Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Do NOT read this until Friday:

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to plan a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay be $5.00 and visa versa". Again, the blonde declines and tries to nap.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00 and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $50.00". Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. Realizing that there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, the blonde agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon"? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse and hands a five dollar bill to the lawyer. Now it's the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, comes down with four"? The lawyer looks puzzled. He takes out his laptop and searches Google, Library of Congress, and exhausts all other resources he can think of.
After about an hour, he wakes the blonde and frustratingly hands her a fifty dollar bill. The blonde takes it and rolls back over to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little upset, wakes her and demands "Well, what is the answer"!
Without a word the blonde reaches in her purse, hands him a five dollar bill and goes back to sleep.
 
You can read this now, don't have to wait til Friday. :)

The Mexican Maid
====================
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora.... the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
 
A woman goes to her gynecologist.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong,
I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

BOOM!
 
A Jewish father was working one day. His son runs up and says hey Dad, let me borrow fifty dollars.
The dad says forty dollars..?
Why do you want to borrow thirty dollars?
 
Irish golfer


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his

drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball

beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,

all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into

the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're

all right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money

situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket

and pull out £50 notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.

How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for

a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
 
mscard88 said:
Push? What's wrong with this joke?
Click to expand...
:rolleyes:

You like to test the boundaries, and you were way over on the one we deleted. This one is marginal and only staying based on the fact that it's the joke thread.
 
What is far more frustrating is that the ad banner in the bottom is far more offensive than your joke. I think they just have it out for you. Time to self ban and find a place not so easily offended.

IMG_0513.jpg
 
Everskyward said:
:rolleyes:

You like to test the boundaries, and you were way over on the one we deleted. This one is marginal and only staying based on the fact that it's the joke thread.
Click to expand...

I don't know what your hang up is. It's just a joke. Whatever you wanna do is fine with me.
 
mulligan said:
What is far more frustrating is that the ad banner in the bottom is far more offensive than your joke. I think they just have it out for you. Time to self ban and find a place not so easily offended.

View attachment 54100
Click to expand...

LOL where do you see that? I don't see it....that makes you wonder for sure. :rolleyes:
 
mscard88 said:
I don't know what your hang up is. It's just a joke. Whatever you wanna do is fine with me.
Click to expand...
OK, you're going to pretend like you didn't make the post that got deleted. OK. It was not just a joke. It crossed the line by a wide margin. Just letting you know we noticed because it was reported. Others thought it was inappropriate too. You know why we think the recent post is borderline. Don't play innocent.
 
I really don't understand women. Last week my wife asked me to go to the doctor and get some pills that would give me an erection. So I did. Right after I showed them to her she threw me out of the house. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these diet pills I got for her now?
 
Dang... reminds me of:

Doc, I need three Viagras for this weekend.
With your heart I don't think that's safe.
Well.. I got my girlfriend coming over tonight, and another date tomorrow night, and my wife is coming back Sunday.
Okay, but you've got to come in and see me Monday to make sure everything is okay,

Monday guy shows up at the doctor's office with his arm in a sling.

What happened?!?

Nobody showed up.
 
Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!
 
Funnies time!

2d7d9dcb928a7d6810f82bc6cc9f52ba.jpg


01975a9f5cbc7d4c7cd0b31b880d45d1.jpg


f42d903ce7db3509f3ec3e7391cea118.jpg


b60c76c66bbb4628c1d0cab04e6fd518.jpg
 
A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't ya just love lawyers
 
Two young boys were using the bathroom on the last day of school... One white and one black.
The white boy ask the black boy why is "thing" is so much bigger.
The black boy told him when he was young his mom tied a 25 lb weight around it and made him drag it around.
He told the white boy to try it over the summer and it should work.
School came back and the black boy ask if it worked???
The white boy said "well it didn't get any bigger but it sure turned black".
:)
 
The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares! Now what do we tell them for Christmas?!?
 
Everskyward said:
:rolleyes:

You like to test the boundaries, and you were way over on the one we deleted. This one is marginal and only staying based on the fact that it's the joke thread.
Click to expand...

The management council is a joke.

Adios
 
Getting a hairdryer through customs ....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her ,
'Father, may I ask a favor of you ?'
'Of course child . What can I do for you ?'

‘I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday . It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it . Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me ?'
'I would love to help you my dear ; but, I must warn you , I will not lie !'

'With your honest face , Father, I'm sure no one will question you !'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father , do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist , I have nothing to declare .'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked ,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women , but which, to date , remains unused .'
Roaring with laughter , the official said, 'Go ahead, Father . Next , please !'
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top