Understanding Engineers

RotorAndWing

RotorAndWing

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Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."



And Finally

Two engineers???

Two ( I think) engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Yankle, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.


 
My favorite, and I'm an engineer....

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."
 
RotorAndWing said:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an aviation degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Click to expand...

FTFY! ;)
 
The doctor, engineer, and lawyer were arguing who had the oldest profession. The doctor pulls out the bible and says that God made man out of clay, that was surely a feat of surgery. The engineer turns a few pages back in the book and says god made turned chaos into the heavens and the earth, that is certainly a feat of engineering. The lawyer says, who do you think made all that chaos?
 
I have a t-shirt with R&W's #2.
 
The following riddle is posed to a scientist and an engineer. There is a naked lady on the bed across the room, you may approach her by half the distance, then half of the remaining distance, and continue in this fashion. The scientist will give up in despair realizing he will never get there. The engineer will figure he will get close enough.
 
An introverted engineer looks at their shoes while talking to you...an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes while talking to you
 
This really happened. During one of the WV62 get togethers we all went to the local waterfall, which is spectacularly gorgeous. Mrs. Steingar was staring at it trying to take in the majestic beauty. I was staring at it thinking about the geological processes that make such a marvel. Gary (an engineer) was looking at it trying to calculate the volume of water flowing over the edge per unit time.
 
A meat head decided to get a job working as a laborer at a construction site. Being overconfident, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right: Get in."
 
steingar said:
This really happened. During one of the WV62 get togethers we all went to the local waterfall, which is spectacularly gorgeous. Mrs. Steingar was staring at it trying to take in the majestic beauty. I was staring at it thinking about the geological processes that make such a marvel. Gary (an engineer) was looking at it trying to calculate the volume of water flowing over the edge per unit time.
Click to expand...

I've been in similar places and angered my friends with talk of a dam and generators so all that energy won't go to waste.
 
"Godiva was a Lady who through Coventry did ride,
To show the town and villagers her fine and lilly white hide,
The most observant of them; an engineer of course,
Was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.
 
John Collins said:
The following riddle is posed to a scientist and an engineer. There is a naked lady on the bed across the room, you may approach her by half the distance, then half of the remaining distance, and continue in this fashion. The scientist will give up in despair realizing he will never get there. The engineer will figure he will get close enough.
Click to expand...

Close enough was my approach to design problems in my long and sometimes fantastically exciting but mostly routine engineering career in aircraft and engine development. :yes:

Actually most of the time, the original guess based on experience was close enough but with advent of CAD, the younger engineers had answers to 29 decimal points which is totally unnecessary for the execution of the design. :lol:

BTW that's the difference between a pracical design engineer and one who is focused on the process and not the product.;)

Cheers
 
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe said:
So do I
http://computergear.com/optimisttshirt.html

And this one: http://computergear.com/enmottshir.html

And...
Click to expand...

The funniest glass half empty/full thing I've ever seen, I just stumbled across recently. Find a pic at: http://dirtystall.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/half-empty-or-half-full

NOTE: Don't open if you're easily offended :)

I'm meeting a good friend of mine for lunch today, and he's an engineer. Going to have to send him the OP's list - he'll get a kick out of them.
 
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
 
Gave me a good laugh. I've trained several Engineers for various certificates and ratings as a CFI and they all have one thing in common-they overthink stuff. They generally do very well at the ground work and knowlege aspect, but have a tougher time developing a feel for the airplane, which is most important for VFR (PPL, SPL and Comm) students because many of them tend to think in absolutes. I was training one guy for his commercial ASEL, and he kept trying to time when to turn towards the runway for a Power off 180 in seconds rather than sight picture. Sure, his method would have worked if the wind had stayed exactly the same for the entire hour we were practicing them, but it was highly variable between straight down the runway and about a 50 degree X-Wind component and somewhat gusty too.

I had another guy working towards his private that was struggling with crosswind landings. He kept asking exactly how much rudder and aileron was needed to point the airplane down the centerline with no drift. My answer? Whatever it takes. I finally told him to forget about the crosswind and just do whatever it takes to touch down with the nose straight down the centerline and no drift and the rest will come together. He was making very good crosswind landings after that.
 
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JOhnH said:
"Godiva was a Lady who through Coventry did ride,
To show the town and villagers her fine and lilly white hide,
The most observant of them; an engineer of course,
Was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.
Click to expand...

Makes me thirsty.
 
Why are engineer's personalities so much in demand for personality transplants?

They have never been used!

BSME/PE
 
RotorAndWing said:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Click to expand...
To us Space System Engineers, the glass has a 100% design margin.

Ron Wanttaja
 
wanttaja said:
To us Space System Engineers, the glass has a 100% design margin.

Ron Wanttaja
Click to expand...

