Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
 
> > A hamburger, fries and a coke,"


A blonde walks into the library and asks the librarian working the ref desk for, a hamburger, fries and a Coke.


The librarian replies, "Miss, this is a library.". The blonde whispers, "I'd like a hamburger fries and a Coke."
 
rainsux said:
> > A hamburger, fries and a coke,"


A blonde walks into the library and asks the librarian working the ref desk for, a hamburger, fries and a Coke.


The librarian replies, "Miss, this is a library.". The blonde whispers, "I'd like a hamburger fries and a Coke."
Click to expand...

I think I dated her - once.
 
Florida Cracker said:
I think I dated her - once.
Click to expand...

4b94241c-d32e-7bed.jpg
 
Quotes on Politics
The problem with political jokes is, they get elected.~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and elect the big ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in those 'acceptance' speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~ Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river ~Nikita Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.~ Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~ Author Unknown
 
Tom-D said:
Quotes on Politics
The problem with political jokes is, they get elected.~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and elect the big ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in those 'acceptance' speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~ Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river ~Nikita Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author Unknown

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.~ Jay Leno

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Texas Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~ Author Unknown
Click to expand...

Good stuff

But.... did anyone notice.....







IT'S NOT FRIDAY!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an
Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceed
to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three
flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck
in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman, too, picked the fly out of his beer, held
it out over the glass and then started yelling. "SPIT IT
OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
 
So two gay guys were doing gay guy stuff with each other, and they fall asleep on the bed. In the middle of the night, one of them gets up, goes in to the bathroom, and starts whacking off.

The other one woke up and saw his partner doing that and got all offended. "Hey man, wasn't I good enough for you?"

To which he replied "Oh you were great. I knew you had to get up early in the morning, I was just packing you lunch!"
 
So this co-worker of mine just started wearing an earring and I asked him about it.

"Dude, like, when did you start wearing an earring?"

"Shhhh, don't make such a big deal about it."

"Um, okay. But when did you start wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the back seat of my car."
 
Sac Arrow said:
So this co-worker of mine just started wearing an earring and I asked him about it.

"Dude, like, when did you start wearing an earring?"

"Shhhh, don't make such a big deal about it."

"Um, okay. But when did you start wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the back seat of my car."
Click to expand...


heh - the version I've heard uses a bra.
 
Sac Arrow said:
So this co-worker of mine just started wearing an earring and I asked him about it.

"Dude, like, when did you start wearing an earring?"

"Shhhh, don't make such a big deal about it."

"Um, okay. But when did you start wearing it?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the back seat of my car."
Click to expand...

Hilarious.
 
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the Mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the Mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
 
This one is courtesy of John Hazlett on FB:


Jack and the Tattooed Biker

Jack was sitting by himself at the bar, staring at his untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6'-8" tattooed biker sat down next to him and grabbed his drink, grinned at Jack and drank it in one gulp.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" the biker asked.
Jack burst into tears.

"Aw, come on, man," the biker said, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just needed to kick someone's ass, not watch a grown man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," Jack said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener. To top things off, my dog bit me."

Jack continued, "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought a drink, I dropped a capsule in it, and I sat here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!..........................................But enough about me, how's your day?"
 
In what Aisle is the Polish Sausage?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice or racist' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
Actually, polish sausage can be found in Home Depot. It's a hard composition rubbing compound packaged in a tube.
 
Remember when comedians were funny?

Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 
Little Johnnie and little Tommy are sitting at the kitchen table. Mom comes in and asks "What do you want for breakfast?"

Little Tommy responds "Just give me some of those motherf**** Cheerios."

Mom backhands little Tommy clear across the dining room and says to little Johnnie in a glaring fashion "So what do YOU want for breakfast?"

"I'm not sure, but I certainly don't want any of those motherf**** Cheerios!"
 
His mother caught a little boy playing with himself.

Oh never mind it wasn't funny.
 
(Written By A Very Wise Man)
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to so! meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give one the finger? ...... I think not.
 

cid:1.544490571@web185006.mail.gq1.yahoo.com

The

Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he

suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks

the sales person, 'How much for one of those

Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson

answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for

$19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie

for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for

$19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.


The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the

Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only

$19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes,

sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie

comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,

Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's

Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's

balls.







.
 
got this one in an email today

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Paulie, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. Paulie is deaf which is how he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Paulie would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Paulie about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Paulie, "Where's the money?"
Paulie signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Paulie's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Paulie, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Paulie trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Luigi's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "Paulie says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
The guys at the fire station were watching the ball game when a call came in. A barn was on fire, but no one was in any danger. None of the guys wanted to miss the rest of the game, so they decided to send the two rookies out, "Anderson, Johnson!!! You're up!!!"

The rookies were all excited at the change to prove their worth, so they took off with lights and sirens and air horns and plenty of high-fives.

Eventually the game ends and the other guys start looking around and notice that Anderson and Johnson aren't back yet. They get a sinking feeling and jump in the remaining truck and drive out.

They get to the barn and it's a smoldering heap. Neither Anderson and Johnson can be seen. Now it's become a real crap-in-your-pants situation. The guys spread out and start a search.

The lieutenant walks around the back of a shed and sees Anderson and Johnson going at it - in ways that can't be described in mixed company.

The lieutenant, shocked, yells, "What the **** are you guys doing?!?!?"

Anderson says, "We'll LT, we got here and started working the fire and Johnson got overcome by smoke. I had to revive him."

The lieutenant says, "Haven't you heard of mouth-to-mouth?"

Anderson says, "How do you think this all got started?"
 
Two Middle East
mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over
a plate of tabouli and a
pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out
of her handbag
and starts flipping through photos. They start
reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been
24 years
old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.''
says the other mother
cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now
though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.


''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have
been
21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had

such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr
too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the
other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would have been 18 '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the
friend enthusiastically, ''I remember
when he first started
school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in

her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second
Muslim
mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching

for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so
fast, don't they?"

 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top