Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

(stolen from my band director years and years and years ago...and he probably stole it from someone else))

There was a band director who was notorious for being quickly and completely infuriated by mistakes by members of his band, small mistakes, big mistakes, any mistakes.

One day a trombonist made yet another early entrance. Enraged, the director threw his baton at the trombonist, striking him in the heart, killing him instantly.

The director was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by the electric chair.

For his last meal, the director only requested a banana. He ate his banana and then was strapped in. The executioner pulled the switch and... nothing happened.

Well, it would be cruel and inhumane to pull the switch multiple times, so the band director was released.

After some time, the band director had a new gig and, sure enough, a mistake was made, he went off the deep end, threw his baton, killing yet another musician.

Once again, the director was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by the electric chair.

And again, the director only requested a banana for his last meal. He ate his banana and was strapped in. The executioner pulled the switch and... again nothing happened. And so he was released.

A third time (you knew there had to be a third time), the band director gets yet another gig. Of course, a mistake was made, he goes off the deep end, throws his baton, killing yet another musician.

Once again, the director was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed by the electric chair.

And again, the director only requested a banana for his last meal. He ate his banana and was strapped in. The executioner pulled the switch and... nothing happened.

This time the executioner simply had to know, so he asked the band director "What is it about the banana that protects you from being electrocuted?"

The band director replied "Banana? nothing, I'm just a bad conductor"
 
That same bad, temperamental conductor was know to have a special dislike for percussionists. In one rehearsal, he screamed at the musician playing snare drum.. "You are terrible! I could hand two sticks to anyone in the orchestra and make them a snare drummer instantly! ".

The drummer muttered under his breath, " yeah, and I could take away one of those sticks and have a better conductor...."
 
FormerHangie said:
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For those who haven't had Pho, it's pronounced "Fuh". I've seen a couple of restaurants with this name.

And no, I don't believe the owner's name is Kim Long.
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There's a local restaurant here called Pho King... :rofl:
 
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Alt Text: "(c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]"

I figure it's what, about 10 years until we see @Ted DuPuis's kids here?
 
bluesky74656 said:
I figure it's what, about 10 years until we see @Ted DuPuis's kids here?
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That'll be funny if it happens. If they really wanted to go back on those sorts of discussions, they'd have to join the Jaguar forum (in those days it was an eMail list!) that I joined probably 20 years ago when I was in high school.

Actually, I don't think I complained much about my mom in those days on the interwebz. Given that the others on the forum were mostly adults (my current age or older) they were the types who would've defended her anyway. And to be fair, she was tolerant (or dumb) enough of a parent by that point to support her teenage male son buying a nearly 20 year old Jaguar with a V12 and rear wheel drive as his first car. :)

And that right there will be exactly it. "DAD!!! The Jag F-type Rs are CHEAP! And only 500 HP! And they have safety features unlike your first car!"
 
Really ??
 

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The Newfoundland Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help.
An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.


GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board.
I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night
so he can cope with life.
Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
 
Couldn't bear to leave the phone number on it... Oh, and apparently he's out of square "bails"
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An elderly gentleman goes to the dentist complaining of a toothache. The young female dentist takes a look at it, gets and X-ray, and says, "Sorry Sir, it's too far gone. There's nothing I can do, it's going to have to come out."

She starts to prepare an injection of benzocaine, and the patient says, "What are you doing?" She says, "Well Sir, you're going to need something for pain, so I'm going to give you an injection." He says, "Oh no, I'm afraid of needles, I can't take a shot."

So she reaches for the gas mask, and he says, "What are you doing now?" She says, "Well I'm going to give you some gas for the pain." He says, "Oh no, I'm claustrophobic, I can't do the mask."

So she ask him, "Sir can you take pills?" He replies, "Oh yes, I can take pills all day long, no problems." So she gives him 2 small blue pills and says, "Take these, they're Viagra!"

He says, "Viagra? I didn't know Viagra was a pain killer?" She said, "It's not, but you're going to need something to hold onto when I yank this tooth out."
 
Alaska Retirement

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
 
My wife came in to see why I was laughing so much. Now you got both of us going.
 
An elderly pilot had serious hearing problems and his AME said he would have to get some amplification. The pilot went to his ENT doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 
A.I. upscaled version of that image:

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