Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Subject: Their decision to get married.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
Helicopter ride!!

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,


'Well, to tell you the truth,


I almost said something when Edna fell out,


But you know,


"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
 

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Tough Love vs. Spanking


Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.' One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.



Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
 

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And if car rides don't work, take 'em for an airplane ride!

TakeYourKidToWork.jpeg
 
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

PARENT
Job Description



POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis..

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


** FOOTNOTE **
"THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!​
 
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
 
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
this one made me laugh

283292.full.gif


Note they have an embed script on their site

NY Times comics aren't bad

282353.full.gif
 
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Your spanish word for the day....bishop.

My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to go and pick the bishop.:D
 
Half wit worker

A man owned a small Ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to .... The half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.
 
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
​
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
​
The optician showed him a card with the letters
​

​
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
​
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
​
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
 
Subject: Father's Day Humor

* My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it’s always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!

* I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

* Do fathers always snore? No – only when they are asleep!

* One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

* If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

* After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

Benjamin

P. S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He looks vicious, but he won't bother you.'

'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as Wanda had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with its incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,





'Get him Spike!'
 
Proper Grammar


On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

…ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
 
A fella was invited on a live bear hunt with his buddy, Jack. When he got there, all Jack was carrying was a net, a .22 rifle and a medium sized dog. The guy couldn't understand how Jack could get any bears with just that, and the .22 rifle didn't seem like it was going to be any use at all. Jack gave him the rifle to carry and told him not to worry.

They went out and pretty soon found a bear, which they treed with the dog barking like crazy. Jack spread the net out and climbed the tree, then went out on the limb the bear was sitting on. Jack started jumping up and down on the branch and when the bear fell onto the net, the dog ran in and bit off the bear's testicles, sending the bear into shock. Jack climbed down and they tied up the net and took the bear to the truck. The fella asked what the .22 was for and Jack said don't worry about it - he'd let him know if he needed to.

They went back out and got two more bears - the same thing happened: they treed the bear, spread the net out, Jack shook the limb and the dog ran in and bit off the bear's testicles, sending it into shock. The friend kept asking about the .22 and Jack kept telling him he'd let him know if the time came.

Finally they went back out after one last bear. They treed a nice specimen and Jack laid out the net and climbed up and shook the limb. The bear hung on, however, and gave the limb a great shake of his own, causing Jack to fall. As he fell, Jack screamed to his buddy...




























"SHOOT THE DOG!! SHOOT THE DOG!!!"


:D
 
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


And they vote
 
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it...
My headlights are out of focus, and it's getting harder to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and bump into things, even in the best of weather.
My whiteswalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
And my fuel burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it - every time I cough or sneeze or sputter, either my radiator leaks, or my exhaust backfires!
 
Florida biker Bar
 

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Seasons of Seed: Eight Years After Clinton Left D.C.
 

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The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup t ruck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”
 
Obama self defense weapon
 

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ILLEGAL ALIENS WILL TRY ANYTHING

Be on the look out for a '51 Chevy, red with white top.
 

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any you guys know these contractors? Spike?
 

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FRED:

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

Fred, he replies.

Fred what?' the officer asks..

Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS, with VD.

When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS,
the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling,
so now I am Just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
French Paratroopers

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre ... "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."
 
Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.

So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...

So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...

So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....

So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

'And here I am.'


Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.

​
 
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Re: Blonde Cowboy

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
 
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