Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leaned over and said to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart--what do you think I should do?!'

He replied: 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!'
 
A guy came to work on Monday with two black eyes. A fellow worker asked where he got the black eyes. He said I got them in church on Sunday. How in the world can you get black eyes in church? Well he answered, The preacher said all stand and sing hymn # 239. When the woman in front of me stood up, her dress was caught up in the crack of her a$$. So, I reached over and pulled it out. She hit me with an overhand right in my left eye. So how did you get the other black eye then? I thought she must want her dress in the crack of her a$$ so I put it back in there.
 
Mexican Panhandlers

Mexican Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'

Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'

Carlos reads his sign. 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

Jose says, 'No wonder you only get 2-3 dollars a day.'

Carlos asks, 'So what does your sign say?'

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico.'
 
Who reads the newspaper?

Newspaper Demographics
  1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
  3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
  4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
  5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country-if they could find the time-and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
  6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
  7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
  8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated, and who like their news as pictures and/or cartoons.
  9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
  10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
  11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
  12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.
 
Question: If the weight of your skin is about the same as the weight of your brain, why aren't obese people waddling around with high super I.Q.'s???







Interesting Human Body Facts



- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.



- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.





- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.




- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.





- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.





- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.





- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.





- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.





- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.





- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.





- Women blink twice as much as men.





- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.





- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!





- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.





- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.





- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.





- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.





*** You looked at your thumb..... Didn't you?
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
oooo, sorry to hear it. I wonder if those online supplements would work?
:D
Or maybe just a smaller watch!
:rofl::rofl::rofl:
Click to expand...

If it weren't for me, the average would be the size of your pinkey.
 
Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, a< /FONT>sk If They Want Fries with that.
4.Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7.Finish All Your sentences with'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
8 .Don't use any punctuation.
9.As Often As Possible, SkipRather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Si ng Along At The Opera.
13.Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party BecauseYou're Not In the Mood.
16.Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towar ds The Parking lot, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
old joke with an av theme.
slightly unsavory language self-censored at bottom

Once upon a time there was this scud running pilot caught by nightfall's rapid approach with commensurately dwindling visibility, better find a field FAST! Our intrepid aviator at the last minute gets a glimpse of a field of new mown hay thru a hole in the clouds.

Relieved at his good fortune, he lands and taxis up to the nearby Farmhouse. The farmer comes out onto the front porch and sez, "You can spend the nite in the barn, but stay away from my daughter." As he laid down, starting to doze off, said daughter brought him a plate of supper. The conversation led to romance and the farmer's number one rule was broken.

As dawn broke our hero got long gone. Some seven years later, the pilot passed over the farm and decided to land and pay a visit. However, as he approached the house he saw a six-year-old boy standing in the front yard with the object of his former passion. The daughter, sensing his question said, "Yes, this is your son."

"Why didn't you let me know, I would've done the right thing," he said.

The daughter then replied, "We discussed it, even prayed about it, but in the end we thought it was better to have a b*s**** in the family than a pilot."
 
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After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. ' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger. 'We were just playing church, mommy.', he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
 
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. Of course, the airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you' ll think of US Airways ."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!

Silence followed, and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.
 
outsourced crew scheduling. Hope it doesnt violate anything or offend anyone. Nothing vulgar but who knows about the pc factor these days.
 

Attachments

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5 Minute Management Course

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE​




Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull $h!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of $h!t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep $h!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE​
 
This is a "two fer":

Confession to a Mexican Wife

Jose was dying. His wife, Cuca was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke Jose from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly.

"Cuca mi amor", Jose whispered in a tired voice.

"Jose mi amor", she said, "rest, and don’t talk".

He was insistent.

"Cuca", he said in a tired voice, "I have something that I must confess".

"There's nothing to confess", replied the weeping Cuca, "everything is all right, go to sleep now".

"NO, NO! I must die in peace, Cuca, I........ slept with your sister, your best friend, your comadre, your cousin, and your mother."

"Yes, I know mi amor", whispered Cuca, ... "now let the poison work, hijo de tu
**** madre !!!!!!"


The Hasty Priest

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"

"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned...!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8.Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon:
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug:
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor:
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an ****ole.
 
It is not Friday, but here is my vote for the Headline of the Day Award:

Science proves that bikinis turn men into boobs

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25197962/from/ET/

Well, duh! We all know that when a man is confronted by a beautiful woman sexily clad (or should that be sexily unclad?), all the blood rushes from his head to.... er... somewhere else. :rolleyes:

-Skip
 
Two Crocs...

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.
 
What would flys be called if they didn't have wings?
Walks!
 
Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but then push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8 )Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play?

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking?

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they'll open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

18 ) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

:D
 
History of the world

(Another email from my sister)

For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.





Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.



The two most important events in all of history were:



1. The invention of beer

2. The invention of the wheel.



The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:


1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.



Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.



Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well, done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.



Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.



Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history.



It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to **** them off.

(my sister is a flaming liberal attorney)

Joe
 
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As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does.
So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America !
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national threat!!
 
Well I was catching up on XKCD one of my favorite webcomics, and came upon this one....

xkcd_goes_to_the_airport.png
 
I thought you might enjoy this one, as any pilot might...

So... this old pilot dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

"OH! I see you were a pilot", says St. Peter... "Follow me."

St. Peter takes the pilot to a beautiful celestial airport with perfect
smooth runways of all descriptions and hangar after hangar filled with the
most wonderful aircraft ever made. "The keys are in them, fly anything you
want. Fuel is no issue, they don't ever run out". Then he takes him over to
a classy little joint at the FBO and brings him inside. There's a buffet
with all the best food and a fully stocked open bar with nothing but top
shelf liquor. Sitting around the tables are some of the finest pilots that
ever lived. St. Peter introduces him to a few and sits down to have a drink
with him.

"Man! This really is heaven?" says the pilot, "Certainly not what I was
expecting, this is wonderful!"

St. Peter just smiles and nods and pours him another drink. After sitting
and drinking and reveling in it all for awhile, the pilot recognizes an old
familiar sensation. Tentatively he asks, "Uhm, St. Peter? Uh... I sure
wasn't expecting this with this here brand new heavenly body, but I do
believe I need to go find a rest room to uh... go relieve myself. I don't
see any of the usual signs on doors, where should I go?"

"Oh, no problem", says St. Peter, "Just follow me".

St. Peter takes him out back and shows him to the edge of a little hole in
a cloud. "Just go right there".

The pilot walks over to the edge of the hole in the cloud and looks down
over the edge. "Uh, St. Peter? There appears to be some people down
there... "

"Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint, "They're from the FAA"
 
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif]Babies are like tattoos. You see other peoples' & they're cool, but yours is never as good & you can't get rid of it.[/FONT]
 
t0r0nad0 said:
"Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint, "They're from the FAA"
Click to expand...



Hey now! Some of US (FAA) are we (POA)! How's that for a grammatically correct statement....

--Matt Rogers
 
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
 
New FAA Motto

Of course, every pilot is familiar with the FAA adage "We are not happy, till you are not happy..."

Now the FAA is recreating themselves and their image...

Their new motto-
" We have upped our standards, so up yours...."
 
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