Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Guy walks into a dentist's office, and says to the dentist "Doc, I think I'm a moth!"

The Dentist says "Well you need a psychiatrist, not a dentist....why'd you come in here?"

"Your light was on."
 
wayne said:
My Dad used to joke that he was 12 years old before he realized "damn yankee" was two words.
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When I first met my future mother-in-law many years ago (a true South Carolina belle), she asked about my family. My mom's side is North Carolina, my dad's side is Florida. I told her I was 12 before I learned "damn" and "yankee" were two different words. She looked me straight in the eyes, gave me a cold hard glare, and said "They aren't!"
 
My dads side of the family didn't ever celebrate the Fourth of July when I was a kid.
 
mscard88 said:
I'll bite. Why? o_O
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Vicksburg fell on 04July1863. Some of my relatives were there at the time.

I never met my dads parents but I was told they were dead set against anyone holding any type of celebration on the Fourth of July. Fortunately I was born and raised in Texas so I was at least able to play with fire crackers.

3-rare-firecracker-boxes-cherry-bomb-m-80-s_1_ecbc851ba3bf2df44af744b119d0cb91.jpg
 
Zeldman said:
My dads side of the family didn't ever celebrate the Fourth of July when I was a kid.
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I figured it was because you were from the UK.

I was talking with a Brit several years ago and said I'd take care of something after the holiday (July 4) weekend. He had to think about it, then said, "we've never celebrated that."
 
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Years ago flying with a British FO we were discussing something, and he looked over at me and replied, " ****ing Colonist"! I think I laughed for 15 minutes, it was a great comeback.
 
mscard88 said:
Years ago flying with a British FO we were discussing something, and he looked over at me and replied, " ****ing Colonist"! I think I laughed for 15 minutes, it was a great comeback.
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A doctor Was Addressing A Large Audience In Oxford:

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 73-year-old man in the front
row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".
 
For everyone who is offended by political posts, religious posts, sexual posts, high-wing posts, low-wing posts, necro-posts, ATITPPA posts, with-you posts,....

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(Maybe this should be a sticky... :) )
 
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Half Fast said:
For everyone who is offended by political posts, religious posts, sexual posts, high-wing posts, low-wing posts, necro-posts, AITTPPA posts, with-you posts,....

View attachment 65894

(Maybe this should be a sticky... :) )
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Post reported, very offensive graphic.
 
Half Fast said:
For everyone who is offended by political posts, religious posts, sexual posts, high-wing posts, low-wing posts, necro-posts, ATITPPA posts, with-you posts,....

View attachment 65894

(Maybe this should be a sticky... :) )
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paging @timwinters , although I think he's actually the guy in the comic strip on the left with the green shirt, I-don't-know-what-color pants, and 1970's porn disgustache.
 
eman1200 said:
paging @timwinters , although I think he's actually the guy in the comic strip on the left with the green shirt, I-don't-know-what-color pants, and 1970's porn disgustache.
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This is just tooooooo funny. I've never before seen small man's syndrome manifest itself so overtly on a pilots' website as it has here with eman and ravioli. Both of them have been like little chihuahuas nipping at the heels of a German Shepherd. And they don't fully comprehend how fortunate they are that the Shepherd is so laid back.

If I ever see them at a fly-in together I might just have to offer each of them one free swing. Better yet, I might suggest that one stand on the other's shoulders so they can hit me above the kneecap.
 
GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee
so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had
a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that
his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''
 
Finally, it was Ned the Mailman’s last day.

As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house, he received a box of fine cigars.

But at the next house, he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad, passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn't mind.

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hash browns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything...but…what’s the dollar for?”

“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!"
 
My girlfriend asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

So he and I went out and had a few drinks. Great guy. He wants me to be his web developer.
 
My girlfriend went to her hairdresser for a trim.

The hairdresser took off too much hair and now my girlfriend won't stop crying.

I told her "what are you crying for, I'm the one that's got to start looking for a new girlfriend!"
 
911 Operator: "911 What's your emergency?"
Caller: "My wife just collapsed on the sidewalk. I need an ambulance."
911 Operator: "What's your location?"
Caller: "We're in front of 1324 Eucalyptus St."
911 Operator: "How do you spell that?"
Caller: ".....Ah.......Look... I'll drag her over to Oak St. and you can pick her up there."
 
upstateny said:
911 Operator: "911 What's your emergency?"
Caller: "My wife just collapsed on the sidewalk. I need an ambulance."
911 Operator: "What's your location?"
Caller: "We're in front of 1324 Eucalyptus St."
911 Operator: "How do you spell that?"
Caller: ".....Ah.......Look... I'll drag her over to Oak St. and you can pick her up there."
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