Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!
- Thread starter Let'sgoflying!
- Start date
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe
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Light and Sporty Guy
. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
John Baker
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[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande river this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying
> along. With him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay
> afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
>
And, I knew that if they didn't immediately get help, they'd surely drown.
>
> And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
>
> It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.
>
> I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
[/FONT]
> along. With him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay
> afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
>
And, I knew that if they didn't immediately get help, they'd surely drown.
>
> And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
>
> It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.
>
> I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
[/FONT]
NBPD336
Pre-takeoff checklist
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Light and Sporty Guy
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
GOD BLESS THE MARINES AND THEIR PROBLEM SOLVING ABILITIES! SOMEHOW THAT ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO!
November 27, 2010
Associated Press
AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia .
Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door.
Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.
The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...injuries he sustained when he reportedly fell trying to escape after stabbing the Marine.
November 27, 2010
Associated Press
AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia .
Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door.
Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.
The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...injuries he sustained when he reportedly fell trying to escape after stabbing the Marine.
Ghery
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Ghery Pettit
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
Piano Player Wanted!
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy Lt Cder staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
There wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
it empty, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Heck, I wrote it!"
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy Lt Cder staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
There wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
it empty, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Heck, I wrote it!"
John Baker
Final Approach
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A man walks into a bar in the South and orders a white wine.
>>>
>>> All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to
>>> see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
>>>
>>> The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
>>>
>>> The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
>>>
>>> The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says,
>>> "I'm a taxidermist."
>>>
>>> The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a
>>> taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
>>>
>>> "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
>>>
>>> The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
>>>
>>> All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to
>>> see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
>>>
>>> The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
>>>
>>> The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
>>>
>>> The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says,
>>> "I'm a taxidermist."
>>>
>>> The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a
>>> taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
>>>
>>> "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
>>>
>>> The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
At the Bar
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
Attachments
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
John Baker
Final Approach
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YEP....That's modern logic!
Two Cajuns, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking them bud-lite.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, 'You know me, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I know I'll go to the that Community College and sign up for some dem classes.'
Thibodeaux thinks it's a good idea and the two have another bud-lite.
The next day, Boudreaux goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Boudreaux says. 'What's dat Hun?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'Dat's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. Dat's amazing, you were able to find out all of dat because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Boudreaux shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Thibodeaux at the bar. He tells Thibodeaux about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic? ' Thibodeaux says, 'What's dat?'
Boudreaux says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'
Two Cajuns, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking them bud-lite.
Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, 'You know me, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I know I'll go to the that Community College and sign up for some dem classes.'
Thibodeaux thinks it's a good idea and the two have another bud-lite.
The next day, Boudreaux goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Boudreaux says. 'What's dat Hun?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'Dat's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. Dat's amazing, you were able to find out all of dat because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Boudreaux shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Thibodeaux at the bar. He tells Thibodeaux about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic? ' Thibodeaux says, 'What's dat?'
Boudreaux says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.'
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
Year to date (2010) statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Florida Cracker
Ejection Handle Pulled
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Florida Cracker
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.
Her paper read:
Frugal: to save
Sentence:
Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.
She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!" [/FONT]
Her paper read:
Frugal: to save
Sentence:
Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.
She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!" [/FONT]
Richard
Final Approach
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Ack...city life
Rules of Repair:
1. If it ain't broke, give me a hammer, it will be!
2. You only need 2 tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move, and it should, use WD-40. If it moves, and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape!
3. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
1. If it ain't broke, give me a hammer, it will be!
2. You only need 2 tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move, and it should, use WD-40. If it moves, and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape!
3. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
My wife was watching a cooking show on the TV the other day.
I said, “What are you watching that for? You can't cook.”
She said. “You watch porn."
What a *****.
I said, “What are you watching that for? You can't cook.”
She said. “You watch porn."
What a *****.
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
I just had to pass on this quote from Peter Schmuck, a Baltimore sports writer, concerning the indictment of Roger Clemens.
" Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressmancan be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office. "
" Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressmancan be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office. "
Last edited:
Doggtyred
En-Route
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
...
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really ****ed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
...
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Florida Cracker
Ejection Handle Pulled
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Florida Cracker
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]An instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day he had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, he asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?" [/FONT]
One day he had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, he asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?" [/FONT]
Everskyward
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Everskyward
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
QUESTIONS
THAT WILL HAUNT YOU
If THAT WILL HAUNT YOU
you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or
shoplifting?
Can
you cry under water?
How
important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
Why
do you have to "put your two cents in"..... But it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once
you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for
eternity?
Why
does a round pizza come in a square box?
What
disease did cured ham actually have?
How
is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea
to put wheels on luggage?
Why
is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every
two hours?
Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why
do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look
at things on the ground?
Why
do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're
going to see you naked anyway.
Why
is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why
do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can
a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If
the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours?
They're
both dogs!
If
Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
Do
the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why
did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why
do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when
you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
Why
did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
The 100 MPH Goat
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and
three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible.
I had him chained to a transmission!"
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible.
I had him chained to a transmission!"
Tom-D
Taxi to Parking
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Tom-D
Good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the business with 1800 employees, that I ran for 30+ years. All without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife, and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I guess I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…….. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once, and have to run around digging under chair cushions, and checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets, when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to someone who IS over 50! They'll love you for it!
When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the business with 1800 employees, that I ran for 30+ years. All without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife, and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I guess I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…….. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets, and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once, and have to run around digging under chair cushions, and checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets, when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to someone who IS over 50! They'll love you for it!
Richard
Final Approach
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Ack...city life
Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
by Dr. Seuss.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
by Dr. Seuss.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Richard
Final Approach
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Ack...city life
Lawreston
En-Route
The Longest Password!
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
She was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
)
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
She was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
)Attachments
OffCenter
Pre-takeoff checklist
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
There was one going around a few years ago when the French were trying to decide whether the term for computer (l'ordinateur) was masculine or feminine. Notice that starting with a vowel helps a little.
I don't remember all the arguments but the best ones were:
Female because nobody but their maker understands them at all and even their maker is not too sure.
Male because you have to turn them on if you want them to do anything for you.
I think Male won but I have got time to look it up.
Joe
I don't remember all the arguments but the best ones were:
Female because nobody but their maker understands them at all and even their maker is not too sure.
Male because you have to turn them on if you want them to do anything for you.
I think Male won but I have got time to look it up.
Joe
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
Way back when, when my kids used to think I was funny for the right reasons, they used to laugh at this one:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Light and Sporty Guy
????? appears to be missing a picture?
What's black and blue and found floating in the bay?
A mainlander who was telling Newfie jokes.
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
oops
Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ....I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us..'
Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ....I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us..'
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
gprellwitz
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Grant Prellwitz
You did, but in Peter's thread on circuit breakers. I couldn't figure out why you posted it there. Now I understand.I thought I posted this, if someone found it objectionable and deleted it I apologize, I won't post it again if this one goes away.
Everskyward
Experimenter
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Everskyward
Oh yeah that reminds me of my favorite set of "King of the Jungle" pictures:
Dating:
Marriage:
Divorce:
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
This is eerie!!!!!!
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... So figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... So figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111
John Baker
Final Approach
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John Baker
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
flyingcheesehead
Touchdown! Greaser!
Unless you were born on or after 1/1/2000, in which case it will equal 11. Nothing eerie or magical about it, it's the simplest of math. Next year, everyone's total for the same thing (provided they were born in the 1900's) will be 112.
Some people are easily amused, I guess.
