Someday you’ll go far. And I really hope you stay there.
Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah, that is now.
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
I’m busy right now, can I ignore you another time?
Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.
I wish I had a flip phone, so I could slam it shut on this conversation.
I’ve been called worse things by better men.
You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.
How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
Your face makes onions cry.
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you.
I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.
Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.
You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
I’m glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to your ego and jump to your IQ.
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Isn’t it dangerous to use your whole vocabulary in one sentence?
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
I would prefer a battle of wits, but you appear unarmed.
I’m jealous of all the people who haven’t met you.
I find the fact that you’ve lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
Somewhere, somehow, you are robbing a village of their idiot.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional.