Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Many years ago on a long trans-continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.

She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f***ing advice, he'll ask me."
 
A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The engineer paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no
mistakes. He's well worth the money. "With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked. "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper. The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000. Reading that the customer said, "$50,000!!!! Holy smoke, what does this one do?" "Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot!"
 
Old one but a goodie!

An old pilot sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him….


She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'


He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Taylorcrafts, Cessnas, Pipers, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
Our First Woman POTUS...

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United States.

A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Daytona Beach and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?

"I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee."

"Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door," she said.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

"Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come."

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.

The parents of the new President are seated in the front row. The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, "You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do."

Dad leans back, arms folded, and says proudly: "Her sister is a Navy Chief!
 
Nawww this wouldn't happen in 'merica!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the whole event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:



U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH



And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days. Yup.
 
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Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see" Ed replied.

He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball
 
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day.

Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary
 



Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HELL-OOO!!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
 
A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law. Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip. For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible. They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away. On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager. A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack. The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00. If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00. The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day. The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision. "I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager. "That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00". "Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband, "And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave. For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"
 
Norm thought that joke sounded familiar. Ya posted it back on Sep 26. ;):)
 
One from college. I just retold it yesterday and laughed myself silly


A young man was having a wonderful date with a girl he really liked. Near the end of the drive home, the young man feels a fart coming on. "Maybe I can hold it in until I drop her off," he thinks.

As they pull up to the house, she asks, "aren't you going to walk me to the door?" Ok, it's just an extra minute.

The door opens, and the girl's father says, "I've heard so much about you! Come inside for some coffee!" Not good. The rumblings are getting stronger.

While the girls make the coffee, he sits with dad in the living room. A short time later, the family dog, Rover, comes to him to say hello, and sits in front of him, getting a good ear scratch.

He thinks, "Hmmm, maybe I can blame this on the dog. Let me give it a little test." Pfffft!

"Rover!" Yells the father.

Feeling relieved the dog was blamed, the young man lets another one rip, this time a bit louder. Brippp!

"ROVER!" Yells the father again.

Feeling confident, the boyfriend lets it all out -- a nasty stinker.

"ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE S***S ALL OVER YOU! "
 
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