Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

And now....

Drum roll please..................






The 5000th reply!

*ba dum tsssss*
 
Hawker800 said:
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Click to expand...


Anyone call the number.??
 
A man decides to give his wife a break and do the the laundry.

He begins to load the clothes and realizes he is in over his head. All the settings on the washer confuse him and he is forced to ask for help.

"Honey, what setting do I use for my sweatshirt?" He cries out in desperation.

"What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Texas!"
 
missed it by "..." that much.
 

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oh come on ... lighten up! This IS a JOKE thread after all. It made you chuckle just a little, didn't it? :D
 
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft.
Both are wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin.
But the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property.
Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit,
one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
 
deonb said:
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft.
Both are wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin.
But the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property.
Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit,
one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
Click to expand...
Were they at Jacksonville Yesterday?
 
Most people know a "New York Minute' is a short period of time. Example: The time between the light turning green and the guy behind you honking his horn.

Now there's also a "Florida Minute." It's the extremely short time between the start of a conversation and when it turns to medical issues you're having.

Florida - Heaven's Waiting Room
 
A Monday morning funny:

I thought this might put a smile on a few faces this morning.

An article from one of the "wannabe journalism sites" (Engadget) came across my newsfeed yesterday evening. It was written by their SENIOR editor. The headline: "After Math: Goodbye, Grumpy Cat"

It was almost worth creating an Engadget account so I could comment "Before English: writing articles for Engadget."

And this coming from a guy who often jokes "English is my second language, too bad I don't have a first."

;-)

Have a good day!
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 
When you get onboard an airliner and want to subtly announce to everyone that you’re a pilot.

Bonus points to anyone who can spot the subliminal message in this picture.

E1F7912A-9081-4CF7-9C52-0FE75728C523.jpeg
 
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Source: Peter Dickinson
 
Guy gets his haircut at a barbershop that has three barbers. Every time he goes in for a haircut, the other barbers, take off and say they are going to lunch. This happens every time he gets a haircut regardless of which barber is cutting his hair. The guy thinks it's odd because he gets his haircut at different times during the day and why would two barbers always leave together? So he asks his friend to follow him to the barbershop and wait in his car outside. When the barbers leave, he asks his friend to follow them and see where they go. His buddy does that and the guy says "Well, where did they go?" His buddy replies "Your house!"
 
Not a joke, this is real:

Dodge City, KS may have all the amenities as any other US city, but it has one that few others may have, a scenic overlook of a feedlot.

Feedlots in that part of the world are pretty easy to find. You go until you smell it, then turn until you step in it.

But a “scenic overlook” took some originality.

Here’s one of the TripAdvisor top reviews

>>>
Creme de la Creme of Cattle Overlooks!

Believe me, this is by far and away the best cattle overlook I have ever seen in my life and I've seen them ALL, from the huge holding lots of Omaha, down to Fort Worth, from Fresno to Calgary, and all points in between. If methane clouds and atmosphere thick with particulate are your thing, this is YOUR place: a steak lover's dream and what must be the single largest source of bovine flatulence west of the Mississippi! Don't miss it, you'll regret it the rest of your days.

<<<
 
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