Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant!
 
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall
mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and
blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to
splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management positi
in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave
mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
 
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the controllers. The terrified passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:
"Mayday, Mayday!!.... MY pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph.
The controller in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, just remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed indicator in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The S**T in my pants is running down the back of my neck"!!!
 
A short gun story.....

1911_Navy_109967i.jpg

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You need more ammo!”
 
So this world-renowned surgeon died and went to Heaven. He was shown his apartment and then, feeling hungry, he went to the cafeteria. There was a long line and, as was his habit back on Earth, he went to the head of the line. One of the angels grabbed him up and said: "Not so fast, bub. You may have been hot **** when you were alive, but here, you're just like everyone else. Get to the back of the line."

The surgeon did so. Eventually, he got near the front of the line, when he saw an older man walk into the cafeteria. The old guy was wearing surgical scrubs. As the surgeon watched, the old guy cut into the front of the line, with no protests from anyone.

Outraged, the surgeon went up to the angel who had admonished him. "Look, I was a world-famous thoracic surgeon. I saved the lives of people from world leaders to peasants in Central America. I worked in refugee camps in Africa. And you made me stand in line, but that other surgeon gets to cut the line and you just let him. How is that fair?"

The angel glanced at the old guy, who was now at the dessert part of the line. Then he looked back at the surgeon and said: "He's not a surgeon. He's God. He only thinks He's a surgeon."
 
A police officer called his station on the radio.
I have an interesting case here. An old woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.
Have you arrested her?
Not yet, the floor's still wet.
 
OK, not friday...another oldie, hope it's not a repeat...
I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.

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As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
These four older ladies who lived in Naples , Italy , always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger.
One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.
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Never having been to, but having heard all about Florida , they just happened to click on St. Augustine , Florida .
They read all about theFountain of Youth, claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.
They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water.
As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed. The rest of this story will make you a believer, because here they are today...
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No. This is TRUE! Really!
Would we lie to you?
We have a limited supply of this water available
at an incredibly low price of just $199.95 a bottle.
Seriously.
HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!
Make checks payable to:
Democratic National Committee.
You can trust us, you know we would NEVER lie to you -
especially about Your healthcare.
 
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California.
Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend.
They finish their round and want to have lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."
"OK."
Ten years later at 40 they play.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at 50
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At 60
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"
At 70
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At 80
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
 
Tom-D said:
Your not supposed to notice.
Click to expand...
What food??
Actually, I am not a fan of Hooters, I took my boys to the local one a couple months ago after golf, the food is OK, beer was cold, price seemed a little high. Nothing to write home about.
 
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK

Jennifer writes:
‘I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A quart of low fat milk
A dozen eggs
A bottle of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A container of coffee
A pound of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes, you are correct.

But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly’
 
(Finally found this text... had a copy long ago and couldn't find it... the Google's finally came through...)


RUN AWAY ELECTRIC SEAT PROCEDURES



1. INITIAL ACTION: Determine which seat is running away. During the stress of routine operations it is possible to mistake which seat is running away. Example: If Captain's seat is out of control forward, it shall appear to the Captain that the First Officer's is running backwards. This is a common form of spatial disorientation and will only last until the Captain is emasculated on the control column. Do not disengage the autopilot at this time as a violent pitch down will result. In order to determine which seat is the run away, suggested procedure is to awaken the Flight Engineer for troubleshooting.



2. SILENCE AURAL WARNINGS: With the advent of a run away seat, crew members describe noises of a low rumbling nature followed by the words, "Jesus, my seat is out of control" followed by a piercing scream of increasing intensity and pitch, especially in cases of forward run aways. As in all emergencies and in order to comply with FAA standardization, the First Officer will silence the aural warning by clamping a hand over the Captain's mouth and advise, "Capt's mouth SHUT, SHUT". From this point on refer to the checklist, located on the underside of the Capt's seat cushion.



3. JAMMED BALLS: Should the seat run away in the forward mode, the ball bearings will interlock and jam the seat when it is 4 inches from control panel. The seat will then be stuck in the forward position and travel no further forward but begin traveling up in a vertical mode. The Capt. will advise crew, "I have jammed balls". The Engineer will immediately refer to the CAPT JAMMED BALLS Checklist located in the aft lavatory. It is imperative that the crew check for control column damage at this time. If the control column is broken. the crew will advise dispatch that the Capt. has a broken stick and jammed balls.



4. CIRCUIT BREAKER - PULL, PULL: The Engineer at this time will pull the appropriate C/B to prevent the seat from running up further in the vertical mode which could cause the bearings to overheat and possibly result in a Ball Burst. This would necessitate the use of the BROKEN BALLS Check List. Since the Engineer can rarely find the correct C/B it is suggested that any C/B be picked at random and pulled so as not to delay completion of the Check List. Example: Pull V.G #1. Capt's position will prevent him from cross checking this step.



5. FIRE CHECK - CHECK: When the seat bearings jam and stop forward seat travel, the electric motor may short out and start a fire under the Capts seat, resulting in a Capt's lower aft body overheat. The Engineer will advise the Capt. of the fire, to which the Capt will reply, "Fire my Ass".



6. SEAT UP- UP: Should the seat continue to run away in the vertical mode, the First Officer will advise "Seat UP, UP" to which the Captain will reply "Molxjrmne craxmby". Capt's reply will vary with height to which his seat has risen. It is suggested procedure to place a pillow on the Captain's head, and land at the nearest suitable airport.
 
Simple:
As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."


I said, "How do you know?"



She said, "You live next door."
 
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in Boston at 5 PM. Her name is Julia. She will be the one in the white dress.
 
The judge says, "You seem like two nice young men,and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and
the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:
o O
Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
'This is your ******* before prison.................
 
What's the difference between smoking weed and burning a Koran?

If you burn a Koran, you can only get stoned once.
 
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