Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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Wait...what were YOU thinking?
 
The guy wakes up in the morning with a really bad hangover, walks into the kitchen and sees his wife all happy, humming a song and making a breakfast. She comes to him, kisses his cheek and goes back to what she was doing. The guy really confused, not remembering what happened last night, goes to his son's room. "What happened yesterday?" he asks. "Well", replies the son, "yesterday you came home, drunk as hell, puked in every room, took a leak in mom's closet, knocked over her favorite vase and broke it, but when we finally were able to put you to bed and mom was trying to remove your pants you started resisting and yelled "go away w****, I am married".
 
Not sure if I'll ever recover from this one.

My wife was hinting for a really nice anniversary present. She kept saying she wanted something shiny and fast ... something that would go from zero to 180 the moment she stepped on it!

I bought her a bathroom scale! :dunno:
 
A New York attorney representing his wealthy art collector client called his client and said, " Paul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

Paul replied, "I have had such an awful day. Please give me the good news first."

The attorney said, "Paul, I met with your wife today, and she invested $5000 in 2 pictures that she feels will be worth $15 to $20 million dollars, and I agree with her."

"That's great!" replied Paul. "She is such a savvy businesswoman! I feel much better now so give me the bad news, I can handle it."

"Well, the 2 pictures are of you with your secretary..."
 
I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.
 
Lycosaurus said:
I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.
Click to expand...
Well, see, there’s your problem…you trusted a landscaper. ;)
 
I folded some laundry, and was carrying it into the bedroom when I tripped. Nothing I could do except watch it unfold in front of me.
 
When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.
 
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