An engineer once explained why it isn't a design or safety margin but is really too tall.

Basically, nothing bad enough happens if its capacity is exceeded. No new super fund sites, no massive lawsuits, and little to no loss of life.
 
GCA319 said:
Gave me a good laugh. I've trained several Engineers for various certificates and ratings as a CFI and they all have one thing in common-they overthink stuff.
Click to expand...
We must have many engineers on POA. :D
 
GCA319 said:
Gave me a good laugh. I've trained several Engineers for various certificates and ratings as a CFI and they all have one thing in common-they overthink stuff. They generally do very well at the ground work and knowlege aspect, but have a tougher time developing a feel for the airplane, which is most important for VFR (PPL, SPL and Comm) students because many of them tend to think in absolutes. I was training one guy for his commercial ASEL, and he kept trying to time when to turn towards the runway for a Power off 180 in seconds rather than sight picture. Sure, his method would have worked if the wind had stayed exactly the same for the entire hour we were practicing them, but it was highly variable between straight down the runway and about a 50 degree X-Wind component and somewhat gusty too.

I had another guy working towards his private that was struggling with crosswind landings. He kept asking exactly how much rudder and aileron was needed to point the airplane down the centerline with no drift. My answer? Whatever it takes. I finally told him to forget about the crosswind and just do whatever it takes to touch down with the nose straight down the centerline and no drift and the rest will come together. He was making very good crosswind landings after that.
Click to expand...

In other words, you have to get the feedback system set up properly. :D
 
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John Collins said:
The following riddle is posed to a scientist and an engineer. There is a naked lady on the bed across the room, you may approach her by half the distance, then half of the remaining distance, and continue in this fashion. The scientist will give up in despair realizing he will never get there. The engineer will figure he will get close enough.
Click to expand...

The way I heard it, it was an engineer and a mathematician.

A scientist may have a theory, but will want to do an experiment to find the answer.
 
Palmpilot said:
The way I heard it, it was an engineer and a mathematician.

A scientist may have a theory, but will want to do an experiment to find the answer.
Click to expand...

Yeah, Zeno's paradox is mathematical. Both engineers and scientists know how it resolves.

There are a whole bunch of math jokes out there, too. Like, a topologist is a guy who can't tell a donut from a coffee mug. They are both genus 1....
 
I first heard #8 while I was at Georgia Tech.

My uncle, an engineer who graduated from Stevens in NJ, told me #3. I happened to retell it last night. It's one of my favorites. :lol:

P.S. You can't spell geek (nor beer) without double-E.
 
GCA319 said:
I wouldn't be suprised. Lot's of pilots are engineers :D.
Click to expand...

We've already had several chime in on this thread.

Signed,

Another engineer
 
Everskyward said:
We must have many engineers on POA. :D
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Probably the truest statement of the day!

From another that was trained as an engineer, but couldn't quite make it. So I became an executive and then a business owner.
 
MAKG1 said:
Yeah, Zeno's paradox is mathematical. Both engineers and scientists know how it resolves.

There are a whole bunch of math jokes out there, too. Like, a topologist is a guy who can't tell a donut from a coffee mug. They are both genus 1....
Click to expand...

Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
 
Four engineers are driving along. All of a sudden the car shakes, the engine sputters and dies, and the car rolls to a stop. The chemical engineer says "I'll get out and check the fuel." The mechanical engineer says "I'll get out and check the transmission." The electrical engineer says "I'll get out and check the battery and alternator." The software engineer says "I'll get out and get back in."
 
Everskyward said:
We must have many engineers on POA. :D
Click to expand...

Got a BS in Electrical Engineering at the Academy, but never used it. But I still like the jokes:

An artist, an architect, and an engineer were at the bar discussing the relative values and enjoyment of mistresses and wives.

The artists decided, 'I would much rather have my mistress! It is always exciting and a little bit naughty and different.'

The architect said, 'I much prefer my wife. I like the stability and certainty.'

The engineer said, 'I like to have both. That way, my wife can think I'm with my mistress, my mistress can think I'm with my wife, and I can get back to the plant to get some work done.'
 
Why are engineers so risk averse? If we take a big risk and fail, vehicles crash, bridges collapse, airplanes fall out of the sky and people die. If we take a big risk and succeed, we get a handsome certificate suitable for framing.


BSME, MSE :yes:

P.S.--Jack, who said these are jokes? These are my coworkers . . . .
 
I just spoke to my daughter tonight, minutes after she finished writing the PE exam. She was exhausted and uncertain if she passed, but it went better than she feared it would. She was going to dinner with friends to celebrate . . . at Red Robin for "clucks and fries". I am pretty certain she is qualified to be a professional engineer if she sees that as a celebration dinner.

Scott
 
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