Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

file.php
 
Claude The Hypnotist was invited to perform at the senior center at the Wednesday luncheon.

Claude told the seniors that he would hypnotize them and proceeded to pull a pocket watch on a jeweled chain out of his pocket. Claude swayed the watch in front of the crowd, saying, " Keep your eyes on my watch. You are getting sleepy. You are getting sleepy. " Just then, the chain broke, dropping the watch to the floor.

"Crap!", Claude exclaimed.

It took two days to clean up the senior center, and Claude was never invited back.
 
A farmer drove over to his neighbors farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 years old answered.

"Is your dad home?" Asked the farmer. "No," replied the boy. " He and my mom went into town." "Well, is your brother, Howard, home?" Asked the farmer. "No," replied the boy. "Howard went with them." "But if you need to borrow tools or something, I know where he keeps them, and you can just leave him a note." Said the boy.

" No, " replied the farmer. " I need to talk with your father about Howard getting my daughter, Susie, pregnant."

"Well, you'll need to talk to my dad about that." Said the boy. " I know he gets $500 for bulls and $50 for pigs, but I honestly don't know what he gets for Howard."
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that
moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Click to expand...
lol haha
 
gkainz said:
WOMAN'S POEM
----------------------------------------
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM
----------
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a Bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't CARE.!!
Click to expand...
haaha this one is funny bro
 
gkainz said:
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Click to expand...
omgosh ahha lol this one
 
colomtnflyer said:
Is it Friday yet? Well, close enough!

Elaborate Funeral!

Sam died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen,
turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and
leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "$30,000."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."
Click to expand...
hahah damn i like this one
 
Half Fast said:
Requires an SI plus random testing at least twice monthly with HMIS AME oversight.
Click to expand...
Given that it's the major component of chemtrails, I would have expected that approving pilots with exposure to it would be more streamlined.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top