Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Well, I think it's a joke, anyway ...

-----

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that
we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples .The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!?"
 
A older guy was teeing up on his first hole of golf when another golfer asked if he was playing alone an if so would he mind letting him play. The older guy hesitantly agreed as he really liked playing alone. On the first nine holes the two duffers were well matched. The young stranger asked if the older guy would like to put a little money on the back nine. They agreed on $10 a hole and teed off. At the end of the nine holes the younger guy had cleaned the older guys plow. The older guy paid off his $90 bet and was getting ready to leave when the young guy said, "look, I took advantage of your kindness. I am a car salesman and if you need a car I will give you a good deal."
The older guy said, "Thanks, I am the Priest at the local Catholic church and if you and your parents will stop by I will be glad to marry them for free."
 
A cranky old guy kept trying to figure out how to beat the system and "take it with him".

He was on his death bed and told his wife to withdraw half their life savings and stuff it in pillow cases. He then told her to put the pillow cases in the attic, right above his bed. His plan was to wait to die, then grab them on his way to heaven.

After he died, his wife poked around in the attic and noticed the money was still there.

"That old coot!", she thought, "I KNEW I should have put that in the basement!"
 
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change

***********************

SIGNS YOU'RE NO LONGER IN COLLEGE...
-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
 
ajstoner21 said:
SIGNS YOU'RE NO LONGER IN COLLEGE...
-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
Click to expand...

Much of that kinda isn't funny.
 
I'm breaking my own rule by posting in this thread when it's not Friday....but oh well. Not a "joke," but a series of jokes by Rowan Atkinson (the guy who plays Mr. Bean)

 
There once was an old lady and an old man whom were married. One day both of them decided to sit outside in their rocking chairs. They rocked back and forth. The old lady looks at the old man and slaps him across the face. "What the heck was that for?!" "That was for 50 years of bad sex!" "oh..." He goes to rocking back and forth again. Next thing you know he looks at the old lady and slaps her across the face! "What in the heck was THAT for?!" "That was for knowing the difference!"
 
I’ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I’ve ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking! Photo may have been taken in Eastern Kentucky.
A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE
http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
 
ubajy5a3.jpg
 
I believe all we men agree this is an astute deduction.


What deep thinkers men are. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the correct answer. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than going into labor and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or two after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I would like another kick in the nuts." Thus, I rest my case. Now it's time for another cold beer.
 
>
> Two Red Necks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
>
> After a while the first Red Neck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over
> to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she
> got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
>
> The second Red Neck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
> head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
> he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
>
 
Mistress.

An husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, Who was that?
Oh, replies the husband, she's my mistress.
Well, that's the last straw, says the wife. I've had enough, I want a divorce!
I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany ,no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts.
But.... The decision is all yours.
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
Who's that woman with Tony? asks the wife.
That's his mistress, says her husband.
Ours is prettier, she replies.
 
So this cowboy from Montana walks up to Saint Peter and says "It's my time, Saint Peter. Can I get in to heaven?"

"Well" Saint Peter says "It doesn't appear you lived a completely, wholesome godly life. Have you done anything notable in your life?"

"Well as a matter of fact, I did! Back at Black River I came upon a group of motorcycle gang members that were harassing a young lady. I told them to stop."

"Then what happened?"

"They laughed at me so I went to their leader, ripped out his nose ring, punched him in the eyeballs and said 'I'll kick all y'alls tattooed asses, who's next!'"

"That's great!" Saint Peter said. "So when did you do that?"

"About three minutes ago."
 
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.


Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."


"What about your husband?” asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. “Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."


That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.


Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."


The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.


Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.


"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. “ I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."


"Yes”, said Fred, “I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
 
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at
the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish
from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned
to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my
confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had
stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my
people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go
to him for confession
'Moral of the story: Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
Obama is involved so no flaming but I thought it was funny.

