Final Arrangements

CharlieD3 said:
Bus company will pay for my disposal. Won't be my fault.
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Uh, ok. What if you got hit by lightning and fell off a cliff and nothing usable remained? What becomes of your donation to science then?
 
All usable organs donated. Cremate the rest. No one gets to keep any of my remains, crematory to dispose. No funeral or visitation. At some point in the future when appropriate, everyone can gather up, have a beer and talk about how much of an a$$ i was. Money put aside and it’s in my will.
 
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Ryanb said:
They say the only thing certain in life is death and taxes. I know this is a morbid subject, so I apologize in advance.

My brother-in-law’s father passed away recently. He was a man who I always felt to be a third grandfather to me. After experiencing some health complications, he ended up passing with cancer and I still haven’t processed the fact that he’s gone. So many good times were had together over the years and it’s hard for me to accept the fact.

Nonetheless, both of my BIL’s parents are gone now, so he recently started thinking about end of life arrangements. Both of his parents and grandparents are resting in the same cemetery, so he decided that he needed to think about pre-planning. He wants to be in the same area as his family, so he bought two plots, one for him and one for my sister.

He later called and spoke to my parents and told them space was limited and asked if they’d also like a few plots next to them. So, after some consideration, my parents bought four plots all next to each other. This past weekend, my grandparents came down to visit from out of state and dad wanted to drive over and show them the plots he bought. I find it rather morbid, but I suppose it’s something that will have to be thought about at some point in time and that it’s nice to have this already taken care of, but it also seems a bit pre-mature.

Has anyone else pre-planned for their final arrangements or been down this road with a family member?
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My father did the Neptune Society. I haven’t pre arranged anything but you got me thinking maybe I should. My take on it is whatever is easiest for those who got to deal with it. I’ve given my wife and kids some ideas, all involve cremation. One is have a Big Lebowski party. Put me in Folgers can, put it on a chair with a beer and watch the movie. Dig a hole, put the ashes in and plant a tree on me. There ‘s others. The point is have fun. Maybe I’ll run it by them and see if they’d rather I just do something like the Neptune Society where they don’t have to do nothing but call, say I’ve croaked, give them a death certificate (or is that license) and let them take care of the whole thing.
 
+1 for pre-planning.

When my father died when I was 9 years old, my mother bought 3 plots; one for him, one for her, and one for me “just in case.” Yikes, that’s a terrible thought for a 9 yr old to contemplate.

Fast forward 34 years to my mother’s EOL. She had told us repeatedly over the years “there’s a notebook up there (pointing to cabinet), and everything is taken care of.” The night before she died, after she had gone into hospice and was heavily sedated, my sister and I pulled out the notebook and started going through it. Sure enough, everything was planned. The preacher was ID’d, the backup preacher, the music guy, the backup music guy, the pall bearers, the songs, her obituary/eulogy, and the photo to be published with the obituary. When to close the casket. Not to be buried with her glasses on. (“I don’t sleep with my glasses on; why would I want to be buried with them on?“) how to engrave head stone. And the 800 number of the funeral home to call.

She died the next morning. We made the one phone call to the funeral home. We wrote one check...for the cost of transporting her back to our home town where the funeral would be; everything else already paid for. It was SOOOO easy.

So preplanned/prepaid arrangements best; if not that, then at least clearly convey your wishes to those who will be stuck. And nothing wrong with the minimalist approach described by many above; I’m starting to lean that way myself.

And if you need an oak tree-shaded solo plot next to a nice couple from the greatest generation and near the approach end of 14 at SSF, PM me; it’s still unused....
 
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Yep. Mom bought 2 plots maybe 30 years ago, before they divorced. A little over a year ago, she was dropped in a transfer and started her last month. As a family, she told us her wishes many times, over many years while she was still cognizant, so very similar to Van’s post above.

That last month have us time to start the grieving process while completing the details.

Biggest lesson learned: discounts apply when you complete the arrangements for the funeral/celebration of life, grave stone, etc., before the deadly beloved departs.

Some states (ours) have a secondary market for plots. The market rate can be much less than what buying the plot from the cemetery costs.

Also, you’d be surprised what it costs just to walk in the door at a funeral home. We were advised her arrangements were very reasonable, since we already had the plot. Otherwise, we were told to expect $25K for a minimum post-death, no-plot funeral and burial.
 
