Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Happy Halloween!
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Sent from my motorola edge 5G UW (2021) using Tapatalk
 
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GOD: .... Hey Adam , here is a list of options available regarding your private parts .
Which ones would you like ?

ADAM
1 - I want external plumbing
2 - I want to pee standing up
3 - I want to direct the flow wherever I want
4 - I don't want to use tissues
5 - I want it to vary in size from compact to monstrous
6 - I want it to be a reflection of my manhood
7 - I want it connected to my brain so I can think with my dink

GOD: .... Its yours

.............................................

GOD: .... Eve , do you have any requests ?

EVE: .... Yes ....... Multiple Orgasms

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CharlieD3 said:
"Press the left L" technical support...
(A story for another day)
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From when you had to talk to tech support on the phone.



Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
CS: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"
CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."
CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: ".......Yes, it is."
CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: ".......Okay, here it is."
CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
C: I can't reach."
CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."
CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS: "Dark?"
C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
CS: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
luvflyin said:
That's supposedly a true a true story and yeah, they fired the guy. Start rehearsing your take this job and shove it speech. Make it joke day worthy
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I used to work with one of the most genteel, kind scientists I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Never had an unkind or profane word for anyone no matter the circumstances. Incredibly innovative, he had more patents than anyone in the research division. And he had no interest in self promotion. He was passed over again and again for advancement while less talented political hacks climbed the corporate ladder over him. It wasn't fair, though it never seemed to bother him. Especially as he approached retirement age. Those of us who knew him well knew he had a date in mind, and had been working towards and looking forward to his retirement date. And then the date came, and went, with no fanfare, with the kind gentleman still toiling away in the lab.

I finally asked him why he hadn't retired--certainly the company hadn't been good to him; he owed them nothing more, and he was certainly able to retire.

He smiled, with the most peaceful, contented expression, and said "It's funny; once you reach the point where you know you can retire, it's like every additional day you come to work you know you have your thumb on the 'F*ck You!' button. You can do the parts of the job you can enjoy, ignore the rest of it, secure in the knowledge that if management again does something to **** you off, you can punch out right on the spot."

It was hysterically out of character, and also pretty good advice.

My thumb will be on the button starting next May.
 
GaryM said:
I used to work with one of the most genteel, kind scientists I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Never had an unkind or profane word for anyone no matter the circumstances. Incredibly innovative, he had more patents than anyone in the research division. And he had no interest in self promotion. He was passed over again and again for advancement while less talented political hacks climbed the corporate ladder over him. It wasn't fair, though it never seemed to bother him. Especially as he approached retirement age. Those of us who knew him well knew he had a date in mind, and had been working towards and looking forward to his retirement date. And then the date came, and went, with no fanfare, with the kind gentleman still toiling away in the lab.

I finally asked him why he hadn't retired--certainly the company hadn't been good to him; he owed them nothing more, and he was certainly able to retire.

He smiled, with the most peaceful, contented expression, and said "It's funny; once you reach the point where you know you can retire, it's like every additional day you come to work you know you have your thumb on the 'F*ck You!' button. You can do the parts of the job you can enjoy, ignore the rest of it, secure in the knowledge that if management again does something to **** you off, you can punch out right on the spot."

It was hysterically out of character, and also pretty good advice.

My thumb will be on the button starting next May.
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I have set a date of April 23.
 
GaryM said:
I used to work with one of the most genteel, kind scientists I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Never had an unkind or profane word for anyone no matter the circumstances. Incredibly innovative, he had more patents than anyone in the research division. And he had no interest in self promotion. He was passed over again and again for advancement while less talented political hacks climbed the corporate ladder over him. It wasn't fair, though it never seemed to bother him. Especially as he approached retirement age. Those of us who knew him well knew he had a date in mind, and had been working towards and looking forward to his retirement date. And then the date came, and went, with no fanfare, with the kind gentleman still toiling away in the lab.

I finally asked him why he hadn't retired--certainly the company hadn't been good to him; he owed them nothing more, and he was certainly able to retire.

He smiled, with the most peaceful, contented expression, and said "It's funny; once you reach the point where you know you can retire, it's like every additional day you come to work you know you have your thumb on the 'F*ck You!' button. You can do the parts of the job you can enjoy, ignore the rest of it, secure in the knowledge that if management again does something to **** you off, you can punch out right on the spot."

It was hysterically out of character, and also pretty good advice.

My thumb will be on the button starting next May.
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My GAS (give a poop) Quotient went down, way down when the decision was made and my numbers guy said I was good. Even then, I stuck around another 4-5 months for my own convenience.
 
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GaryM said:
He smiled, with the most peaceful, contented expression, and said "It's funny; once you reach the point where you know you can retire, it's like every additional day you come to work you know you have your thumb on the 'F*ck You!' button. You can do the parts of the job you can enjoy, ignore the rest of it, secure in the knowledge that if management again does something to **** you off, you can punch out right on the spot."
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Exactly!

My last couple of years at work were lots of fun, mostly because I know longer had to give a flip if my bosses were happy with me or not. I told my boss my retirement was TBD: Two Bad Days. I did what I considered right for my employees, blew the department budget out of the water, initiated projects I thought necessary without a “mother-May-I,” etc. I received so many kudos, including having much of what I was doing adopted corporate wide, that my immediate VP mostly gave up trying to chastise me.

Work can be a blast once you no longer need the money and your give-a-damn gland stops functioning.

:D
 
Dana said:
My thumb isn't on the button quite yet, but it's getting within reach.
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My thumb is right beside the button, and in a few months should be squarely on the button. Once it is, if the guano gets too deep, EJECT!
 
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