Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

denverpilot said:
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Well just stand by. Tomorrow is The Revenge of the Sixth.
 
Three men got lost in the woods. They stumbled across a farmhouse and go over to it. When they knock on the door, an old farmer greets them. “Do you mind if we stay the night?” One of the lost men asks. “Sure, as long as you don’t get any ideas with my daughter” replies the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer calls the three other men and says “Just so you know, I had my daughter put a razor blade in her vagina.” So he tells the first man to pull down his pants, and his penis falls off. When the second one does the same, his also falls off. When the third one does it, his didn’t fall off. “Thank you for not getting kinky with my daughter.” The farmer says. When the third man went to reply, his tongue fell off.

I know, groannnnmn...
 
Our neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took

It to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the

Dog's' ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep

This from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some

"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this

Under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for

A couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,

I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest with his five rules for a happy life?



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 
A pilot and another guy are drinking in a rooftop bar on top of a highrise building. It's a really windy day and the pilot has been bragging about what a challenge it is to land in this kind of wind and how well he is able to do it. After a while the other guy says "That's nothing. With a wind like this you don't even need an airplane to fly."
Pilot: "Whaddaya mean?"
Guy: "The wind blowing up the side of this building generates enough of an updraft that you can just step over the railing and float."
Pilot: "NFW"
Guy: "Wanna bet? Hundred bucks."
Pilot: "You're on."
They plunk the cash on the bar, the guy walks over to the railing, steps over and off the building, sinks a few feet, then floats back up and steps right back on the building.
Pilot: "Wow, never would of thought. You sure won that bet."
Guy: "Yea - it's easy, you should try."
Pilot: "OK"
The pilot walks over to the edge, steps over the rail, off the building, and plummets 30 stories to his death.
Bartender: "You know, you can be a real ******* when you're drunk Superman."
 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

happy mutha's day.
 
An elderly widower pilot walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He is in his nineties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, wings on his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says:

"So, tell me... do I come here often?"
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. Hat top to Annabelle Mark who is a constant source of this type of material

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' "
 
Caution. Equal opportunity offensiveness ahead.
(if looking for PC jokes, do not read!)




"OH, HELL!!! ... Let's offend everybody!


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?



A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat







Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?



A. To a different bar.







Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?



A. A speech impediment.







Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?



A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.







Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?



A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, theSex Education class uses it.







Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?



A. The southern zoo has a description of the animals along with a recipe.







Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?



A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'







Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???



A. A northern fairytale begins ....'Once upon a time...'



A southern fairytale begins .. 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'







Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?



A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United State!"
 
In West Virginia, a new law was recently passed that once a husband and wife divorced, they could remain brother and sister.
 
You know how Max Factor makes eyelashes look 3x longer?

Maybe we need to get MaxFactor to make condoms.
 
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