Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!
- Thread starter Let'sgoflying!
- Start date
But the shuttle has landed at KCBM on the way home.
caption on nasa site says:Making final fuel stop of the trip at Columbus Air Force Base in Columbus, Mississippi
http://sm4.gsfc.nasa.gov/art/multimedia/postsm4/landcolumbusmiss.jpg
caption on nasa site says:Making final fuel stop of the trip at Columbus Air Force Base in Columbus, Mississippi
http://sm4.gsfc.nasa.gov/art/multimedia/postsm4/landcolumbusmiss.jpg
Last edited:
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Lawreston
En-Route
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Richard
Final Approach
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Ack...city life
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50."
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
I'm not saying customer service has deteriorated at my bank, but when I visited the branch yesterday and asked the teller if she could check my balance, she reached across the counter and shoved me.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why do you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because I know that the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why do you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because I know that the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
An American tourist had an affair with a married Italian man while she was in Venice. During her stay, she learned she was pregnant and told her lover. He promised to send her money for the child once it was born, and pay until the child graduated from college.
She asked "How will I let you know that the baby was born?"
He said "Just send me a postcard that says 'Spaghetti'. Nothing more. I will know, my wife will not."
About seven months later, the man arrived home to a query by his wife. "You got a postcard from the States, but I don't understand what it means... do you?"
She handed it to him, he read it, and promptly fainted.
The postcard simply read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
She asked "How will I let you know that the baby was born?"
He said "Just send me a postcard that says 'Spaghetti'. Nothing more. I will know, my wife will not."
About seven months later, the man arrived home to a query by his wife. "You got a postcard from the States, but I don't understand what it means... do you?"
She handed it to him, he read it, and promptly fainted.
The postcard simply read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
Was just watching old episodes of Wings we'd recorded off USA. Episode title "The Bogey Men", Antonio (the taxi driver, aka Monk in later life) is sitting there in the airport terminal and picks up a guitar.
Helen: "I didn't know you played the guitar, Antonio"
Antonio: "I only started a few months ago."
Helen: "Can you play us something?"
Antonio: "There is one American folk song I used to hear in Italy. For years, it was the only English I knew."
Helen: "Hmm, well, play that!"
Antonio: (strumming and humming "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" to get his beat and tone).
Helen, nodding in recognition of the melody, "Uh huh!"
Antonio: "My goat knows the bowling score, hallelujah... my goat knows the bowling score, hal-la-lu-u-ja..."
Helen, touching him on the knee... "Excuse me, I think it's 'Michael, row the boat ashore...'"
Antonio, after a long pause, in the tone of "no way!", says "Get out! Well, the meaning, it changes, right? OK, I try it your way."
Restarting the song...
"Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah." A person walks by and throws money in the guitar case, and Helen explains it's a tip--somebody liked his playing. Antonio kicks the guitar case by other seated waiting passengers and continues the song.
"Sid's new hair is in the mail, hallelujah....."
(should be "Sister, help to trim the sail...")
Helen: "I didn't know you played the guitar, Antonio"
Antonio: "I only started a few months ago."
Helen: "Can you play us something?"
Antonio: "There is one American folk song I used to hear in Italy. For years, it was the only English I knew."
Helen: "Hmm, well, play that!"
Antonio: (strumming and humming "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" to get his beat and tone).
Helen, nodding in recognition of the melody, "Uh huh!"
Antonio: "My goat knows the bowling score, hallelujah... my goat knows the bowling score, hal-la-lu-u-ja..."
Helen, touching him on the knee... "Excuse me, I think it's 'Michael, row the boat ashore...'"
Antonio, after a long pause, in the tone of "no way!", says "Get out! Well, the meaning, it changes, right? OK, I try it your way."
Restarting the song...
"Michael row the boat ashore, hallelujah." A person walks by and throws money in the guitar case, and Helen explains it's a tip--somebody liked his playing. Antonio kicks the guitar case by other seated waiting passengers and continues the song.
"Sid's new hair is in the mail, hallelujah....."
(should be "Sister, help to trim the sail...")
Last edited:
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."
colomtnflyer
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iAM in AK!
A Cold Winter Coming...
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Being a practical leader he got the idea to call the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Being a practical leader he got the idea to call the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
colomtnflyer
Cleared for Takeoff
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iAM in AK!
How to rope a deer...
Subject: HOW TO ROPE A DEER
...Names have been removed to protect the stupid !
Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer ' s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn ' t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can ' t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope it is so they can be somewhat equal to their Prey.
Subject: HOW TO ROPE A DEER
...Names have been removed to protect the stupid !
Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no
controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer ' s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn ' t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can ' t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope it is so they can be somewhat equal to their Prey.
Dave Siciliano
Final Approach
Abbott & Costello buying a computer:
========================================
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
========================================
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Dave Siciliano
Final Approach
Pilot walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices a very attractive lady standing alone and asks the bartender about her.