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They usually pay for disposal and delivery of the cremains.
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Actually, they send the remains back. My father-in-law donated his body to the local med school. He said that was the only way he would get to go there. We just assumed that was the end of it until about a year later when his cremains showed up in the mail. My mother-in-law then promptly lost them. We later found them under the buffet in the dining room. They remained in my hall closet until she passed and then my sister-in-law "gift wrapped" the box and tucked it into mom's casket.
 
When each of my parents died, they were cremated and then we ultimately scattered their remain in the Gulf. I've told my wife and daughters that after I die, I want my remains cremated and when they feel the time is right, I want them to take the remains on a road trip. Drive up past the marina where we keep our boat, past the hang gliding launch, and the Road Atlanta racetrack. After that, head south to Daytona, past the speedway and find a nice place to stay on the beach, and charter a boat to scatter my remains in the Atlantic.

When my father died, he was 63 and it was a shock, he died suddenly of heart disease, which had never been diagnosed. My mother, on the other hand lived to be 86. She had a stroke at 83 and partially recovered, and was in good health until the last six months of her life, when she began declining rapidly. Honestly, when she died it was more of a relief that a tragedy, because she was struggling so much.

With my dad, it was hard to grasp that he was gone at first, and neither my sister nor myself were in any mood for a funeral. We held onto his remains for over a year before scattering them. I can tell you that if your gut has still not totally accepted that your loved one has died, watching those remains stink to the bottom of the sea will remove all doubt.

I know we're all pilots here, and we might want to be scattered from an airplane, but the boat works better for your family. In both cases we stopped and had a remembrance before the remains were committed to the water, and you can't do that in an airplane.

A couple of months ago, a family we knew that had teenage children lost both parents within a month, one from cancer and one from an aneurysm. My wife got on my about putting together our financial situation into a document, which I did. Also, I keep all my passwords in a password manager and she has the master password as well.
 
When I was young and stupid, I thought it would be cool to be freeze-dried and powdered, then distributed into a million McDonald's hamburgers. That way, everyone could "Eat Me."

Now that I am a veteran, I choose to be buried in my local Veteran's Cemetery. With honors...
 
IK04 said:
When I was young and stupid, I thought it would be cool to be freeze-dried and powdered, then distributed into a million McDonald's hamburgers. That way, everyone could "Eat Me."

Now that I am a veteran, I choose to be buried in my local Veteran's Cemetery. With honors...
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Why not both?! ;)

Modern problems require modern solutions! :)
 
Unfortunately my father didn’t plan at all although he had cancer for almost two years for which there is no known effective treatment. And he failed to appreciate that funerals are not for the dead, but for the living. So, almost 2 years to the day of his initial diagnosis he dies. No funeral plans, nothing. So stepmom has him cremated and then spilt his ashes into two parts. Part A were spread by the CAF Rocky Mountain squadron in Grand Junction out of their TBM. She calls me about a month later and tells me I need to arrange for interment of the Part B ashes with my Mom who is buried at the Willamette National Cemetery in Portland and wants a full funeral service. So I dutifully managed to make the arrangements including calling in some old favors for a live honor guard since he was a Korean era vet (Air Force). By the way for you vets, getting live honor guards is getting increasingly difficult. Some cemeteries have a cadre of military retirees who provide the service, but in a lot of places, you get a CD and a flag. Since my father was unchurched, no pastor. So I got a funeral script from several pastor friends and conducted the service myself. The unfortunate part was none of my siblings could attend, but there was a large turn out of his former squadron members who lived in the Portland area. So now, I am planning mine and making the arrangements with the state veterans cemetery, etc. Do not put your arrangements in a will; in most states, a will is an inchoate document that only is effective upon admission to probate. Your gonna be dead for a long time before that happens, if it happens at all. Leave letters of instruction or make the arrangements while you are living.
 
I am sorry for your loss...

There is another little known option and that is natural burial and what I have decided I would like... I find great peace in it. There are natural burial cemeteries in every state. No toxic chemicals to pollute the earth, and the concept of creamstion bothers me (not for anyone else- but for me it’s unsettling)

In natural burial you are buried in a linen, whicker, cardboard or other easily biodegradable casket... your body returns to the earth in weeks like what’s gone on for millennia... my remains will re-enter the life cycle... I find non-religious comforting spirituality in that. If my kids want a stone fine- if not no need to do it “for me”. My body will return to our earth I’d rather have my kids spend an afternoon enjoying the beauty of her than visiting a stone with my name on it, that the truth is being a generation and a half there will be no one to visit it anyway or know who the hell I was...

