Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Since it's Father's Day, a dad joke. Actually a riddle:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

-

Years ago I asked my niece, she answered, "Syrup!"

I said, "No, a st...wait...that was actually pretty good!"
 
And did you hear about the New Jersey school superintendent who, as he took his early morning jog, was regularly stopping and taking a sh*t on a rival school's football field. (...and...BTW...shouldn't that term be "leaving a sh*t" and not "taking one?")

Anyway, the other school set up surveillance on their field and caught him. He's facing multiple charges. And the locals have a nickname for the upcoming court proceedings...

...wait for it...

Board of Education vs. Brown

<har!>
 
A true story joke:

I built an O’Reilly in Brook Park, OH about 8 years ago. A big O’Reilly. About 15,000 SF of store, mini warehouse, regional offices, etc. Brook Park is suburb of Cleveland just east of the main airport. It is a very strong union area; there’s a Chevy plant at one end of town and a Ford plant at the other. Being a “working class community” there were quite a few gentlemen’s clubs on the main drag between the two plants; Brookpark Rd. (yes, the city is two words, the road one). Sunbelt Rentals and Fastenal were both located on this same road. Both are national companies, both who I had accounts with, and frequently did business with while building O’Reillys.

Fastenal is one of those places that has just about everything you need and they keep it in stock. BUT…and this is a big BUT…they are at least twice of price of anyone else, especially when compared to the big distributors, like Dynamic Fastener, who has yards in St. Louis, KC, & Memphis and will ship it to you for far, far less than you can buy it from Fastenal. But, ordering from Dynamic Fastener meant three days to a week lead time. Thus, if I was walking into a Fastenal store I was already mad at myself for not adequately planning ahead because I knew that I would be soon spending far more money on something than I otherwise would have.

So, late one afternoon, after a particularly bad day on the job, I had to run to Fastenal for something…don’t recall what…it doesn’t matter. And Fastenal is wedged right between two gentlemen’s clubs. Since Brook Park was about the fourth or fifth store I built in the area, of about a dozen total, I had been in there numerous times by now (Fastenal, not the gentlemen’s clubs) and knew the kid at the counter quite well. So, I walked up to the counter and said something like:

“Do you know how much I appreciate you guys? No, really? You have no idea. I mean, really. I can walk into the business to your left or the business on your right and spend quite a bit of money only to get teased for hours. But, you guys…you guys…I can depend on. Because you guys f*** me every time I walk thru your door!”

<har>

(and he actually laughed his ass off too)

BTW…why are they called “gentlemen’s clubs?” The letches who frequent those places are far from “gentlemen.”
 
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A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked: "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...
 
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Happy, but a little puzzled,
I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'
 
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."
 
80a50388f1d61a36cc65805b483ed633.jpg
 
When the first Star Trek Movie (#1, aka that god awful POS script reject about V'ger) was being made, they changed all the officer uniforms to red. When William Shatner saw the new uniform design, he asked the director if this meant that everyone was getting killed off.
 
One afternoon, an air traffic controller at the local military training base received a call

"Tower, this is Captain Wilson, what time is it?"

The ATC replied: "Sir, I need to know which branch of the service you fly for?"

The Capt; "What difference does it make to you, just tell me what time it is"

ATC: Sir I can't tell you what time it is if I don't know which service you are"

Capt: "Listen son, I'm a Captain, a pilot, and I damn sure outrank you you snot nosed sonofabitch, tell me what time it is, right now"

ATC: "Yes sir Captain Sir, if you are a Captain in the Navy, Sir, the time is 14:30, sir. If you're a Captain in the Air force, it's 2:30 pm, Sir, and if you're a Captain in the Army, sir, Mickey's big hand is on the Six..............
 
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!

Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh God darling, this one's even tighter'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'
 
Mother superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Bushmills received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount of the whiskey into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips again. Mother drank a little, then a little more; and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." The old nun raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
 
steingar said:
One afternoon, an air traffic controller at the local military training base received a call

"Tower, this is Captain Wilson, what time is it?"

The ATC replied: "Sir, I need to know which branch of the service you fly for?"

The Capt; "What difference does it make to you, just tell me what time it is"

ATC: Sir I can't tell you what time it is if I don't know which service you are"

Capt: "Listen son, I'm a Captain, a pilot, and I damn sure outrank you you snot nosed sonofabitch, tell me what time it is, right now"

ATC: "Yes sir Captain Sir, if you are a Captain in the Navy, Sir, the time is 14:30, sir. If you're a Captain in the Air force, it's 2:30 pm, Sir, and if you're a Captain in the Army, sir, Mickey's big hand is on the Six..............
Click to expand...


...and if you're a Captain in the Marine Corp, sir, it's time for a beer.
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab asked, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
 
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
 
What do you call someone with no arms and no legs..............

On your front door step? Matt.

On your barbecue? Patty

On your wall? Art

In your swimming pool? Bob

In your Hot tub? Stew

And last but not least...

What do you call a dog with no legs?





























































It doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway!
 
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
 
Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
 
OO_RAH.jpg

A U.S. Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Manitowish Waters, WI .

He says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever living crap out of a flag burning, cop hating, anti-Trump protester."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
 
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 
mscard88 said:
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he ask
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Click to expand...

Vn4vuCj.gif
 
A man goes to the negligee store to buy a present for his wife. He sees a number of them, the more sheer the more expensive. He finally buys the $500 one, which is so sheer as to be nearly invisible. he takes it home to his wife and asks her to model it. She takes it in the bedroom, sees the price tag, and decides to just pose nude for him, take it back and get the $500. She figures it's so sheer he won't know the difference. So she appears nude on the landing with her husband downstairs and asks him: "what do you think?"

He says: "for $500 they could have ironed the thing."
 
steingar said:
A man goes to the negligee store to buy a present for his wife. He sees a number of them, the more sheer the more expensive. He finally buys the $500 one, which is so sheer as to be nearly invisible. he takes it home to his wife and asks her to model it. She takes it in the bedroom, sees the price tag, and decides to just pose nude for him, take it back and get the $500. She figures it's so sheer he won't know the difference. So she appears nude on the landing with her husband downstairs and asks him: "what do you think?"

He says: "for $500 they could have ironed the thing."
Click to expand...

Ouch. lol.
 
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texas Aggie who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Aggie smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
 
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