Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!
- Thread starter Let'sgoflying!
- Start date
Tom-D
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Tom-D
A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's
office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
$50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net
cost of $7.
office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
$50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net
cost of $7.
Tom-D
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Tom-D
senior moments:
And, speaking of senior moments:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, ****.... so that's why no one was at church today".
And, speaking of senior moments:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, ****.... so that's why no one was at church today".
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Why'd I think of Henning's recent experience with psycho-dates when I saw this?
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Why Kent is up late nights on POA:
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe
Touchdown! Greaser!
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Light and Sporty Guy
Re: "Boy..................go gitcha Momma.............."
I caught it right away too, and yeah, I open the thread and there it is, then I go to first unread.
I caught it right away too, and yeah, I open the thread and there it is, then I go to first unread.
ScottM
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iBazinga!
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
colomtnflyer
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iAM in AK!
SOMALIAN CRUISE PACKAGE
[SIZE=+2]I was tempted to put this in the SZ, but figured it should be here... Either way, I think this is damned funny![/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]Somalian Cruise Package[/SIZE]
This is the best idea yet. Be sure and read the whole thing. I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are very cheap right now.
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).
The daily cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy but I didn't find that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightening is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their 'High-powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them right there on the ship. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon as well as optional marksmanship training. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
* $800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
* M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day. ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95
* Ak-47 rifle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95
* Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 29.95
* Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
* Wow - they even offer RPG's at 175 bucks and 3 standard loads for 200 dollars
* "Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
* Meals are not included but costs seem reasonable.
* Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
* "MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire, ammo included"
* (Sign me up for that!)
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even have a partial money back offer if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini-gun charges=2 0not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not occur, we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before the end of May and get 100 free rounds of tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."
As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials
* "I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'll never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars, Hamburg, Germany
* "Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the mini-gun.
PIRATES 0 - PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English" - Ned, Salt Lake City, Utah USA
* "I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those crappy weapons they use and their squirrelly aim - reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"-"Chopper' Dan ----Toledo USA.
* "Like ducks in a barrel. This is must do! - Zeke, Minnahaw Springs, Arkansas, USA
Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem. These folks deserve a medal!
[SIZE=+2]I was tempted to put this in the SZ, but figured it should be here... Either way, I think this is damned funny![/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]Somalian Cruise Package[/SIZE]
This is the best idea yet. Be sure and read the whole thing. I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are very cheap right now.
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).
The daily cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy but I didn't find that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightening is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their 'High-powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have your own weapons, you can rent them right there on the ship. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon as well as optional marksmanship training. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
* $800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
* M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day. ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95
* Ak-47 rifle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95
* Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 29.95
* Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
* Wow - they even offer RPG's at 175 bucks and 3 standard loads for 200 dollars
* "Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
* Meals are not included but costs seem reasonable.
* Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
* "MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire, ammo included"
* (Sign me up for that!)
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts......and claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even have a partial money back offer if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini-gun charges=2 0not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not occur, we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before the end of May and get 100 free rounds of tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."
As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials
* "I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'll never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars, Hamburg, Germany
* "Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the mini-gun.
PIRATES 0 - PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English" - Ned, Salt Lake City, Utah USA
* "I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those crappy weapons they use and their squirrelly aim - reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"-"Chopper' Dan ----Toledo USA.
* "Like ducks in a barrel. This is must do! - Zeke, Minnahaw Springs, Arkansas, USA
Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem. These folks deserve a medal!
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
I heard this from my kids' orchestra teacher at their final concert a couple nights ago:
What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
And yes, my daugher plays the viola.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
And yes, my daugher plays the viola.
Ghery
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Ghery Pettit
And the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
The viola burns longer.
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jsstevens
That's also the difference between a banjo & bagpipes. The banjo burns longer. Told to me by a very talented banjo, mandolin and guitar player. He also told "What's a sentence you never hear? That's the banjo player's Ferrari."
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
One of my favorite Musical jokes:
How do you tune two piccolo flutes?
shoot one
My other daughter plays the pic. She says "The best thing about playing a piccolo?"
The hearing loss means you don't have to listen to your director as much.
Ghery
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Ghery Pettit
I'll have to share that with my daughter. She played piccolo in high school and college.
Zoo Problem
A small zoo in Athens, GA obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Claude Ray Bennett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Claude Ray Bennett, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Claude Ray was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Claude Ray Bennett showed some interest! , but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
'First', Claude Ray said, 'I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
'Second', he said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
'Third', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
'Fourth', Claude Raymond Bennett said, 'I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.
'And last,' Claude Ray said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
A small zoo in Athens, GA obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Claude Ray Bennett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Claude Ray Bennett, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Claude Ray was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Claude Ray Bennett showed some interest! , but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
'First', Claude Ray said, 'I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.' The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
'Second', he said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
'Third', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
'Fourth', Claude Raymond Bennett said, 'I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.
'And last,' Claude Ray said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
Nobody can stop at just one:
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Jeff Dunham has made a series of six different Peanut & him video clips for Mother's Day, to send to your Mom.
Not sure it's a good idea! ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=1E6E7D30D3F105C1&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL
Not sure it's a good idea! ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=1E6E7D30D3F105C1&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of these known antidotes:
- Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately!
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of these known antidotes:
- Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately!
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
You just need to choose the right doctor
short interview with renowned physician Dr. Ivena Chiu
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
AND REMEMBER:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
short interview with renowned physician Dr. Ivena Chiu
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
AND REMEMBER:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
Attachments
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
World's Shortest Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
When NOT to hyphenate your name:
http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married.Names.Hyphenate.20.462840.html
(click the blue arrows to look through all the examples)
http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married.Names.Hyphenate.20.462840.html
(click the blue arrows to look through all the examples)
ScottM
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iBazinga!
colomtnflyer
Cleared for Takeoff
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- Feb 18, 2007
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iAM in AK!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor..