Certainly not judging any way of doing it, just sharing what I found and the peace it has brought me in thinking of that eventual cost of living...
 
My good buddy's Mom was "planted" in a small container that surrounded the roots of a tiny tree. The idea behind it is that her remains will feed the tree and become part of the adult tree. Since the tree is growing in plain sight, no marker or headstone is needed.

It sounded weird to both of us, but it kept the cost down and seemed like a nice way to be remembered.
 
weilke said:
They also had a part about a gentleman with cancer who chose to go on his own terms under Californias 'death with dignity law'. Invited his friends to a celebration of life with videos and slideshow accompanied by adult beverages. When someone asked him 'so how much time do you have?' his answer was 'Tuesday 10am'. And that's what happened . With his wife and his kids on his side, he took a cup full of dissolved narcotics, fell asleep and was gone. His kids placed him into a pine casket he had built as a last carpentry project with one of his sons.
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That’s sounds horrible.
 
asicer said:
Uh, ok. What if you got hit by lightning and fell off a cliff and nothing usable remained? What becomes of your donation to science then?
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By the time they find me, nothing will be left...
 
Cooter said:
That’s sounds horrible.
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Honestly why? It was only my great-grandfather’s generation who might be able to find a funeral home within a few hundred miles on horseback of anywhere my families lived that would even have pre-made caskets.

Making caskets for family members, was pretty normal.

The pretty/fancy things were for the city folk until commercialization and easy truck shipping came along. That was my grandfather’s generation.

I suspect even my grandfather helped make the one for his nine year old sister during the Great Depression. Two people ago, as they say.
 
CharlieD3 said:
Cremate me... I have no need for this body in heaven.

To avoid the expense, you can donate your body to science at the nearest medical University... They usually pay for disposal and delivery of the cremains.

I'm spending all I got on flying...

If the heaven comment triggers you, I'm sorry. That's what I believe...YMMV.
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Exactly my plan. Harvest anything useful, make jokes about me in some med school lab, throw what’s left to the fishies. I (like my parents) have no interest in wasting real estate for my dead husk.

Zeldman said:
I sometimes worry about my mom. She is 87, turning 88 next month. She is the oldest living family member right now. She has outlived all others in the family from her generation.

I can't help to think that all her family and friends are in heaven thinking....''I wonder where Evelyn went.??''

For myself, I am working on a video funeral. I will be sitting there on the giant screen, looking into the camera, greeting people as they walk in until it is time to start. Then I will say, ''Ok folks, find a seat, we are about to start. I know most of you here are Southern Baptist so there is a lot of food to eat after the service, so the quicker we start the quicker we get to the food.''

I'll spend a few minutes going over my life, and talk about a few people that had a positive impact on my life, and some of the things I did. There will be some pictures in the video of things I did in my life. Then I'll talk about my wife.

There will be a pause for the preacher to speak, then time for a couple songs. At the end I will thank everyone for coming, then I will climb into a race car and make a few high speed passes, then I'll park the car and climb into a plane. I'll do a couple low passes, then one last pass and climb into the sky towards the setting sun, while the song "I'm Walking On Sunshine" is blasting out the speakers.

Then as my casket is being wheeled out, the song, "Don't You Forget About Me'' will be playing.....

Copies of the video on CD will be sold in the lobby.....
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I like your style...
 
denverpilot said:
Honestly why? It was only my great-grandfather’s generation who might be able to find a funeral home within a few hundred miles on horseback of anywhere my families lived that would even have pre-made caskets.

Making caskets for family members, was pretty normal.

The pretty/fancy things were for the city folk until commercialization and easy truck shipping came along. That was my grandfather’s generation.

I suspect even my grandfather helped make the one for his nine year old sister during the Great Depression. Two people ago, as they say.
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Someone has to make the caskets, I don’t have a problem with that. And I’d rather be buried in a pine box than giving $10k+ to a rip-off industry, but a father/son carpentry project sounded a little too morbid for my tastes. Since the “kid” is 50, it really isn’t that big of a deal.
 
If you want to go out “Old School” there is a place in CO you can have an outdoor pyre done.

That’s sounds better to me than a 10k box or a gas oven.
 
