Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
TangoWhiskey said:
It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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I'm going to pee in your window at Gaston's.
 
Four hours early...

When asked about retirement this week, a question likely more about performance than his age, Tiger Woods said he wasn’t ready to call it quits yet because he doesn’t “have an AARP card.”

” … I’m still young,” he added. “I’m not 40 yet. I know some of you guys think I’m buried and done, but I’m still right here in front of you.”

After finishing today's opening round of the British Open at 4 over par the AARP tweeted out a rebuttal:

@TigerWoods It's better to be over 50, than it is to be over par. #DisruptAging #TheOpen

:rofl:
 
BigBadLou said:
Can somebody post a funny joke, please? :)
(it is Friday afterall)
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If dogs could text.

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Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. An angel asks, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man."

The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids."

The last guy says, "I would like them to say -- LOOK, he's moving!"
 
A guy goes to the FAA FSDO to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is the FAA…", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
 
No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talkingabout the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves..

As a die hard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California . Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.
 
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Norman said:
No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious….
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And of course the Dallas Cowboys is not PC.

Must change it to the Dallas Cowpersons.

PETA will also weigh in and want to abolish the Detroit Lions, the LSU Tigers, and the Chicago Bears. OH MY!!
 
And while we're on the topic of NFL team names, what is it with the TV commentators always using the catchy little nicknames?

The New England Patriots are "The Pats"

The Jacksonville Jaguars are "The Jags"

And Green Bay is "The Pack"

So what should they call the Tennessee Titans? :dunno:

:D
 
MikeELP said:
And while we're on the topic of NFL team names, what is it with the TV commentators always using the catchy little nicknames?

The New England Patriots are "The Pats"

The Jacksonville Jaguars are "The Jags"

And Green Bay is "The Pack"

So what should they call the Tennessee Titans? :dunno:

:D
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And the Miami Dolhpins are the "Fins".
 
Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)
 
A man walks into the bar, chugs a beer, slams down the empty mug and yells, "I have a 44 magnum in my pocket with six rounds in it and I'm here to deal with who ever's been f***ing my wife."

Dead silence falls over the tavern.

Then a quiet voice is heard from the back...

"You didn't bring near enough ammo, mister."
 
A marxist, a muslim, and an illegal alien walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll it be Mr. President?"
 
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,one Anne
Maynard has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Maynard was actually admitted in
Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”
 
How do you know you're halfway through a date with a pilot?


He says, "Enough about airplanes... Let's talk about me!" :D
 
A new job for Al.
 

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Jaybird180 said:
What does it mean when Marlon Wayans pushed the button for the gold confetti? As you can tell, I don't watch the show to understand how it works, but I do know there's a contest.
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I believe that means the actor moves to the next level of the competition.
 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, " What are the grounds for your divorce."
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can't communicate with me."
 
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
​

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
​
 
You know when geese fly south for the winter they fly in a V formation, why is the V longer on one side than the other > > > > > there's more geese on the long side
 
True story:

I was at my buddy's house and we were talking to his neighbor. She's complaining about having to spend most of the day with her dog at the vet. Her husband comes home, asks her how her day went, and she said, "I spent all day on the internet learning all I could about anal sacs." He got a look on his face...a slight grin, one raised eyebrow... She said, "What?" He said, "What?" She said, "Wait...What?? Oh, no way were you thinking that!!", and stormed inside. He stood there wondering what just happened. My buddy and I nearly spilled our beers laughing.
 
Ok, it's not Friday but I just got back from visiting a friend in the hospital and I have to relate what he told me.

It seems he was getting on an elevator leaving work yesterday. He was a little impatient because these elevators were a bit slow, but he wasn't at all annoyed when it stopped on the very next floor and a very busty woman got on. He said short skirt, high heels and absolutely straining the buttons on her blouse. She said "Press one please", so he did and then he really can't remember what happened after that.
 
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