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit..
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor..
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit..
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
Last edited:
etsisk
En-Route
in a similar vein...
A traveling salesman went to a farm down in Florida and, while waiting for the farmer to come out, saw a three legged pig. When the farmer came out the salesman asked him about that pig. The farmer started to brag...
That is one helluva pig - I got trapped by the tractor once when it tipped over on me - the pig saved my life. He first grabbed my cell phone from my jacket in the barn, then ran out to me with it in his mouth. He dug out from under my arm and head so I could breathe and operate the phone to call for help and he got under the tractor and pushed up to ease the pressure off of me. Saved my life, he did!
The salesman said, "so he lost his leg from the tractor, then?"
The farmer said, "no - but a while later he saved my life again when the house caught on fire. He grabbed a blanket and drug it through the water trough, then carried it to where I was sleeping. He woke me up and I used the blanket to get through the smoke."
The salesman asked, "so then it was the fire that cost him his leg?"
The farmer said "no, it wasn't the fire. But last month I was clearing out the pond and a huge gator came at me - the pig saved my life again by fighting off the gator and pulling me up onto the land. He then stayed between me and the gator till the gator left and I was able to move on my own. Yessir, that's a heckuva pig!"
The salesman said, "oh, so the gator got his leg?"
The farmer said, "no, no, it wasn't the gator."
The salesman was exasperated and said to the farmer, "well if it wasn't the tractor, or the fire or the gator, then how the hell did that pig lose his leg??"
Farmer looked at him like he was nuts and said, "Mister, a pig that good, you don't eat all at once!"
A traveling salesman went to a farm down in Florida and, while waiting for the farmer to come out, saw a three legged pig. When the farmer came out the salesman asked him about that pig. The farmer started to brag...
That is one helluva pig - I got trapped by the tractor once when it tipped over on me - the pig saved my life. He first grabbed my cell phone from my jacket in the barn, then ran out to me with it in his mouth. He dug out from under my arm and head so I could breathe and operate the phone to call for help and he got under the tractor and pushed up to ease the pressure off of me. Saved my life, he did!
The salesman said, "so he lost his leg from the tractor, then?"
The farmer said, "no - but a while later he saved my life again when the house caught on fire. He grabbed a blanket and drug it through the water trough, then carried it to where I was sleeping. He woke me up and I used the blanket to get through the smoke."
The salesman asked, "so then it was the fire that cost him his leg?"
The farmer said "no, it wasn't the fire. But last month I was clearing out the pond and a huge gator came at me - the pig saved my life again by fighting off the gator and pulling me up onto the land. He then stayed between me and the gator till the gator left and I was able to move on my own. Yessir, that's a heckuva pig!"
The salesman said, "oh, so the gator got his leg?"
The farmer said, "no, no, it wasn't the gator."
The salesman was exasperated and said to the farmer, "well if it wasn't the tractor, or the fire or the gator, then how the hell did that pig lose his leg??"
Farmer looked at him like he was nuts and said, "Mister, a pig that good, you don't eat all at once!"
gkainz
Final Approach
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The Vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you' re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.
The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
The Vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you' re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.
The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - adult beverage in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another adult beverage while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - adult beverage in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another adult beverage while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free
colomtnflyer
Cleared for Takeoff
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2007
- Messages
- 1,008
- Location
- Guess it depends on what week it is!
- Display Name
Display name:
iAM in AK!
Great Yard Sign!
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colomtnflyer
Cleared for Takeoff
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2007
- Messages
- 1,008
- Location
- Guess it depends on what week it is!
- Display Name
Display name:
iAM in AK!
The Pope goes Bear Hunting.....
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear, and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear, and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
etsisk
En-Route
Re: The Pope goes Bear Hunting.....
ugh. that was ugly.
ugh. that was ugly.
flyingcheesehead
Touchdown! Greaser!
Re: Great Yard Sign!
Ric,
Looks like you posted a link to one of your email attachments, the rest of us can't see it unless you put it somewhere publicly accessible.
Ric,
Looks like you posted a link to one of your email attachments, the rest of us can't see it unless you put it somewhere publicly accessible.
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Areeda
Pattern Altitude
I've been there and G*dammit they don't negotiate at all. They are over priced and when I tell them that they just don't care. Why the heck should I have to pay the prices THEY think is what the market will bear.
Screw them, I'm going to swimn. And I will not swallow any of the crik, guaranteed.
Joe
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
If posted previously.....I don't apologize!
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort , however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in
an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my
plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort , however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in
an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this
enough.
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture, That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals... To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. eat less
2. don't ask for money all the time
3. are easier to train
4. normally come when called
5. never ask to drive the car
and
6. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture, That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals... To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. eat less
2. don't ask for money all the time
3. are easier to train
4. normally come when called
5. never ask to drive the car
and
6. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
Ghery
Touchdown! Greaser!
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2005
- Messages
- 10,944
- Location
- Olympia, Washington
- Display Name
Display name:
Ghery Pettit
ScottM
Taxi to Parking
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2005
- Messages
- 42,530
- Location
- Variable, but somewhere on earth
- Display Name
Display name:
iBazinga!
Mixed metaphor win.
etsisk
En-Route
Hey, that isn't necessarily a FAIL, thanks - I use "it ain't rocket surgery" a fair amount - it gets the point across with some humor to ease things.