Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".
 
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Hey they started it. 'merica finishes!
 

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Saw a bumper sticker today...

Florida: Come Die With Us!
Thousands do every year!

I laughed until I cried.
 
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Old guy walks into a gun free zone. the manager says" you can't come in here open carrying" old guy says "who's going to stop me"?

Don't ya love common sense ?
 
guy asks, "ever got any on the side"? other guy says "not since they moved it".
 
Not a joke, more of an outlook on life:

"Fly as if your life depended on it. Because it does."
 
Where you find four Catholics, there is usually a Fifth


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What's the difference between a pedophile and a tortoise?


They both want to get there before the hare.
 
SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'


George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'
 
A blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay.

A guy called her up and asked if it was big.




She said: "It's massive."



He said: “How many feet?"



She said: "None - it's a ****in snake!"
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
 
An old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullcrap and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you
 
What's the difference between a school yard in Afghanistan and an ISIS training camp?


I don't know, I'm just the drone pilot.
 
There is a preacher that is worried about his son that is coming of age. The preacher decides he will test his son to see the true nature of his heart. The preacher places four items on the boys bed: a bottle of whiskey, a copy of the Wall Street journal, a playboy magazine and a bible. When his son comes home and sees the items on his bed his hearts nature will guide his choice.

The preacher hides in the closet when it's time for the boy to get home. His son enters the room and immediately sees the goodies on his bed. After a few minutes of consideration the boy picks up the whiskey and takes a pull. The preacher panics with the realization his son will be a drunk. The boy doesn't leave. He picks up the playboy, checks out the centerfold, smiles and stuffs the magazine in his coat pocket with the whiskey. Now the preacher is in a full blown panic. He has a drunken womanizing son. The son still doesn't leave. Instead he grabs the wall street journal and tucks it under his arm. So the preacher sees his son will be materialistic too. The preacher begins to quietly weep for his son. Then the unthinkable happens when his son grabs the bible and walks out.

It was at that moment the preacher knew there was no hope for his son because he was destined to be a .... Pilot.
 
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a Liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters... in her crotch.


In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
 
We should spin off a spinzone version of this thread...
 
Donald Trump announces that he wants to "Take it with him" - he had left instructions that all of his money was to be buried with him when he dies.
A reporter asked how his wife took the news; "She was upset at first, but then decided she was OK with this - I'm really proud of her."

The reporter then went to Melania and asked why she was OK with her husband taking all the money when he dies. She replied "I was upset at first, but then I realized that I could just write him a check."
 
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true. No bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
 
I found myself in a pub in Cork , Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice,
"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints
of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one
Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said,
"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
Grand, "replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me,
so I went to the pub across the road first to see if I could do it.
 
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