Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Only the female mosquitos bite you and suck out your blood. Do you know why?




























Because they're too small to carry away your wallet! :rofl:

(Credit to Bob Carlton)
 
CHINESE SICK DAY : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon.....You got nice house'
 
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? 'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Delta Airlines Pilot '.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
 
babieschildren.jpg
 
SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party,
The host said, 'I have a 10 footMan-eating gator in my pool
And I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail andflipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising ####.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well,Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
 
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
 
Ken and Edna







Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
 
have you got a deaf wife?
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to
> and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
> > > Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
> discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple
> informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a
> better idea about her hearing loss. > > > Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away
> from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she
> hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until
> you get a response.' > > > That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he
> was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's
> see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's
> for dinner?' > > > No response. > > > So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from
> his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' > > > Still no response. > > > Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 > feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' > > > Again he gets no response. > > > So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. > 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
> > > Again there is no response. > > > So he walks right up behind her. > 'Peg, what's for dinner?' > > > > > > > > > (I just love this)
> > > 'Frank , for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'
 
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam, I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
 
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care?" and he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replied, as she started to re-open her book, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know ****?"
 
Robot Bartender

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"






​
 
Last edited:
Re: Robot Bartender

Generic Drug Names
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.


Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
__________________
 
CAUTION off-color joke NSFW

Danger.

Go back.

You've been warned.







A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure a rather attractive nurse comes in
and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie
down on the table. The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs
on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his
breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown
that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more
relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to complete.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient sees six
men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too,
but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
 
Warning Dirty but funny joke ahead (not even political...)

















So a guy walks into a bar and looks at the sign behind the bar.

The sign reads

Cold Beer $2
Hamburger $3
Cheeseburger $4

and in small print

Hand Jobs $50

So the guy looks at the bartender, and she's pretty darn cute, so he asks her "Are you the girl that does the hand jobs?" She looks at him, smiles, and replies "I sure am hun". At which point he replies, "Well wash your damn hands I want a cheeseburger..."

:D
 
Ghery, when everyone I know gets that in their e-box and wonder WTF? I will naturally blame you. That vid is hilarious! It's an all time classic.
 
Ghery said:
if air traffic controllers could speak their mind

Warning - language is NFSW. Got this from my daughter's mother-in-law who got it from her cousin's wife's son's x-wife (did you follow that?), who is a controller (BFI?) I'm sure there are days when the folks in the tower would like to say some of this. :D
Click to expand...

I heard the "you have to read that back" on ground just the other day (not directed at us)... But the controller used "polite" language.
 
A Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .
As he was recovering; a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance. '
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.
 
A piece of rope walks into a bar, walks up to the counter and asks for a beer.

The bartender says "We don't serve rope around these parts, so get uo and get out of here!"

The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and tussles his ends so he doesn't look so much like a piece of rope.

So he walks into the bar a second time and walks up to the counter and asks for a beer.

The bartender looks at him and says "Aren't you that piece of rope that was just in here?"

The rope replies "I'm a freyed knot."
 
That's 100 times cleaner that the joke I was going to post. How does a Polish woman know that her daughter is on her period??...
 
We're gonna start a chess tournament at Gastons. When you capture an opponent's piece, you have to bleed the piece dry. Brutal, but fun to watch:

0c9aca6d-e7a9-4ba1-9b48-21526e62a91d.jpg


P.S.--They must have already been drinking, because the board is set up wrong. Anybody else see the error?
 
TangoWhiskey said:
We're gonna start a chess tournament at Gastons. When you capture an opponent's piece, you have to bleed the piece dry. Brutal, but fun to watch:



P.S.--They must have already been drinking, because the board is set up wrong. Anybody else see the error?
Click to expand...
Looks like the board is turned 90° Queen's supposed to start on her own color?
 
Cap'n Jack said:
Looks like the board is turned 90° Queen's supposed to start on her own color?
Click to expand...
That's part of it but since I can't tell a king from a queen (maybe I've been living in Los Angeles too long) one side has them switched the other is ok.

Joe
 
Areeda said:
That's part of it but since I can't tell a king from a queen (maybe I've been living in Los Angeles too long) one side has them switched the other is ok.

Joe
Click to expand...
Joe-

I'm pretty sure they both match up. With respect to pieces, each side is supposed to mirror the other.

Please look here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chess
or here
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/30/ChessStartingPosition.jpg

I'm assuming the curvy-top glass is supposed to represent the queen
 
TangoWhiskey said:
We're gonna start a chess tournament at Gastons. When you capture an opponent's piece, you have to bleed the piece dry. Brutal, but fun to watch:

0c9aca6d-e7a9-4ba1-9b48-21526e62a91d.jpg


P.S.--They must have already been drinking, because the board is set up wrong. Anybody else see the error?
Click to expand...
You mean besides using PBR? This should be played with Guinness and Bass. :)

And Cap'n Jack already pointed out the other error.
 
TangoWhiskey said:
We're gonna start a chess tournament at Gastons. When you capture an opponent's piece, you have to bleed the piece dry. Brutal, but fun to watch:

0c9aca6d-e7a9-4ba1-9b48-21526e62a91d.jpg


P.S.--They must have already been drinking, because the board is set up wrong. Anybody else see the error?
Click to expand...


Ooohhh.... a chess tournament?? :hairraise: Christopher will get a much better result out of that than he did at the poker run! He is a nationally ranked chess player and tournament director. :cornut:
 
A Real Man


A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.


!x-usc:cid:1.1039746750@web31501.mail.mud.yahoo.com



He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.


!x-usc:cid:2.1039746750@web31501.mail.mud.yahoo.com



No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.


It’s wine that does all that.......



Never mind. ​


LOL... almost forgot to post my joke! :)
 
Subject:: blonde on a plane





A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO
 
TangoWhiskey said:
Antoine Dodson, victim's advocate. Anybody that messes with him is dumb, really dumb, for real! (gotta watch this to the end of the story).

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=461969651048
Click to expand...

"You must log in to see this page."

Let'sgoflying! said:
Just when I thought I had tried (or dismissed as stupid) every crazy thing out there!

Ever..."shot an anvil"?
http://www.coolestone.com/media/895/Anvils_Away/
Click to expand...

Hold my beer and watch THIS!!! :thumbsup:
 
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