Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Lol shamelessly stolen from the Purple board....



FAA NOTICE OF PROPOSED RULE MAKING (NPRM)



1000.1A No pilot or pilots, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of the pilot or pilots may try, or attempt to try or make or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Federal Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by the Administrator.

1000.1B If the pilot, or group of associated pilots becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers or finds that he, or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Federal Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

1000.1C Upon receipt of the above mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator will immediately rewrite the Federal Aviation Regulations in such manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

1000.1D The Administrator may, at his or her option, require the offending pilot, or pilots, to attend remedial instruction in Federal Aviation Regulations until such time that the pilot is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.
 
Ghery said:
Back when I worked for Martin Marietta in the early 1980s one guy in the group was a blacksmith. This was a common way of celebrating when someone finished their training.

That did get some altitude, didn't it?
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My daughter's school has an Explosive Engineering program.

She took one of her class projects that she worked on all semester out to the quarry and blew it up at the end of the year. Det cord and a couple ounces of plastic explosives did the job.

I was so proud.
 

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You can thank my twisted sister for these:

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They made me laugh.

Joe
 

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Sharing some of the crap that comes in my inbox. Warning there's mild nudity in the link.

Fleggaard Holding A/S, through its subsidiaries, markets electronic
appliances. The company specializes in selling televisions and radio
sets.

Fleggaard Holding is based in Krusaa, Denmark. Just across Denmark's
border in Germany you will find an incredible superstore called
Fleggaard. There, you can buy everything you need, tubs of gummi
bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap at prices
30% cheaper than you will find in Denmark. It is Denmark's Costco,
packaged as a German loophole.

The 100+ women do stunts in the air while free-falling holding hands
to spell out Half-off on Dishwasher soap at Fleggaard. You'd be
hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn't seen and fallen in
love with that commercial. The ad is real!

Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made. Honestly,
it's awesome.

http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf
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Those Europeans always have ingenious ads.....


If I shop there would I all of a sudden look like that? Nah, prolly not..........
 
Areeda said:
Sharing some of the crap that comes in my inbox. Warning there's mild nudity in the link.


[/COLOR][/SIZE]
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I'd be much more impressed if they had actually all been actual skydivers! :yes:


Let me watch it a few more times to make sure that they aren't. :)
 
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Ever wonder the meaning behind bra sizes, namely A, B, C, D, DD, E, etc? The industry has finally released their code:

A-Almost boobs
B-Barely boobs
C-Can't complain
D-Dang!
DD-Double Dang!!
E-Enormous
F-Fake
G-Get a reduction
H-How bad are your back problems?
I-Is that even possible?
 
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
 



Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence..



Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

​
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'








​
 
And the principal of the school said, "President Bush, please don't make comments if you don't understand the topic. And stop calling yourself 'Earl'. "
 
For Scott....

Q: What is a pirate's favorite part of an airplane???

A:
The SPARRRRRRR, of course :thumbsup:
 
yabut what is a pirates favorite branch of the military?
 
What harm can it do?

I merely am the conduit, no comment

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Jerry Lee Lewis visits his AME:
 

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Things are looking up. A friend of mine just started his own business, making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.
 

Newfoundland declares war on the USA


President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , he? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !
How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN












 
Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell zilla?"
 
Education....





I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I'm going.


“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”


The policeman asked me, “Really?


And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”


“My wife”, I responded
 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage

'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So
Doc, look at this engine.

I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put
them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks
($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic:

''Try doing it with the engine running."
 
The economy is so bad that...


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.


They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street .

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...


 
A trio of American, German, and Japanese executives were playing a round of golf and discussing technological innovation during their game.

Just as they were finishing a hole, somebody's cell phone rang. The American exec then held his thumb and pinky to his face and had a conversation. The other two were amazed. He explained that the mic and speaker were implanted into his hand so he did not have to carry around a cell phone.

A few holes later, another phone rang. This time the German exec just began talking to no one in particular. The others were mystified. He explained that both the earpiece and microphone were implanted in his skull, relying on nerve and bone conduction to work.

Nearing the end of the course, a third phone rang. The Japanese exec got a panicked look on his face and ran straight into the woods! After about a minute, the other two men got concerned and went to go look for him to see if he was OK. They found him behind some bushes with his pants down around his ankles, squatting down.

"What on earth are you doing?" they asked.

"Oh, I'm receiving a fax."
 
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
 
A young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

Tell me, papa...

Yes, my son ?


... Why are we living in Detroit, Michigan and still wearing all this s**t ?
 
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by *******s who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and **** like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
 
Well, it's Friday and here is a joke for the thread. It's visual!

PumpkinPies.jpg


I think I will never look upon another pumpkin pie the same way again!
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal nervously wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!!"
 
Subject: I'll take that job!



Just damn purfect!
>
> A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job."
>
> The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter
on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also
have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter
is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
>
> The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
>
> The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
>
> Sometimes it is hard to believe that life is perfect as it is...

 
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Subject: “If I were to die suddenly, I want you


(The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is. )




The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some ******* using my stuff.”




She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another *******?”


HAVE A GREAT DAY




 
Husband down! Cleanup on aisle twelve!


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.
 
Best of the cardboard signs:

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heh - last weekend I was walking around Lawrence, KS about 8pm. A stoned-looking couple were sitting on the sidewalk with an open guitar case. He was playing and singing some Grateful Dead, she just stared into space with unfocused eyes and drank some coffee. Their cardboard sign said "Hippie Relocation Fund".
 
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