Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Every day is Friday with a good joke!

Sorry, this one made me laugh...

qyneha4e.jpg


See? Friday already!
 
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
 
Teacher arrested...

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of 'math instruction'.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters he could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
 
Re: Teacher arrested...

LDJones said:
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of 'math instruction'.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters he could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Click to expand...

Copy /paste
 
Re: Teacher arrested...

LDJones said:
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of 'math instruction'.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters he could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Click to expand...


Seems to be a recurring problem. http://wiki.algebra.com/index.php/Dangerous_Al-Gebra_movement
 
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a
monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As
soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with
cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result
all The other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon; when
another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try
to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys
attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with
a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The
previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, the the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most
of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no
monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why
not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done
around here.

And that is how a corporate policy(POA?) begins.

George
 
O-200 said:
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a
monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As
soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with
cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result
all The other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon; when
another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try
to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to
climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys
attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with
a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The
previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, the the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most
of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the
beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no
monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why
not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done
around here.

And that is how a corporate policy(POA?) begins.

George
Click to expand...
This reminds me of a story told in some leadership seminars. (I copied this one from http://selfdefinedleadership.com/blog/):

A young woman is preparing a pot roast while her friend looks on. She cuts off both ends of the roast, prepares it and puts it in the pan. “Why do you cut off the ends?” her friend asks. “I don’t know”, she replies. “My mother always did it that way and I learned how to cook it from her”.
Her friend’s question made her curious about her pot roast preparation. During her next visit home, she asked her mother, “How do you cook a pot roast?” Her mother proceeded to explain and added, “You cut off both ends, prepare it and put it in the pot and then in the oven”. “Why do you cut off the ends?” the daughter asked. Baffled, the mother offered, “That’s how my mother did it and I learned it from her!”
Her daughter’s inquiry made the mother think more about the pot roast preparation. When she next visited her mother in the nursing home, she asked, “Mom, how do you cook a pot roast?” The mother slowly answered, thinking between sentences. “Well, you prepare it with spices, cut off both ends and put it in the pot”. The mother asked, “But why do you cut off the ends?” The grandmother’s eyes sparkled as she remembered. “Well, the roasts were always bigger than the pot that we had back then. I had to cut off the ends to fit it into the pot that I owned”.
 
gprellwitz said:
This reminds me of a story told in some leadership seminars. (I copied this one from http://selfdefinedleadership.com/blog/):

A young woman is preparing a pot roast while her friend looks on. She cuts off both ends of the roast, prepares it and puts it in the pan. “Why do you cut off the ends?” her friend asks. “I don’t know”, she replies. “My mother always did it that way and I learned how to cook it from her”.
Her friend’s question made her curious about her pot roast preparation. During her next visit home, she asked her mother, “How do you cook a pot roast?” Her mother proceeded to explain and added, “You cut off both ends, prepare it and put it in the pot and then in the oven”. “Why do you cut off the ends?” the daughter asked. Baffled, the mother offered, “That’s how my mother did it and I learned it from her!”
Her daughter’s inquiry made the mother think more about the pot roast preparation. When she next visited her mother in the nursing home, she asked, “Mom, how do you cook a pot roast?” The mother slowly answered, thinking between sentences. “Well, you prepare it with spices, cut off both ends and put it in the pot”. The mother asked, “But why do you cut off the ends?” The grandmother’s eyes sparkled as she remembered. “Well, the roasts were always bigger than the pot that we had back then. I had to cut off the ends to fit it into the pot that I owned”.
Click to expand...

I've used that quote on people in construction for years when they say "I've always done it that way".........!
 
Wanted to share my letter they printed in the local paper, I'm so proud....;)

ProudDemocrat_zps1908264a.jpg
 
Conversations I heard

3yo Child watching TV in bed with parents on Friday: I need more space
Father: You have more space in your room
Child: What you say?

7yo Child: What's that music?
Father: I like that group, they have a new album
Child: What's an album?
 
Is it too early for a joke....?

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says:

“Looks like he's still celebrating!!!” ;)
 
My favorite Shepard joke
 

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WHERE IT ALL WENT WRONG
WHERE WHITE MAN WENT WRONG.

An Indian chief “10 eagles” was asked by a white government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damages he has done.”

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, ‘considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?

The chief stared at the government official and then replied, When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spend all day fishing and hunting, all night having sex.
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
 
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"**** Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !
 
From a fellow LifeLine Pilot via Facebook:

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says

Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'
 
Flyin' and Lyin'

This story is attributed to former CNO ADM Jim Holloway, USN retired.

One thing about Air Force pilots is that they lie a lot. You simply can't trust them at all.

We had an argument one night at the Belvedore Inn, across from the main gate at NAS Pax River. A bunch of our F-14 Tomcat pilots at Strike were arguing with some F-15 Eagle drivers from Langley about who was better at what and which airplane was better.

