Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Matthew said:
You give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. You can push a man out of an airplane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
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If you build a man a fire, he'll be warm for just one night. But if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
 
A Sunday school teacher was telling a class of 4 year olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the lesson the kids were asked to draw a picture depicting their favorite part of the story. The teacher received pictures of the baby Jesus in the manger surrounded by animals, pictures of the three wise men and the like.

One drawing puzzled her. It was a picture of an airplane with four people in it. She called the artist up to explain the picture. He pointed out Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus, and said this was their ''flight'' to Egypt. The teacher then asked about the other man in the plane.

"Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot...."
 
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A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
 
Half Fast said:
First it was stealing silverware, china, and paintings from the White House.

Now, somewhere in America, a Motel 6 is missing a shower curtain.


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The sad thing is. That ‘gown’ or whatever you want to call it, is probably thousands of dollars.

<sigh>
 
My little brother could solve a Rubik's cube in less than a minute. Myself...still can't figure it out.
 
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back into his head. His friend pulls out his phone and calls 911. He tells the operator he thinks his friend is dead. The operator, in a calm voice tells him in to taker it easy I can help you. First let's make sure he's dead. There is silence and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the line and says ok now what?
 
Two guys are out hunting when one of them gets bit right on his johnson by a rattle snake. His buddies says I have a snake bit kit with instruction back at the truck. On the way back from the truck he is reading the instructions. First cut between the bite holes, second suck the venom out.
When he gets back his buddy is writhing in pain and asks what the book says.
Wells it says here you are going to die.
 
Two guys are out duck hunting. They've been out for hours and haven't gotten a bird. One guys asks, "What do you figure we're doing wrong?" The other guy says, "Beats me, maybe we aren't throwing the dogs high enough?"
 
Three old biddies are setting o a park bench, along comes a flasher, the first two have a stroke, the third just watched.
 
1RTK1 said:
Two guys are out hunting when one of them gets bit right on his johnson by a rattle snake. His buddies says I have a snake bit kit with instruction back at the truck. On the way back from the truck he is reading the instructions. First cut between the bite holes, second suck the venom out.
When he gets back his buddy is writhing in pain and asks what the book says.
Wells it says here you are going to die.
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When I was growing up this was the Lone Ranger and Tonto. Lone Ranger: "What did the doctor say?" Tonto: "He said, you're going to die Kemosabe."
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and asks, "Kemosabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What's that tell you?", asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"Someone has stolen tent."
 
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