Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

One of my favorite sayings;

"The early bird may get the worm but the second rat gets the cheese!"
 
Some learn decision making at an early age.
 

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In to a pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender..
' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'
That little ****, O'Conner,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?'

'That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

**
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,'
slurs the drunk.
Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk.
'For a minute there, I thought i'd gone deaf.'

***
Mary O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Mary, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Mary.'
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Mary. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Mary. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry'

Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Mary. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Mary... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
===
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And the Best For Last

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention,
but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin',
there's no paper on this side either!'


 
nusygyja.jpg
 
I just remembered - time to make an AME appointment...
 

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I don't have an iPhone but when Siri was new my friend got one. We decided to ask Siri if it was a girl. Siri said:

I'm sorry, but I have not been assigned a gender
 
kimberlyanne546 said:
I don't have an iPhone but when Siri was new my friend got one. We decided to ask Siri if it was a girl. Siri said:

I'm sorry, but I have not been assigned a gender
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Remember from what City you are across the bridge.
 
He was obviously grabbing the wrong stick.
 
A guy was telling his buddy, you won't believe what happened last night...


My daughter walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out,

throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it."

"Holy mackerel", replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Obama's re-election campaign.


 
Got it now….


No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.


Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


His answer was received with a standing ovation.




 
John Baker said:
Got it now….


No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.


Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


His answer was received with a standing ovation.
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PERFECT!!!
 
A Canadian radio DJ was lamenting that Canada didn't have a nice phrase like the United States did. "As American as apple pie." So he had a contest to finish the phrase -
"As Canadian as....."

The winner.

As Canadian as possible under the circumstances.
 




A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”


The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”


The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
​




​


 
Wasn't quite sure where to post this.

It was tiny and didn't deserve a thread of its own.

So over the weekend, I may or may not have been on a creeper underneath a million dollar airplane and I may or may not have been re-attaching the inspection panels of the wing (non fuel areas only).

Obviously not thinking about what I'm saying, I roll out from under the aircraft, screwdriver in hand, and say to an IA:

"Hey! Where's Nathan? He said he had to check my tightness."


Then I just stared at the IA and said "Did I just say what I think I just said?"

"Yup."

We exploded in laughter.
 
kimberlyanne546 said:
Wasn't quite sure where to post this.

It was tiny and didn't deserve a thread of its own.

So over the weekend, I may or may not have been on a creeper underneath a million dollar airplane and I may or may not have been re-attaching the inspection panels of the wing (non fuel areas only).

Obviously not thinking about what I'm saying, I roll out from under the aircraft, screwdriver in hand, and say to an IA:

"Hey! Where's Nathan? He said he had to check my tightness."


Then I just stared at the IA and said "Did I just say what I think I just said?"

"Yup."

We exploded in laughter.
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:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
gotta laugh
 

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This one seems oddly appropriate right now...

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On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...


ED was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" ED asked.



"I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."



ED replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."



The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"



"Me?" said ED. "I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck!"




​





 
TangoWhiskey said:
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Hah!

In reality, though, I like explaining those things... I guess that's a sign that I really need to finish the CFI.

I'm also no longer looking for a wife - Got engaged a couple weeks ago. :) (and yes, she does ask what an "ILS" is, and listens when I explain it!)
 
flyingcheesehead said:
Hah!

In reality, though, I like explaining those things... I guess that's a sign that I really need to finish the CFI.

I'm also no longer looking for a wife - Got engaged a couple weeks ago. :) (and yes, she does ask what an "ILS" is, and listens when I explain it!)
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Congrats
 
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