Huckster79 said:
There is another little known option and that is natural burial and what I have decided I would like... I find great peace in it. There are natural burial cemeteries in every state. No toxic chemicals to pollute the earth, and the concept of creamstion bothers me (not for anyone else- but for me it’s unsettling)

In natural burial you are buried in a linen, whicker, cardboard or other easily biodegradable casket... your body returns to the earth in weeks like what’s gone on for millennia... my remains will re-enter the life cycle... I find non-religious comforting spirituality in that. If my kids want a stone fine- if not no need to do it “for me”. My body will return to our earth I’d rather have my kids spend an afternoon enjoying the beauty of her than visiting a stone with my name on it, that the truth is being a generation and a half there will be no one to visit it anyway or know who the hell I was...

Certainly not judging any way of doing it, just sharing what I found and the peace it has brought me in thinking of that eventual cost of living...
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That's a nice and comforting option in many ways. Like you said, the body goes back to the earth, as has been going on for many millennia. I've never felt that modern embalming makes a great deal of sense, but to each his (or her) own.

I also like @Zeldman 's idea. I think that's a neat idea and I've had similar thoughts.
 
RJM62 said:
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm also thinking about building my own coffin, mainly to save some money. Coffins are crazy expensive considering that you only get one use out of them. I'm thinking about something simple, but tasteful, and made of wood. I figure I can put a glass top over it and use it as a coffee table until the need arises.

Rich
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you can find real wood coffins, whether pine, or oak or other material, you may have to call around, but we found 1 12 or so years ago, & that's my wish, as for mention of glass top, look up Victorian coffins, they had glass panel at head, figured its worth a laugh, & some people use their coffin in their home for book case until its time to use he coffin.

I have a will & spot picked out in a very remote private cemetery where majority of headstones are hand chiseled rocks from 1700's & 1800's its a family plot from my wifes side, but beautiful mountain views, & I love the secluded spot, you turn on a dirt trail off a side road between trees & go 1/2 mile into forest where it opens up to the field & all the views.

however I do not want a vault, nor to even be embalmed, my wife knows my wishes.
 
I've always thought expensive caskets were kind of silly.
 
Ted DuPuis said:
That's a nice and comforting option in many ways. Like you said, the body goes back to the earth, as has been going on for many millennia. I've never felt that modern embalming makes a great deal of sense, but to each his (or her) own.

I also like @Zeldman 's idea. I think that's a neat idea and I've had similar thoughts.
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I agree, for me the imbalming process says I can't deal with the idea of not "being" and its seems a vain attempt to gain some form of immortality...Again that is for me, and judges no one else on how they deal with it, I'm a John Lennon "Whatever gets your through the night" type. The idea of my body being toxically pickled, sealed in an overpriced fancy box, then sealed in a cement box after that, to me means my remains are in a cold dark and eventually damp spot fighting the natural process... I know I will be gone at that point, but the idea of my remains being isolated from the life cycle doesn't settle well with me... I would rather my remains re-enter that life cycle, and in that there is a type of eternal life that has nothing to do with religion or belief or lack there of...

I like Zeldman's idea too! Could easily do both... I've also thought if there was a service or visitations it would be fun to hire a company with a bounce house and such for the kiddos who don't know wth is going on anyway!

Also remember folks- there are no laws of where visitations and such have to take place, they can be done in a home or wherever without a representative of the western funeral industry.
 
If you are cremated around these parts, the Funeral Home will rent you a casket (new interior included:D) if you want a wake/viewing with an open casket. Very nominal cost vs casket, vault, grave etc.

Cheers
 
X3 Skier said:
If you are cremated around these parts, the Funeral Home will rent you a casket (new interior included:D) if you want a wake/viewing with an open casket. Very nominal cost vs casket, vault, grave etc.

Cheers
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Yeah they'll do that around here too.

Interesting how they can double dip by 'renting' the casket for a few hours, than ultimately turn around and sell it to someone for burial at a later date.
 
Sam D said:
I've always thought expensive caskets were kind of silly.
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Most funerals are for the living. My mortician buddy (a good guy to know, by the way) tells me when a person dies without a pre-arranged burial it is not unusual for the family will pick out a less expensive casket, then get to feeling guilty about their choice and call back the next day and get the higher priced one.

Ryanb said:
Interesting how they can double dip by 'renting' the casket for a few hours, than ultimately turn around and sell it to someone for burial at another service.
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My mortician buddy sells used caskets...and not all of them are used to bury someone....:eek:

car-salesmen-annoying.jpg


Have I got a deal just for you..!!!
 