Well, we decided to settle it the next morning in the restricted area over the Chesapeake Bay. This is where we found out how much Air Force pilots lie!!

We all agreed to meet nose on at 35,000 and settle it once and for all. Don't you know those lying, sneaky bastards showed up at 40,000.

God, what a bunch of lying low-lifes those Air Force types were, showing up with a 5,000-foot altitude advantage.

Hell, if we hadn't been at 45,000, those lying Air Force dirtbags would have had us for breakfast!"
 
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
​Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
​Is more powerful than a locomotive.
​Is faster than a speeding bullet.
​Walks on water.
​Discusses policy with God.
*
PRESIDENT:
​Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
​Is more powerful than a switch engine.
​Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
​Walks on water if the sea is calm.
​Talks with God.
*
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
​Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
​Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
​Is faster than a speeding BB.
​Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
​Talks with God if a special request is approved.
*
VICE PRESIDENT:
​Barely clears a Quonset hut.
​Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
​Can fire a speeding bullet.
​Swims well.
​Is occasionally addressed by God.
*
GENERAL MANAGER:
​Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
​Is run over by locomotive.
​Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
​Dog paddles.
​Talks to animals.
*
MANAGER:
​Runs into buildings.
​Recognizes locomotive two out of three times.
​Is not issued ammunition.
​Can't stay afloat with a life preserver.
​Talks to walls.
*
TRAINEE:
​Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building.
​Says "look at the choo-choo".
​Wets himself with a water pistol.
​Plays in mud puddles.
​Mumbles to himself.
*
SECRETARY:
​Lifts buildings and walks under them.
​Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
​Catches speeding bullets with her teeth.
​Freezes water with a single glance.
​Is God.
 
Bob noticed his neighbor Joe building a retaining wall in his yard, something he himself had been wanting to do in his yard.

When Joe was finished Bob asked him how many pallets of bricks Joe had used. Joe told him Five.

So Bob ordered five pallets of bricks and after finishing his wall he had two pallets left over.

The next day he saw Joe and told him "Hey Joe, I finished my wall and I had two pallets of bricks left over"

Joe replied "Yea, me too"
 
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Sally was with her foursome of ladies at the golf course, ready to tee off from the ladies tees. She sliced the ball, and to her horror it flew at a group of male golfers. It hit one of the men, who immediately placed both of his hands at his crotch, hollering out in pain. The man bent down, them fell to the ground, still clutching his hands at his crotch.

Feeling terrible about it, she went over to the fallen man, exclaiming how sorry she was, asking if there was anything he could do. The man was still writhing in agony, but managed to say between clenched teeth that he would be ok.

Sally assured him that she was an ER nurse, and was experience in dealing with injures, and felt she could ease his pain. She knelt down beside the injured man, undid his belt and slid her hand inside his pants and gently massaged him, saying "now, now, doesn't that feel better."

The injured man said, "yeah, it feels great, but I think my thumb is still broken."
 
Earl and Larry are sitting on the porch, solving the world's problems.

Larry says, "Earl, I don't know about that Johnson kid."

Earl says, "What's going on with him?"

Larry says, "Well, this morning I noticed that he peed his name in the snow outside my daughter's window."

Earl, "What's the big deal? You were young once, too."

Larry, "Yeah, but it's her handwriting."
 
>
> Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
>
> The husband, typically non-romantic, replied ,
>
> I am on the commode. Please advise."

 
John Baker said:
>
> Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
>
> The husband, typically non-romantic, replied ,
>
> I am on the commode. Please advise."

Click to expand...

Fabulous!
 
John Baker said:
>
> Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
>
> The husband, typically non-romantic, replied ,
>
> I am on the commode. Please advise."
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHA
 
Posting guidelines, in the "old newsreel" style. BackCountryPilots.org has this video on their stuff you MUST watch and read before you can register for an account. :rofl:

 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age-old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
 
TangoWhiskey said:
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age-old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
Click to expand...

Ha :D

But then comes the argument that women are tougher
 
Cletus& Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."
 
When Engineers go to Hell


An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?
 
NEVERMIND there is already a thread about what I posted earlier...

And considerable conversation on the merits of humor regarding the "names"
 
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
Little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
Or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
Out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
Or call him a pecker-head, ******** or *******. Do you
Understand all that? '

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
Another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
Sportsmanship to call your coach a
"Dumb-ass or ****head" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . . .

'Now go over there and
Explain all that to your grandmother!'
 
Tom-D said:
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The
Little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
Or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an
Out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
Or call him a pecker-head, ******** or *******. Do you
Understand all that? '

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so
Another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good
Sportsmanship to call your coach a
"Dumb-ass or ****head" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . . .

'Now go over there and
Explain all that to your grandmother!'
Click to expand...

EPIC!
 
Isn't it a shame no one is taught any form of Etiquette at all anymore!!!


After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his
cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

Mrs. Murphy says, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said.... "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw."
 
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two full boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a nice short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a very sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
 
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