Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Uh... me? Don't think I made any political commentary except for this post. Maybe you meant 1RTK1?
 
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A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."






But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
 
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,one Anne
Maynard has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Maynard was actually admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..
 
A man hears that The Antique road show is coming to town so he goes to his attic. In the attic he finds an old violin and an old oil painting which he bring along to the valuers. They inspect the items and tell him that he has in his possession a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Naturally he goes berserk and jumps up and down and cheers, I'm rich, I'm rich. The valuer says to him, "Unfortunately your not rich, you see Stradavari was a terrible painter and Rambrandt couldn't make violins to save his life...."
 
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
 
Cap'n Jack said:
He's need to buy an infinite number of books to salve all his problems. The first solved 50%, the second another 50% of the remainder, leaving 25% :goofy:
Click to expand...

So you're saying that the half life of stupidity is long??? And the cure is expensive???
 
A circus owner runs an ad for a 'lion tamer' and two people showed up. One is a pilot in his late-sixties to seventies (mscard88) and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"



The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired Pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Pilot replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
 
1RTK1 said:
A circus owner runs an ad for a 'lion tamer' and two people showed up. One is a pilot in his late-sixties to seventies (mscard88) and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"



The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired Pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Pilot replies, "Possibly ... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
Click to expand...

Oh hell yeah! :rockon::rofl:
 
The Korean War, in which the US Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many, many many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean Officer.

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many, many, many Chinese!"

"Dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine Liaison Officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes Sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "Exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"General, we've got a whole ****ing ****load of Chinese up here!

"Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"
 
Cap'n Jack said:
The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the
bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says,
"Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's
your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about
Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.


The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his
whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."


The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . .
still happy . . . with Obama Trump? "


Seems just as funny this way.
Click to expand...

And more accurate.
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother,


'Don't eat it, it's an ***hole!'
 
When I first moved to Gallup, I took a warm sunny afternoon off to explore the downtown area.

On one of the street corners, I noticed an older native American. Every time a pretty woman would walk by he would hold his hand up and say "Chance". So I watched him for a while. He only said chance to the pretty ladies.

I was curious about his action, so I went up to him. "Please excuse my interruption. I thought Indians said 'How" to greet someone. Why do you say chance"?

He stood up straight, folded his arms across his chest and looked at me. He said, "Me know how, me want chance...."
 
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I.”
 
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