Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

another, this one about non-traditional medicine.
Normally I would deflect criticisms of such posts by saying what is true for me; I can laugh at either side...but I shall skip it this time.
 
Mitchell and Webb are great! I like the one about Gordon Ramsay.:rofl:
 
If you don't think this is hilarious. I recommend a check of your Humor Fluid. You might be a quart short.
PS Adult theme, mild.
 

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For you guys that have wives that like to go on girls night out! Beware.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Subject: gotta pee!


At first I thought this was boring and really tasteless, but did read to the punch line, then it was funny!



Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

:smile: :smile: :smile: :smile:
 
Adult Language Warning:

Hey! I just did the "Cool Person Test", and of course, passed. I suspect all my friends are cool, so why don't you take the test too? Then, when you pass you can send the test on to your other friends to make sure they are cool as well!

I bet you are cool, too!
 
With apologies to Dave, and any other Citation pilots here...

The Citation is the only jet that has de-ice boots on the trailing edge for when they get overtaken by fast moving cold fronts.

:D
 
vontresc said:
With apologies to Dave, and any other Citation pilots here...

The Citation is the only jet that has de-ice boots on the trailing edge for when they get overtaken by fast moving cold fronts.

:D
Click to expand...
Hey! Deice boots, what are those? :idea:
 
Came across another good one today. Shamelessly stolen from the Purple board....

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK....

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I
looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status...

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?'




The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Irishman?

The Rolling Stones sang "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"... The Irishman says "Hey McCloud, get offa my ewe!"

:D :rofl:
 
THESE REALLY WORK!! AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
 
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn't.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.
 
Master Chief and the new guy...

Navy Chief & the new guy
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp now days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief." "


Okay, John, here's what I want you to do....."
 
I have a friend with a warped sense of humor...​
​
​
​

Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!​

​

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER​

​

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER​

​

DESPERATION:​
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT​

​

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE​

​

GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE​

​

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS​

​
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM​

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME​

​

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY​

​

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT​

​

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S​

​

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE​

​

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE​

​

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE​

​


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:​


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER​
 
Things got ya down? Well then, consider these... In a hospital's Intensive
Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at
about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the
doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super
natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred
around 11:00 A.M. Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few
minutes before 11:00 A.M. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited
outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all
about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy
objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00,
Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged
the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still having a bad day??? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after
the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the
wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day??? A woman came home to find her
husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with
some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are ya OK now? - No? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the
cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all
two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day??? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay
enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to
bits.

There now, feeling better?
 
If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat​
canned pork

because of

swine flu............


Ignore it. ​


It's just Spam.
 
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork, because of swine flu,, ignore it.



It's just Spam.
 
The wonderful thing about email spam is that you keep getting it over and over again in different forms.
 
AuntPeggy said:
The wonderful thing about email spam is that you keep getting it over and over again in different forms.
Click to expand...

When was the last time you got mail about Craig Shergold wanting to get into the Guinnes Book of World Records? Amazingly, people seem to be starting to catch on after only 18 years!!!
 
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. We live in an airpark community; I decided I was going to pull my airplane out of the hangar next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my twin-engine Baron, that I noticed oil dripping copiously from the right cowl. I'm near TBO; should I have my mechanic look at it, or just order a reman from the factory?

Worried Sick in Peoria
 
It's a little long, but well worth the read... :D

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
(Just try reading this -- without laughing until you cry!!! )

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshi?,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Mike Tyson ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
From a high school classmate's post on Facebook...

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
 
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.



An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"



The general answered both questions in the affirmative.



Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"



The general replied, "All indications point to China ."



Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General, we a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"


The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."




After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium asked, "Do we have enough Jews???"



 
The Black Bra (as told by a woman):

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged and one is a mistress. I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

"The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The mistress:

"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said:

























"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
 
My New Truck

.
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.​

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.​

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'​

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.​

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.​

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.​

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,






"Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States​

Damn I love this truck...​
 
Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV,
there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently many of the
terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.
 
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’
 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger..

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work..

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles..

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day....

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449...

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so
 
John Baker said:
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,






"Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States​


Damn I love this truck...​
Click to expand...
yeah, the 2001-2008 models would do that... they've fixed 'em now, though so that they'll respond:


"Ladies and Gentlemen,
The former President of The
United States..."
 
etsisk said:
yeah, the 2001-2008 models would do that... they've fixed 'em now, though so that they'll respond:

"Ladies and Gentlemen,
The former President of The United States..."
Click to expand...
so who comes up - Carter or Clinton? :nono:
 
gkainz said:
so who comes up - Carter or Clinton? :nono:
Click to expand...
This reminds me of something I read recently that's way too true to be funny.

American politics is a lot like the National Football League. The different teams have their own colors and fight songs. Everybody has a favorite team that they feel can do no wrong and will support win or lose. However, there is no fundamental difference between teams and the only real winners are the players with their outrageous salaries and benefit packages and the team owners who really rake it in.
 
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