Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

mscard88 said:
Gawd what was that photographer thinking! Opportunity man! Hope that wasn't @Lowflynjack.....:(
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I knew that you weren’t the photographer and I knew that I definitely wasn’t the photographer, but that still leaves open a lot of possibilities...
 
Ryanb said:
I knew that you weren’t the photographer and I knew that I definitely wasn’t the photographer, but that still leaves open a lot of possibilities...
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Yeah y'all know where I would've been pointing the camera! Boobies!*

* those birds, you know booby birds..l
 
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister,"If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to

send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help

her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."


Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to sendher the word "Comfortable"."


The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, Comfortable?"


The brunette explains,
"My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
 
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.
They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation.
In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.
His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina .
We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow inTrauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.
Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
 
A guy buys a bull for some big money, figuring he'll be able to make a pretty good profit from using it as a breeder for his cows. Days, then weeks, go by with no action. The guy is getting worried that he's wasted thousands of dollars on this bull so he calls the vet. Vet comes over, checks the bull over carefully, then says, "There's nothing really wrong, he just seems like a slow starter. Here are some pills, give him one of these for a few days and see what happens." The guy pills his bull and waits to see what happens. Sure enough, over the course of the next couple days that bull services all the cows, then breaks through the fence and handles the neighbor's cows as well. A couple days after that the vet comes by to check on the progress. The guy is so very grateful that he can't stop thanking the vet and finally says, "Doc, I have no idea what's in those pills, but they taste like peppermint."
 
KennyFlys said:
I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second and rear-ended a car.

We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a DWARF!!

He was pi$sed!

He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"
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Obviously GRUMPY!
 
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Matthew said:
A guy buys a bull for some big money, figuring he'll be able to make a pretty good profit from using it as a breeder for his cows. Days, then weeks, go by with no action. The guy is getting worried that he's wasted thousands of dollars on this bull so he calls the vet. Vet comes over, checks the bull over carefully, then says, "There's nothing really wrong, he just seems like a slow starter. Here are some pills, give him one of these for a few days and see what happens." The guy pills his bull and waits to see what happens. Sure enough, over the course of the next couple days that bull services all the cows, then breaks through the fence and handles the neighbor's cows as well. A couple days after that the vet comes by to check on the progress. The guy is so very grateful that he can't stop thanking the vet and finally says, "Doc, I have no idea what's in those pills, but they taste like peppermint."
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Rumor has it that this high dollar prize winning bull mounted so many cows he went cross eyed. Knowing this was going to ruin the value of the bull he once again called his trusty vet. The vet made an emergency trek to the ranch to help his customer. Upon examination he announces the treatment will be to restrain the bull in the working chute and he will expertly insert a 10 foot piece of hose up the bulls rectum then blow in the hose with just the right amount of pressure and volume to force the eyeballs back into the proper position. The vet instructs the rancher to watch the bulls eyes and inform him when the eyeballs look right so he does not overdue it. So they start and the vet huffs and puffs on the end of the hose for 45 minutes until the vet can barely stand up and the eyeballs don’t even twitch.

When the vet gives up the rancher is devastated and tells the vet as a last resort he would like to try it and have the vet watch the bulls eyes. So gasping for air the vet says why not and they reverse positions. But the rancher pulls the ten foot hose out of the bulls rectum and ends for ends it. When he starts to blow on the other end of the hose just a little bit the eyeballs start to straighten out. In amazement the vet watches as the rancher continues and at the right moment he tells the rancher to stop. The rancher puts his thumb over the end of the hose and quickly yanks it out of the bulls butt.

The vet says that was just amazing but how did the rancher know to reverse the hose up the bulls rectum. The old rancher looked at the vet with a puzzled expression and says “Well you did not expect me to blow on the same end of the hose as you did?”
 
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool, and drinking wine isn't a good thing. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 80 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!" The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
 
Careful, Mark - the MC just deleted one of my posts for political content. :D
 
If every joke was politically correct, the joke thread would be less than one page long.
 
A1Topgun said:
If every joke was politically correct, the joke thread would be less than one page long.
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Who said anything about politically correct?

There's a huge difference 'twixt "politically correct" and "blatantly political."

Personally' I really don't give a flying f***, but them's what the rules say. And, as I always say, if you have a rule enforce it, if you're not going to enforce it then get rid of it. Selective enforcement or none at all is chicken chit BS...all that does is breed contempt from those who try to follow the rules towards those to blatantly flout them. And Mscard88 blatantly flouts every social norm here.

Edit: BTW...if you want a site that's the Wild West where you can post the most outrageous offensive chit imaginable without fear of retribution, then I might suggest Bryan's "uncontrolled airspace" Facebook group. That place is overrun by pre-pubescent personalies who try to out-gross, out-insult, out-pervert and out-rageous each other with every post. It's quite the trip. But...it's unmoderated and "them's the rules."
 
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THE WORLD'S MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE

A Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Mormon, a Sikh, a Hare Krishna, a Buddhist, a Pagan, an Atheist, a 3rd wave feminist, a non-binary gender neutral otherkin, a transgender Black Lives Matter activist, a Jehovah's Witness and a Muslim walk into a bar that only serves gluten free, dairy free, eco friendly, carbon neutral, halal, kosher, non GM, fair trade, free range, vegan, recycled water.

Nobody said or did anything and an acceptable time was had by all.
 
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