Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
*
*
*
*
*

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say
"I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only
exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act
of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the
exception. When making love, I explained, men will say
anything.

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks
you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on
from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were
in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped him."

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
 
A friend of mine sent me this from the Nimitz, can you see a 6'3 blonde gal working the deck of a carrier...."DUCK!!!"

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of whic h way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.When you correct someone you are considered knowledgeable, not bitchy. You get to pick which chores are your responsibility, the rest fall on someone else. You have no idea how clean sheets get on the bed. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and nec k.You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
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Last time I was on the Nimitz, the only females on board were the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders who were part of the USO show flown aboard to take our minds off of our 100+ days of continuous operation on station (144 days on station before we were relieved). I guess things have changed just a little since then ...
 
Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?


Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

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Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck [/FONT]Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right . . when impending doom is upon us . . . and they'll always try to warn us....
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Funny Ameriquest Commercials

These are pretty good...

Enjoy! :)
 

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Cras, Sexist, Mysoginistic.....

... and you'll love it.

-----------


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.



Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails.

Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”





For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.







They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.








Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.








He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt….. one button at a time. ……











No one moves. ……











He removes his shirt. …….












Muscles ripple across his chest. …..











She gasps………..











He whispers: …….


















“Iron this, and get me something to eat….”
 
Methodist Dinner

A group of country friends from the CottonwoodMethodistChurch wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT’s and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.
 
After 25 years of marriage, a man took a long look at his wife and said:

"Honey, 25 years ago we had nothing -- we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV. Despite that, I got to sleep every night with a hot, 25-year-old blond."

She nodded, uncertain where he was going with this. The husband continued:

"Today we have an $800,000 home, a $40,000 car, an expensive king-sized bed and a plasma flat-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. Something isn't right. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

The wife, a very reasonable woman, replied:

"If you want to go out and find yourself a hot, 25-year-year old blond, I'll be more than happy to make sure that you are once again living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch, black-and-white TV."

http://www.suntimes.com/news/steinberg/799524,CST-NWS-stein18.article
 
I know I know, it's not Friday. And hopefully this isn't a re-post:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
I'm sure none of this is true.

HR
***********************************


Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
 
A Mexican farmer is walking through his fields, when he notices a man kneeling down beside a pond, cupping a hand to bring the water to his lips to drink.

"No tomes esa agua!" the farmer shouts. "Las vacas se orinan alli."

Or, "Don't drink that water! The cows pee there."

The man looks up, scowls, and shouts back. "I'm an American! You're in America now, pal. Speak English or go home!"

The farmer pauses, then says: "Use both hands, you'll get more."
 
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Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask
that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business
on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house
and signed the loan papers,
no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that
you would do such a thing for me!
So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that
very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself,
and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for
me,
to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a
thing,
you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was
number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president
of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
 
Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it.. two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.'
 
Biology Class

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions.

"Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin."The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan."Correct.

Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
 
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
 
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, 'Ma'am,' he said, 'do all these children and this luggage belong to you?' 'Yes, sir,' my mother said with a sigh, 'they're all mine.' The customs agent began his interrogation: 'Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?' 'Sir,' she calmly answered, 'if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.'
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.""Why not?" giggles the woman."Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket!"
 
Did you hear about the guy that took his 365 used condoms in and had a tire made and called it a good year.:yes::goofy: Bob
 
Hi Bob!

Hi Bob!

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time."
 
UP or DOWN Sex

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to
go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed
to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fvck or drown." (rhymes with "up or down")
 
A Little White Lie...

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake." This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community
of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about
people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon and bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and just try to have a good time.

Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay
home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."
 
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and
Stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker Emergency room service.

It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat.

HR
 

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Harley, you are a Bad Man.

LOL!
 
Harley, Someone gave me a cap with that patch on it. Thanks for the heads up it would come in handy at DMV also. Bob
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your
problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher ex-
plained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong.'
 
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...........On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former slut.
New-Age........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....................No B.J.'s
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional........................*****.
Voluptuous......... ................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.




DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
We need to talk......................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Do what you want..................You will pay for this later
I am not upset..............Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.....Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you.............................Let's have sex now
I am bored..........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?.........I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to a movie?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay
 
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