Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

​


A laugh a day.

> MONDAY​




> The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
> Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
> The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
> Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.​



> The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
> 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'​







​
​
> TUESDAY​



> A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
> The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
> The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
> The preacher said, 'No ****?'​



> WEDNESDAY​



> Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
> With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
> After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
> The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
> 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'​



>
> 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'​



> THURSDAY​



> One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. ​



> 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'​



> FRIDAY​



> A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' ​



> After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'​



> SATURDAY​



> Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' ​



> Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90..'​



> SUNDAY
> ​



> Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' ​



> A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'​
 
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses
 
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The guys were all at a camp. No one wanted to room with Barry, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Barry and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Barry snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Barry shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."


The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.



They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Barry into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Barry sat up and watched me all night."
 
Some days, it’s better just to stay in bed.

1. You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

2. You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

3. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

4. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

5. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

6. You wake up and your braces are locked together.

7. You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

8. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

9. Your income tax check bounces.

10. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

11. Your pet rock snaps at you.

12. Your wife says “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

13. The bird singing outside of your window is a vulture.

14. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

15. Your four year old tells you that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

16. Your car costs more to fill up that it did to buy.

17. You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard.

18. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

19. Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.

20. Every job lead leads to people who are always at offsite/getting the business/CI/etc meetings.

23 Reasons Why Teachers Drink During the Day

21. Every person you ask for job leads says: “I wish *I* had some job leads”.

22. People you talk to outside of your company say, “You could try company ABC. Oh, but they laid off 25% of their people 3 months ago.”

23. Fellow co-workers on AFR talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.

24. People in your department greet each other with “How’s the job search?” instead of “How’s it going?”

25. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.

26. Your ex’s lawyer calls.

27. You wake up face-down on the sidewalk.

28. You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they’re gone.

29. The person you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your spouse.

30. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

31. You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you don’t have a waterbed.

32. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

33. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose.
 
The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief ! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it !'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
 
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed

a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity

music in women's breast implants.



The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00

depending on speaker size.




This is considered to be a major breakthrough because

women have always complained about men staring

at their tits and not listening to them.
 
From the UK:

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars bar.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars bar.'
 
Another from the UK:

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.



The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.
'


The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'


A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.



The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
__________________
 
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Think!

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:

"THINK"!

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:

"THOAP!" [/FONT]
 
John Baker said:
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
__________________
Click to expand...

That'sa grudge baby, somebody had it in for ya.
 
==WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES==
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A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible. . .

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No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does... Never mind.


 

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A Pharmicist's Monday Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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Barber Shop

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
 
Why men prefer guns over women....

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
 
How's your day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then, some butthead shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Little Johnny on politics

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan


A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
"If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot,
what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,
"That would make me an Obama fan."
 
Looked at a new truck...

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat
describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your a$$ year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. D*mn guy had no freakin' sense of humor.
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Old men

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but.... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
Re: Old men

And now we know how the weather service works!


It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation
in Washington State asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be
cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell
what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he
got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,'
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again
replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather
Service again. ' A re you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very
cold?'

' Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a
ton of firewood'
 
Women's Ass Size

My sister. AGAIN:

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:​


30% of women think their ass is too fat.............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.........

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.​










 
Last edited:
Re: Women's Ass Size

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.


It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.


Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."


Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."


At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.


She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."




"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Steve."

 
Re: Women's Ass Size

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk, I want to tell you something about Moses.
When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"
He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."
__________________
 
Re: Women's Ass Size

Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a##e-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."
 
Re: Women's Ass Size

John Baker said:
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk, I want to tell you something about Moses.
When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"
He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."
__________________
Click to expand...

And the whole time I read that the voice in my head sounded exactly like an Israeli friend of mine. :D
 
Re: Women's Ass Size

Why do we love children?




NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'






OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read....
'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'





KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone....
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now,
she's hitting the bottle'.




MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'






POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,
'would you please tie my shoe?'





POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?






ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'






DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'






DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and
cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)




SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
 
MARRIED 30 YEARS A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day,
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."
 
Oldie but still makes me laugh when I read it:
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
 
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."


The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing,
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"


Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."


After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,


"...So how many is a Brazilian?"
 
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did Sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in,so she does.

Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and

lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."What treatment would you have provided?
 
Via my wife...

From the American Association for Retired People (AARP)
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q:I How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem.
Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
 
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ​

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.​

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening ​
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. ​
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, ​
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. ​
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!' ​
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.' ​
 
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
 
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'





















 
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