Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

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Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"
 
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Well, fluc you white people too!"
 
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the teenager came to the door to collect her money
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
There once was a man from Cahoot,

He had warts all over his root,

He put acid on these,

And now, when he pees,

He fingers his root like a flute!
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since
her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to
Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you d@*#a*!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
 
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."
 
Train Journey
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and
never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and
comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do, to
live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express
her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He
will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful
woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No, wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that...

Never mind.
 
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.
After a while, the doctor comes out and says,
"I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said,
"Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
 
Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he
does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car
to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many
times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.
I know this because he brags about
this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks
the most expensive liquor day and night. We sleep in
separate beds because he tells me he knows I`m a lesbian and
besides that, my varicose veins and fat behind turns
him off.

Should I clobber him with something heavy, or should I just
leave him ? Your advice would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell,

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man.
I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t
resort to violence and try to act more like a lady.
Remember, you were almost elected President of the United
States, so try acting like one.
 
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"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style?

"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400.

"No," she says.

So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to Do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something
perverted and disgusting.
But that was OK. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."


 
Health Alert for Men

If you are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says "Made in USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections!
 
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