Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.

He began his series of questions.

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??”

Aircraft: “Because the ***** in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”
 
A priest, a rabbi, and a baptist preacher walk into a bar...
The bartender looks skyward and says, "Oh God, is this some kind of a joke?"
 
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Do you know why you always take two Baptists fishing?

If you only take one, he will drink all of your beer.
 
bburnett said:
Do you know why you always take two Baptists fishing?

If you only take one, he will drink all of your beer.
Click to expand...
heh - true story - My wife and I were eating dinner at a place that would bring a carafe of wine to your table if you wanted. The two couples at the next table over were asked by their waiter if they'd like wine for the table. They hesitated, looked at each other for a while, then looked around a little bit to see if anyone was watching, and finally told the waiter, "Yeah, I guess so. We're Baptists, but were sort of "Northern" Baptists."
 
Best religious joke ever.... by Emo Phillips
====================================
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal
Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
 
What do you call a bear with no teeth??







A Gummy Bear!!! :D
 
What is it with morning show hosts that continually laugh that fake laugh non-stop? Funny stuff but the idiots laughing ruin it. Once in a while is fine but it's like they have a laugh track going.
 
Neal Howard said:
Best religious joke ever.... by Emo Phillips
====================================
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal
Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Click to expand...
That was funny
 
Just saw this today on Yahoo! Answers:

Q: What is a neighbor called in German?

A: My neighbor is from Germany and his name is Rob.
 
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt."

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
 
denverpilot said:
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt."

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
Click to expand...

PERFECT!!!!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
 
denverpilot said:
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt."

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
Click to expand...
Pretty clever. Ironically, this is one of those jokes that works regardless of the political party.
 
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
 
Peyton Manning's advice for Bostonians having trouble driving with all the snow - "Let some air out of your tires."
 
A man received the following text from his neighbor...

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess; I have been helping myself to your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn autocorrect! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should read, 'your wifi"...
 
What did the egg say to the water?



It may take a minute to get hard I just got laid by a chick.
 
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "confessions and our donations have nearly doubled since I began that program!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' just cannot stay on the church roof!"
 
A man
> boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw
> the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was
> heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat
> right beside his.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
> "Business trip or pleasure?"
> She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next
> to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
>
> Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
> role at this convention?"
>
> "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
> "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
>
> "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
> men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
> American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
> Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
> it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
> I have also discovered that the lover with
> absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly the woman
> became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
> "I'm sorry," she said, "I really
> shouldn't be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your
> Name.
> "Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
> Billy Bob."
 
Hilly and Billy walk into a restaurant pick a table and set down, 30 minutes pass before Hilly hollers to the bar keep, and says "we been here 30 minutes and no waiter yet".

The Bartender hollers back, " Sorry, we thought you brought your own server ".
 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

HR
 
1467405_990572447620138_1908724194337147234_n.jpg
 
Massachusetts Crow Deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead c rows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

H owever, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.



He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
What do you call a cow with no legs?











Ground Beef!!!!
 
Tell me if this happens to you too....

So I've been flying Southwest a lot lately. Every time I get on the airplane they tell me I can sit in any open seat. But no matter how soon I get on the plane, including being the first one with no preboards...those front two seats with the good windows are ALWAYS occupied. The few times I've found one of them not occupied, it was being "saved" for his buddy.

Anyone got hints for how to I can beat those guys to the punch ;)
 
bflynn said:
Tell me if this happens to you too....

So I've been flying Southwest a lot lately. Every time I get on the airplane they tell me I can sit in any open seat. But no matter how soon I get on the plane, including being the first one with no preboards...those front two seats with the good windows are ALWAYS occupied. The few times I've found one of them not occupied, it was being "saved" for his buddy.

Anyone got hints for how to I can beat those guys to the punch ;)
Click to expand...
Use a punch to beat(up) those guys! Especially the one that was saving it for a Buddy.
 
bflynn said:
Tell me if this happens to you too....

So I've been flying Southwest a lot lately. Every time I get on the airplane they tell me I can sit in any open seat. But no matter how soon I get on the plane, including being the first one with no preboards...those front two seats with the good windows are ALWAYS occupied. The few times I've found one of them not occupied, it was being "saved" for his buddy.

Anyone got hints for how to I can beat those guys to the punch ;)
Click to expand...

Find a buddy.
 
The answer is: Cock Robin

The question is: What's that in my a** Batman?
 
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office, but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.’
The girl looked at him and then said, ‘NO.'
Eddie said, ‘I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.’
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,
'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 
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