said, 'Amen..'
 
John Baker said:
Subject: To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.

Paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it."
>
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.
>
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
>
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli , (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
>
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
>
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
>
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, > than to drink water and be full of sh**
>
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: > I'm doing it as a selfless public service!


Click to expand...

Cute joke. Truth is the maximum permissible amount of coliforms would be measured in the tens of grams or less. For the year.
 
ScottM said:
So what is the grossest thing you can say during sex?
Happy Birthday, Grandma!
Click to expand...

Like the old redneck saying goes,

" Incest is OK, as long as you keep it in the family"
 
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the
US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
 
A Pork Chop Platoon member sees a memo on the 1st Sgts fitness board and "volunteers" for the 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the barracks door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old WM dressed in nothing but Marine Corps body paint, a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. 10 miles later huffing and puffing, he finally stops.The same WM shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, the 1stSgt weighs the Marine and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised!

Feeling gungy and motivated, he then "volunteers" for the 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the barracks door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful female DI he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This WM is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when the First Shirt weighs him, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.

The 1st Sgt tells the Marine that he is no longer in the Pork Chop Platoon, but if he is up to the challenge, he could lose 30 more pounds in a "special" challenge that the Marine was neither allowed to ask anybody about nor tell anybody about it!

With a motivated "OORAH!" he decides to go for broke and volunteers for the 7-day/30 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the First Sgt. "This is our most rigorous program. We actually work with the Navy on this one!"
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular seaman standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week




​
 
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales
approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that
approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Mary," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say, "It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government approach of giving you something ****ty for free,
and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.


Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
-The Presbyterian Church
-the Baptist Church
- the Methodist Church
- the Catholic Church
&
-the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what
to do about the squirrels. After much Prayers & consideration they
determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown
the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as
many there the next week.


The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels
and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels
were back.


But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
But they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision.
And they haven't seen a single squirrel on the property since.
 
~~~~U.S.M.C. Dining Etiquette~~~~

The wisdom of an old Marine. Great answer.

Commandant of the Marine Corps, General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine', loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go throughthe chow line just like a private. In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity.

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats' around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in WashingtonD.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the
Festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?'
The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that sh*t, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that sheimmediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention' (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking its wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that sh*t, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station inlife), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room.

He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full ofBourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.

"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said,"Well, no Ma'am, I don't."
The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, She said, "I - don't - eat - that - sh*t - Ma'am!''

The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces.General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of thelieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "HmmmWhich one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said withsmug
satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expressionchanged to one indicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, f*ck him! Don't give him any."
 
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The FAA has listened to GA pilots and wants our opinions on all the issues that are bothering us. They want to fix said issues and become bffs :D
 
Now a real joke to make up for ^

download

[FONT=&quot]A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above.
She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]On weekends, I pop pills, have s*x, and I don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty," she replied[/FONT]
 
Avoid Stress, get out and enjoy nature more:
 

Attachments

  • Avoid Stress - Get Out And Enjoy Nature.pdf
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This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. Who art in Heaven."




 
I didn't know this:

THE DOT

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab,
or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain
in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
 
Lawreston said:
I didn't know this:

THE DOT

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab,
or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain
in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
Click to expand...


heh - The explaniation I was told is that it means "Coffee's ready!!"



Now I can't see one of those without thinking that punchline.
 
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but he 'tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind, the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point, I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!', I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough, lumpy- cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically-induced sleep, I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
I hate reading jokes when they give a disclaimer at the beginning that 'you should laugh hysterically at this'...this always has the reverse effect.
 
Co-worker today who's not an aviation person got me to laugh out loud. He's been doing a lot of maintenance lately at odd hours and I asked...

"How'd you sleep last night?"

Without missing a beat he replied...

"Like an Air Traffic Controller."
 
denverpilot said:
Co-worker today who's not an aviation person got me to laugh out loud. He's been doing a lot of maintenance lately at odd hours and I asked...

"How'd you sleep last night?"

Without missing a beat he replied...

"Like an Air Traffic Controller."
Click to expand...

Excellent. :rofl:
 
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing and moaning...
 
WHY SHARKS CIRCLE

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the **** out of them."

Now you know. ...............
 
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'



The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
 
A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
 
Every body is concerned with how many people will die due to alcohol related accidents, but no one is concerned with how many will be born because of them.
 
Tom-D said:
A NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Click to expand...

The Purple Cow in Surfside Texas has just that sort of thing in the women's restroom. Attached to a buzzer.
 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.



Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.



He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"



"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."



"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.



"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."



"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.



Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"



"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.



They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.



Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."




"Thank you for taking all of us with you.



The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

--



Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you????
 
They are picking on us guys, again:
(p17 has an aviation one)
 

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