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Ryanb said:
Interesting how they can double dip by 'renting' the casket for a few hours, than ultimately turn around and sell it to someone for burial at a later date.
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Well, that exists in essentially all industries. Cars, motorcycles, generators, airplanes...

So long as the people buying it understand the history, I don't see a problem. If they have a multi-time rented casket they then sell for the new/unused price with no disclosure, then it becomes more questionable.
 
While on this topic, here’s a question for the audience.

I noticed while I was in California that many of the funeral homes are not called a funeral home but rather a mortuary. Why is this? Is it just west vs. east coast variation?
 
Cremate me, throw me under a pile of garbage, don’t care after I am gone. I will donate my body to medical science and if they can find some usable parts they can OH or IRAN and use, good for them.

On that note, I should probably get a living will done
 
Huckster79 said:
Also remember folks- there are no laws of where visitations and such have to take place, they can be done in a home or wherever without a representative of the western funeral industry.
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A couple of years ago we were asked to come to a very German thing. I don’t know what you call it, but our dear friend’s mom was terminally ill, bedridden at home. Instead of hospice care in a facility, hospice was at home and her bed was in the living room. Visitors were asked to stop by and visit, for as little or as long as they liked.

She was on lots of pain meds but she was alert and talking at times and other times asleep. We were there for a few hours.

Various people came and went. We saw old pastors, her son arrived a little bit after us, along with his kids. We got to see the kiddos say goodbye to their grandma. Something most of the time that’s very private. They wanted lots of friends there.

Of course her husband who’s also a dear friend and pseudo parent to both of us was also there. We hugged him and talked a while.

Was a very interesting experience. Very different from after someone passes. She passed two days later quietly at home. Various other people were present besides the family we heard.

Ryanb said:
While on this topic, here’s a question for the audience.

I noticed while I was in California that many of the funeral homes are not called a funeral home but rather a mortuary. Why is this? Is it just west vs. east coast variation?
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Mixed here. Don’t know why. Have both.
 
denverpilot said:
A couple of years ago we were asked to come to a very German thing. I don’t know what you call it, but our dear friend’s mom was terminally ill, bedridden at home. Instead of hospice care in a facility, hospice was at home and her bed was in the living room. Visitors were asked to stop by and visit, for as little or as long as they liked.

She was on lots of pain meds but she was alert and talking at times and other times asleep. We were there for a few hours.

Various people came and went. We saw old pastors, her son arrived a little bit after us, along with his kids. We got to see the kiddos say goodbye to their grandma. Something most of the time that’s very private. They wanted lots of friends there.

Of course her husband who’s also a dear friend and pseudo parent to both of us was also there. We hugged him and talked a while.

Was a very interesting experience. Very different from after someone passes. She passed two days later quietly at home. Various other people were present besides the family we heard.



Mixed here. Don’t know why. Have both.
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We did the same thing for my Mom at my parent's home in Florida. Her hospital bed was set up in my old bedroom as a kid and that's where she passed away as we sat with her.

I can't tell you how awesome the hospice nurses are. They talked with her and took care of her when Dad was resting and helped them through the process.

We were in the other room when the nurse noticed Mom's breathing starting to fade. She called us in and we sat there, my aunt holding her hand, until it was over. After a short while, the head hospice nurse arrived and reamed out the funeral home over the phone when they were slow at coming to take Mom's body away to the crematorium.

It was a hard time, but being at home was a great comfort to Mom in the days leading up.
 
Wow.It's good to hear others had their last few days with their Mom at home, just like I did.

Mom was in her bed in her own bedroom and all four of her kids had a couple of days to stay with her until the end...

I was not there when Mom stopped breathing. I had called my sister to discuss funeral issues and she mentioned that I would need to say "I love you, Mom" right away, before it was too late. She was on the phone with me when Mom passed...

The funeral was not a sad event, since we were all happy that Mom had lived 95 years and had lived a full life. We had just buried my Father two years before, so it was not a shock or unexpected event. We wouldn't have had it any other way and I'm sure Mom would have approved!
 
Technically, a mortuary does a lot of the dirty work, in prep, while the funeral home provides only visitation and family services.

However, it seems to be an East Coast/West Coast thing in reality, as there aren't many funeral homes that don't do their own embalming. And no one does on-site cremations, that's always sent to a crematory.
 
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