Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Those bloopers have me laughing out loud... Am fixin to send them on to a good nurse friend of mine.
 
M EN ARE JUST "HAPPIER PEOPLE!"



NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D**khead and S*** for Brains.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
could this be true i wonder? from a female friend.

What I Want In A Man!
> Original List: age (20 something)
> 1. Handsome
> 2. Charming
> 3. Financially successful
> 4. A caring listener
> 5. Witty
> 6. In good shape
> 7. Dresses with style
> 8... Appreciates finer things
> 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
> What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
> 1. Nice looking
> 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
> 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
> 4. Listens more than talks
> 5. Laughs at my jokes
> 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
> 7. Owns at least one tie
> 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
> 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
> What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
> 1. Not too ugly
> 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
> 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
> 4. Nods head when I'm talking
> 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
> 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
> 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
> 8.. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
> 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
> 10. Shaves most weekends
> What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
> 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
> 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
> 3. Can tow a Caravan
> 4. Can cook a BBQ
> 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
> 6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
> 7. Helps with the housework
>
> What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
>
> 1. Doesn't scare small children
> 2. Remembers where I have put things
> 3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
> 4. Only snores lightly when asleep
> 5. Remembers why he's laughing
> 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
> 7. Usually wears some clothes
> 8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
> 9. Remembers where he left his teeth
> 10. Stops trying to tell jokes
> What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
> 1. Breathing.
> 2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
> 3. Remembers where we both live.
>
> Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!
> AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
> NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000...00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
> MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
> AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID LIFE CRISIS.
 
Old Joke)

A Russian agent parachuted into a little Irish village. All he had been briefed to do was to make contact with a man called Murphy. He went into the pub and asked. The Landlord said "There are lots of Murphys round here. Which one do you want? There's Murphy the Postman, Murphy the Milkman, Murphy the Farmer, Murphy the Butcher, Murphy the Blacksmith, Murphy the Undertaker, Murphy the Mechanic, Murphy the Odd-Job man, Murphy the Shoemender.......". The agent was faced with a dilemma. He couldn't be to specific in case he gave away his mission. He said he had to collect some information of a confidential nature from this particular Murphy.....
"Ah!", said the Landlord. "You'll be wanting Murphy the Spy".
 
GOOD:
A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem.- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a photo radar post in Edmonton, AB. A $90 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $90. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball."

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 
The

Polish Divorce​





A Polish man moved to the USA and married an

American girl.


Although his English was far from perfect, they

got along very well.


One day he rushed into a lawyer's office​





and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.


The lawyer said that getting a divorce would

depend on the circumstances,​



and asked him the following questions:





Have you any grounds?


Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.





No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?


It made of concrete.





I don't think you understand.​



Does either of you have a real grudge?


No, we have carport, and not need one.





I mean what are your relations like?


All my relations still in Poland .





Is there any infidelity in your marriage?


We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.





Does your wife beat you up?


No, I always up before her.





Is your wife a nagger?


No, she white.





Why do you want this divorce?


She going to kill me.





What makes you think that?


I got proof.





What kind of proof?​



She going to poison me. ​



She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

​



I can read English pretty good, and it say:​



~~~Polish

Remover~~~​
 
Dogs.
 

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So... this old pilot dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.
"OH! I see you were a pilot", says St. Peter... "Follow me."
St. Peter takes the pilot to a beautiful celestial airport with perfect smooth runways of all descriptions and hangar after hangar filled with the most wonderful aircraft ever made.
"The keys are in them, fly anything you want. Fuel is no issue, they don't ever run out."
Then he takes him over to a classy little joint at the FBO and brings him inside. There's a buffet with all the best food and a fully stocked open bar with nothing but top shelf liquor. Sitting around the tables are some of the finest pilots that ever lived. St. Peter introduces him to a few and sits down to have a drink with him.
"Man! This really is heaven?" says the pilot, "Certainly not what I was expecting, this is wonderful!"
St. Peter just smiles and nods and pours him another drink. After sitting and drinking and reveling in it all for awhile, the pilot recognizes an old familiar sensation. Tentatively he asks, "Uhm, St. Peter? Uh... I sure wasn't expecting this with this here brand new heavenly body, but I do believe I need to go find a rest room to uh... go relieve myself. I don't see any of the usual signs on doors, where should I go?"
"Oh, no problem," says St. Peter, "just follow me."
St. Peter takes him out back and shows him to the edge of a little hole in a cloud.
"Just go right there."
The pilot walks over to the edge of the hole in the cloud and looks down over the edge.
"Uh, St. Peter? There appears to be some people down there... "
"Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint, "they're all from the FAA."
 
A funny one sent from our retired pilot friend.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
said....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo,
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out
rank you. Tray-up, B****'
 
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone # and was greeted with a child’s whisper
“Hello”

Is your daddy home? he asked.


“Yes.” whispered the small voice.


May I talk with him?


The child whispered, “no.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”

“Yes.”

May I talk with her?


Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”


“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”


“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.


“Busy doing what?”


“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.


Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”


“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.


“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.


Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..
“ME !”



__________________
 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
 
Purported to be an actual answering machine message for a school in Australia.

I liked it especially the last comment.

Joe
 

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I love it. I'll bet my wife's school would love to use it (but wouldn't dare).

EDIT: She's seen this one before. "If it were only that simple" was her comment.
 
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Areeda said:
Purported to be an actual answering machine message for a school in Australia.

I liked it especially the last comment.

Joe
Click to expand...

I particularly enjoyed the language part. :)
 
Puns for those with a higher IQ.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A Wine hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubberband pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink..

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'< /B>

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






'THE TEETH.'
 
less of a joke than a sage suggestion:


An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.


Then they passed some people who remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.


They passed some people who shamed them

by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost

their grip on the animal and it fell into

the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?



If you try to please everyone ...
you can ...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
 
[FONT=&quot]Alzheimer's[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Test

How fast can you guess these words?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
[/FONT]
Answers:
[FONT=&quot]Answers[/FONT][FONT=&quot]: [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

1. FORK [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
A few random thought from a red neck.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. |
 
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of sh@t lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just poop your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of s@it chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Darn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
It's not Friday but...

I just heard on the national news...I mean just two minutes ago...

"cheerleaders are being told that cheerleading is not a sport and they're not taking it lying down". Serously, exact words.

And I thought to myself...

...

...

...

...oh, nevermind.
 
Irish are the Best!!!!!!



Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.



Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.







Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'





Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'



AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
 
Another lesson for the married man:

attachment.php


Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them’ demands the wife, and so they continue shopping.
A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
 

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