Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Zeldman said:
Any guess what is next..????

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Finger sammiches?
 
Why are martinis like boobs?


One isn't enough and three is too many.
 
OK, guys, times up on female putdowns. This "joke" would be just as true if it were about feet, eyes, ears, arms, or balls. It is only "funny" because it is about a woman's body and because it uses a snarky term.

Time's up.
 
Aunt Peggy I did post one for the ladies just back a couple, #3604. :)
 
Super Bowl Tickets

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, that it was going to be the same day of his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church at 3pm. Her name is Michelle she is 5'6 about 135lbs, good cook and loves to cuddle.... she'll be the one in the white puffy dress !!! Enjoy !!!
 
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
“Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class”, I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle faced, fat-assed, gray haired decrepit son of a ***** asked me.......... “What did you teach?”
 
mscard88 said:
Super Bowl Tickets

My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2018 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, that it was going to be the same day of his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church at 3pm. Her name is Michelle she is 5'6 about 135lbs, good cook and loves to cuddle.... she'll be the one in the white puffy dress !!! Enjoy !!!
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135lbs at only 5'6"? Yikes! No wonder he chose the carry-egg game.
 
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
“What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked Joe.
“I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
“I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
“I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?” Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”
 
mscard88 said:
Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”
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A friend of mine wrote the song recorded years ago by John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio." The last part goes something like this ...

But let’s not forget that the folks of Toledo
Unselfishly gave us the scale.
“No springs, honest weight,” that’s the promise they made,
So smile and be thankful next time you get weighed.
And “wive and wet wive,” let this be our motto,
Let’s let the sleeping dogs lie.
And here’s to the dogs of Toledo, Ohio,
Ladies, we bid you good-bye!

(c) Cherrybell Music Publishing Co.​
 
JET FUEL

Jack and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NL.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Jack said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Jack wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings . . . it's Charlie. Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
"I feel great. How about you?"
Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Jack says, "Nope, that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Charlie says, "Yeah . . . well there's just one thing. Have you farted yet?"
"No . . . ."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay!"
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
JET FUEL

Jack and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NL.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Jack said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Jack wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings . . . it's Charlie. Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
"I feel great. How about you?"
Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Jack says, "Nope, that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Charlie says, "Yeah . . . well there's just one thing. Have you farted yet?"
"No . . . ."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay!"
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What's black and blue and floating in the bay?

A mainlander that was telling Newfie jokes.
 
Agnes married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they are finally together.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
 
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be
executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a
final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he
wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he
requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed
him. Next it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,”
said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they
executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of
strawberries, ” said the Jew. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in
season!” “So, I’ll wait…”
 
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