Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Lawreston said:
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and
Stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker Emergency room service.

It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat.

HR
Click to expand...

SCCutler said:
Harley, you are a Bad Man.

LOL!
Click to expand...

Bob Bement said:
Harley, Someone gave me a cap with that patch on it. Thanks for the heads up it would come in handy at DMV also. Bob
Click to expand...

If I wore that around here I would be attack by an angry mob. We are outnumbered. ;)
 
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.' 'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?' George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?' ''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims. 'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and the she storms away.


Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.......................'It's
pronounced 'quiche.''
 
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."
 
50 Years of Math in the USA

Fifty years of math in the USA
This says it all...

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 
In memory of the Boss
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss’s wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"



He replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."
 
Skip Miller said:
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.' 'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?' George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?' ''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims. 'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and the she storms away.


Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.......................'It's
pronounced 'quiche.''
Click to expand...

LOL! Now that was funny! :rofl:
 

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
Subject: THE LAWS OF LIFE

SOME ARE REALLY INTERESTING AND TRUE...........


THE LAWS OF LIFE

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.



& Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



& Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.



& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.



& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).



& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.



& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.



& Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



& Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.



& Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.



& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.



& Brown's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.



& Oliver's Law

A closed mouth gathers no feet.



& Wilson's Law

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)



& Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
 
(only marginally funny)

The Rest of the Story

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com did
take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot of Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been
called "Amazon Dot Com."

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why dost thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short
of a camel load, but simply said, 'How, dear?'

And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving
from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did
secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and
was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's
trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish
with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And
indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as
it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we
are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO!" said Abraham.

And that is how it all began... Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.
 
Speech Impediments

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
  1. Innovative
  2. Preliminary
  3. Proliferation
  4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
  1. Specificity
  2. Anti-constitutionalistically (I can’t say this sober – is it even a real word???
  3. Passive-Aggressive disorder
  4. Transubtantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
  1. No thanks, I’m married.
  2. Nope, no more booze for me!
  3. Sorry, but you’re really not my type.
  4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
  5. Good evening, Officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
  6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
  8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
  9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I just can’t **** in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
  10. I must be going home now. I have to work in the morning.
 
Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro , bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!

'The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.

'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied 'Si, senior, sometimes the bull wins
 
For months, a married couple had a heated debate over the purchase of a new family vehicle. He wanted a high-performance sports car, and she wanted a minivan with plenty of room for their growing family. Neither would give in, and they didn't have the money to buy both.

"Look," the husband finally said. "My birthday is coming up and I don't care what you buy me as long as it goes from zero to two hundred fifty in just a few seconds--so surprise me." "OK, fine," his frustrated wife answered.

When the big day finally arrived, the man got exactly what he had asked for--his very own, shiny, brand-new ... bathroom scale.
________
Harley-Davidson FX
 
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THE PARABLE OF THE WORMS

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead!
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead!
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead!
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Old Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't get worms!"
 
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.


A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.


It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.


She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.



His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.


The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.


About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.


The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.



But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.


The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.


The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.


By now the police had arrived.


They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.



Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the police-man drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.


The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.


Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by neighbors who called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were half-way down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).


Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.


A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.



And that's when he shot her.
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that

their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California

scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the

LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200

year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an

advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the

New Yorkers.'



One week later, "The Baxter Bulletin" in Arkansas reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 yards in a corn field near Mtn. Home, Bubba

Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely

nothing.



Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone

wireless.
 
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is (purpotedly) an actual reply given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term exam.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.


I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect thenumber of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.


The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 
For the last company picnic, management had decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person. I was fired for ordering the cups...
 

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How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je t'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu
ThaiPhom rak khun
Italian
Ti amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Parts of Florida and parts of Nevada
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
 
smigaldi said:
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je t'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu
ThaiPhom rak khun
Italian
Ti amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Parts of Florida and parts of Nevada
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
Click to expand...
And, in north Chicago I understand it's "Oh Boy!" Referring to gender, of course. :D
 
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:


John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
 
Steingar, at the risk of sending this long thread into the spin zone, that was brilliant. I loved it. Thanks for sharing. Reminds me of a cartoon I need to go dig up now... where did I put it? Hmmm.

P.S.--You better watch yourself now! You blasphemed Hank. He's gonna kick the snot out of you.
 
according to the credits, the guy that played John WROTE the thing, and given that the script IS the "sermon", then the whole thing came from that guy, I reckon.

odd.
 
Red Neck sea food
 

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Tom - that's FUNNY!!! :) Thanks!

mid-rats in the goat locker?
 
gkainz said:
Tom - that's FUNNY!!! :) Thanks!

mid-rats in the goat locker?
Click to expand...
Oh, that brings back memories.

Four squares and very small rack! I didn't eat rice for years after I got off that boat.
 
On the heals of "kissing Hanks butt" this may seem down right charming.

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to
the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not
have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid
of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this ***** giving you a hard time?"
 
Friendly Skies!

Slight warning - Mormon humor (not too offensive tho I hope
wink.gif



A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.
 
Federal Rebate Check
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...
As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to
stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help
the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that
money here at home is to spend it at Yard Sales, since those are the only businesses left owned by Americans!!
 
Hillary's Indian Name

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in Apache Jct., Arizona.

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future I deals for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh** it can no longer fly.
 
If Noah lived today....

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.'The government beat me to it.'
 
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