Bartender says don't waste your time; she's a lesbian.
Pilot grabs his drink, swaggers over and says: So, how are things in Beirut?
Bartender says don't waste your time; she's a lesbian.
Pilot grabs his drink, swaggers over and says: So, how are things in Beirut?
etsisk
En-Route
ok, that was great, Dave! 
Consider it stolen for the PB!
Consider it stolen for the PB!
John Baker
Final Approach
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2008
- Messages
- 7,471
- Location
- San Diego, California
- Display Name
Display name:
John Baker
Re: How to rope a deer...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNGGbozilko
=======================================================
John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNGGbozilko
=======================================================
John
Dave Siciliano
Final Approach
A leading toiletries company did a survey of former Congressman to see if they perferred sex in the shower: 86% and they did participate in sex in the shower; the other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
Best,
Dave
Best,
Dave
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
yes its old but a good one to repeat:
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a university chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (ga s cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,20then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a university chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (ga s cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,20then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
In a similar vein, the Physics 101 final from that year had a question of how to use a barometer to measure the height of the physics building on campus.
Most of the correct answers said to measure the pressure difference at the top and bottom of the building and calculate the height as pressure difference in in Hg/1000 to give height in feet.
The same smart ass who got the A+ on his Chemistry exam said:
Well we could estimate the height by measuring the pressure difference at the top and bottom but a must more accurate estimate would be available if you had a watch and went to the top and timed how long it took the barometer to fall to the ground and ignoring air friction which would be minimal calculate distance in feet as sqrt(t)/16.
However the most accurate way would be to go to the building engineer and say "Sir, I will give you this fine barometer if you let me look at the building's architectural drawings"
He aced that one too.
Most of the correct answers said to measure the pressure difference at the top and bottom of the building and calculate the height as pressure difference in in Hg/1000 to give height in feet.
The same smart ass who got the A+ on his Chemistry exam said:
Well we could estimate the height by measuring the pressure difference at the top and bottom but a must more accurate estimate would be available if you had a watch and went to the top and timed how long it took the barometer to fall to the ground and ignoring air friction which would be minimal calculate distance in feet as sqrt(t)/16.
However the most accurate way would be to go to the building engineer and say "Sir, I will give you this fine barometer if you let me look at the building's architectural drawings"
He aced that one too.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
I've always loved this one; think it would have been insanely funny if the student got an F because he didn't realize that Teresa was the professor's daughter.
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
Best Christmas Decoration Ever
"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.."
"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days.. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.."
Attachments
Areeda
Pattern Altitude
I don't think this has shown up here yet.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?
Tiger Woods can drive the golf ball 400 yards.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?
Tiger Woods can drive the golf ball 400 yards.
Dean
Pattern Altitude
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.”
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate..
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pi$$ing and moaning.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate..
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pi$$ing and moaning.
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter..
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us...
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us...
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Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
ya, thanks for pointing out we have the market on idiots cornered there in Canada, Troy!
TangoWhiskey
Touchdown! Greaser!
ya, thanks for pointing out we have the market on idiots cornered there in Canada, Troy!
Doh!!! I'm a hoser, I am! I didn't even notice the locations, eh! Copied & pasted from email received from my father-in-law. No offense intended, will edit!
Last edited:
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
no offense taken! Leave as is!!
Dave Siciliano
Final Approach
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe
Touchdown! Greaser!
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2008
- Messages
- 16,025
- Location
- DXO124009
- Display Name
Display name:
Light and Sporty Guy
The guy who sits over the partition from me came over to see what I was laughing at.
gkainz
Final Approach
gkainz
Final Approach
Do you know why Animal Rights activists pick on women wearing fur?
Because bikers wearing leather would kick their a$$es ...
Because bikers wearing leather would kick their a$$es ...
Ghery
Touchdown! Greaser!
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2005
- Messages
- 10,944
- Location
- Olympia, Washington
- Display Name
Display name:
Ghery Pettit
That's just wrong. Funny, but wrong. Good thing nobody is sitting near me. They'd have to see why I'm cracking up.
Dave Siciliano
Final Approach
It's that time of year again. The dreaded seven reindeer go-around at max. gross!
Best,
Dave
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun. “What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
Best,
Dave
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun. “What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
==========================.
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gasper, Balthazar and Herb
went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto
him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because
the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
"if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the
size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but
when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of
the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with
a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch
tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like
many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a
gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Don't forget to laugh during this Christmas season,
and to my knowledge one of the wise men was not named Herb.
==========================.
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas when the Three Wise Men: Gasper, Balthazar and Herb
went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto
him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because
the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
"if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the
person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the
size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but
when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of
the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with
a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the
lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch
tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like
many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a
gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Don't forget to laugh during this Christmas season,
and to my knowledge one of the wise men was not named Herb.
Let'sgoflying!
Touchdown! Greaser!
Sort of a joke, I guess. A really big snake, anyway.