So Obama goes to bed and wakes up and sees George Washington's ghost. Obama says "George what do I do to make this a great country?" George says "Just tell the truth". Obama goes back to bed and wakes up to Thomas Jefferson ghost. Obama says "Thomas what do I do to make this a great country?" Thomas says "Follow the constitution" Obama goes back to sleep and then wakes up to Abe Lincoln. He say "What do I do to make this a great country?" Abe thinks and says "Go see a play" :)
 
Sneezing On An Airplane

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a Kleenex, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you Okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
 
saracelica said:
Obama is involved so no flaming but I thought it was funny.

So Obama goes to bed and wakes up and sees George Washington's ghost. Obama says "George what do I do to make this a great country?" George says "Just tell the truth". Obama goes back to bed and wakes up to Thomas Jefferson ghost. Obama says "Thomas what do I do to make this a great country?" Thomas says "Follow the constitution" Obama goes back to sleep and then wakes up to Abe Lincoln. He say "What do I do to make this a great country?" Abe thinks and says "Go see a play" :)
Click to expand...

Hahahahahaha!
 
saracelica said:
Obama is involved so no flaming but I thought it was funny.

So Obama goes to bed and wakes up and sees George Washington's ghost. Obama says "George what do I do to make this a great country?" George says "Just tell the truth". Obama goes back to bed and wakes up to Thomas Jefferson ghost. Obama says "Thomas what do I do to make this a great country?" Thomas says "Follow the constitution" Obama goes back to sleep and then wakes up to Abe Lincoln. He say "What do I do to make this a great country?" Abe thinks and says "Go see a play" :)
Click to expand...

The earlier version was funnier. http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokebushghosts.htm
 
According ICAO what is a "broken Layer" yes this was in AOPA










ICAO is the International Congress of Agricultural so broken layer is a non productive hen. :)
 
So little Johnny Nasty is sitting at the breakfast table with his brother Joe Nasty. Mom comes in and says "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Oh, just give me some mother*****g Cheerios, I guess" Says Joe. Mom slams him all the way across the room with a violent backhand.

She then glares at Johnny and says "Okay so what do YOU want?"

"I don't know" said Johnny. "But I DAMN sure don't want any of those mother*****g Cheerios!!"
 
A successful rancher died
and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very attractive woman
and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker
who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked,
and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o’clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty,
and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked
in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!
 
Tom-D said:
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked
in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!
Click to expand...
That is just wrong...funny but wrong.

Geez, you'd think she'd be known for something she's done of good and service to others by now...

Yes, I am still going to forward the joke
 
A man enters a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He is, however, allowed to say two words on each anniversary of his arrival.

After the first year, he goes before the priest. "It's been one year since you arrived. What are your two words?", asks the priest. "Bed hard" replies the monk. "OK, we'll see what we can do about that", says the priest.

The next year his two words are, "Food bad". The priest again says he'll look into it.

The third year the monk says, "I quit". The priest replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
 
While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
 
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
 
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker went exploring the wilds of New Guinea. One day they are captured by a tribe of savage headhunters, and are taken before the chief. He tells them, "Because you have trespassed on our land, you will be killed, and your skin will be used to make a canoe. However, you may choose your means of death."

The Englishman goes first. "I will jump off of that cliff", he says. He walks over to the edge, says "God save the Queen", and over he goes.

Next up is the Frenchman. He says, "I will drink the poison". He says 'Viva La France", drinks the poison, and he dies.

Then it's the New Yorker's turn. He says, "Gimme a fork". He takes the fork and starts stabbing himself with it. He starts on top of his head, stabs himself all over his face, neck, shoulders, chest, butt, all up and down his legs, even the bottom of his feet. Finally he's done. He's covered from head to toe with little holes and is a bloody mess. The chief looks at him in astonishment and says, "Are you mad?". With his last breath he answers back, "Maybe, but so much for your f****n' canoe!
 
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed,"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
 
After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
 
*
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered ....McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
 
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