Anybody have any advice on how to deal with a hoarder?

[azblackbird]

I hate to say it, but my 75 year old Mom is a hoarder. She has a couple 20 ft. storage containers and numerous out buildings around her farm crammed full of everything from VHS movies, players, and cameras, 8-track tapes and players, weedeaters, lawn carts, blowers, tools, saws, generators, dishes, folding tables, lanterns, figurines, old jeans, old books, lawn chairs, lawn mowers, lawn jockeys, mason jars, window screens, etc., etc. You name it, she probably has 3 or 4 of the very same items spread out through all the buildings.

Her house looks like an antique museum of Avon, Franklin Mint, FingerHut, Charlie Russel and Lord knows what else all her figurines and wall hangings represent. Some of it is actually worth quite a bit of money, but trying to get her to part with it is a different story.

Her stuff/junk is all from past auction purchases from over the last 30 years or so. I’m trying to help her at least get it all organized and even dispose of some of the good stuff on E-bay or Craigslist, but she just can’t let any of it go. She says she enjoys looking at it and will use it all one of these days. She told me that 20 years ago, and it’s just gotten worse.

How can I convince/help my Mom (the hoarder) of 30 years get rid of most of her "stuff" without upsetting her?

 

[airdale]

I'm not sure what problem you are trying to solve. Is it that you don't like the hoard? It sounds like she is quite happy with it, so unless it is necessary for her to move to a smaller place I don't think you are trying to solve any problem that she has.

 

[Bill]

How can I convince/help my Mom (the hoarder) of 30 years get rid of most of her "stuff" without upsetting her?

Let her enjoy her stuff, she's earned it. There will be a time someday to disposition as you please.

 

[FlySince9]

I feel your pain with my 88 year old dad... Like @airdale said...let it go for now...

 

[Half Fast]

As long as she's not living in filth and squalor, I don't really see what problem you feel you need to solve.

But, if you're asking how to get rid the junk,...
1 - Find a burglar.
2 - Give him a key to her place.
3 - File an insurance claim.

 

[Matthew]

I think it's a mental or emotional thing. If it's bad enough to be a health/safety risk, then psych help might be the only way. I'm not sure about how well it sticks, though.

If it's not a health or safety risk, then judge if it's worth the fight.

 

[Zeldman]

My dad lived through the depression. He saved most everything that he thought he might find use for in the future.

I find myself saving things I should throw out. I still have some of what my dad did not throw away.

In 1968 or 69, my dad tore down a barn to have the lumber. That barn was probably built in the 30s. I was recruited to pull nails. My dad showed me how to pull nails without bending them. Now nails were like 5 cents a pound at that time. I pulled the nails and sorted them by size and put them in glass jars.

I now have those nails in my garage....

 

[Let'sgoflying!]

I know someone who is in counseling for this right now and everyone is amazed at the miracle of this person finally clearing out their mountains of stuff from some of the rooms.

 

[steingar]

The only ways I've figured out how to deal with Mrs. Steingars **** are either divorce or a match. I really don't want to do the former and am insufficiently evil to do the latter. So the **** is safe for now.

 

[Ken Ibold]

The only ways I've figured out how to deal with Mrs. Steingars **** are either divorce or a match. I really don't want to do the former and am insufficiently evil to do the latter. So the **** is safe for now.

I live in this world, too.

 

[Bill]

The only ways I've figured out how to deal with Mrs. Steingars **** are either divorce or a match. I really don't want to do the former and am insufficiently evil to do the latter. So the **** is safe for now.

My wife is quite the opposite, every 6 months she goes thru the house and tosses things that aren't being used. Hates clutter, collects nothing.

 

[bflynn]

I think she might use the term "collector".

A suggestion: Remind her that one day, you're going to have to sell all this and it's going to be an enormous hassle to you. Can she help you out and start cleaning things out now? Plus it will generate more money. Yes, it's all pretty, but there's so much of it that she can't appreciate the best pieces.

 

[eman1200]

it's just a front for the meth lab she has in the basement. ask me how I know........

 

[MauleSkinner]

Tools?

(My FIL once asked my wife if I there was any tool I don't have. Obviously there is, because I had to buy one today!)

 

[cowman]

My dad had this problem and it was to the point where the house was barely fit to live in. It sucks, they know there's a problem but they can't let go and being older they don't have the energy/physical ability to organize it all. They won't let anyone else mess with their stuff and you can't reason with it.

I'm afraid we didn't really ever find a solution, eventually he got dementia and had to go to a home. It was only then that we were able to clean out the house

 

[mscard88]

I now have those nails in my garage....

NAIL HOARDER!

 

[mscard88]

I live in this world, too.

You're not alone....

 

[idahoflier]

Based on my experience there isn't anything you can do...

 

[OkieFlyer]

The only ways I've figured out how to deal with Mrs. Steingars **** are either divorce or a match. I really don't want to do the former and am insufficiently evil to do the latter. So the **** is safe for now.

Hmm. Insufficiently evil sounds like you definitely know you are evil, just not quite evil enough to kill your wife. What are you evil enough for, I wonder?

 

[azblackbird]

Thankfully her house isn't to the point where it's unsafe to live in or anything, but it's like walking into a shrine/tack room/museum with all my niece's rodeo gear and all the photos, momentos, and figurines on the shelves and on the walls and stuffed into every nook and cranny.

I'm slowly easing her into getting rid of some of her stuff or at least getting it into a ton of storable/stowable totes that I went to Denver and bought the other day. I told her I'd hold off buying my coach so she could get her RV and spend the winter in AZ, and I'd take care of her house and the horses this winter in exchange for her decluttering. She probably has enough stuff I could sell that she could pay cash for a really nice 5th wheel and a new P/U to pull it with. I offered to buy her one, but she refused. I think I got her convinced to take my appliances that are almost brand new, so maybe we are making some progress. She has 3 full size freezers (that are probably 20 years old) stuffed to the gills with beef, pork, chicken, veggies, etc. that my family either butchered or had grown in their gardens. It would take her and I and my little brother's entire family at least two years to eat that much food. I guess I don't ever have to buy groceries again.

I was cleaning out one of her storage sheds today and found at least 20 Resistol and Stetson hats all brand new in the boxes. On top of that I found approx. 50 pairs of Tony Lama boots, all brand new in the boxes. She got them all at an auction years ago. Unfricking real!

 

[airdale]

So the problem you're solving is your problem, not hers. Not to put too fine a point on it, but don't you think it's kind of selfish to put your happiness ahead your Mom's? I'm sure she likes the "shrine' quite a bit.

 

[Let'sgoflying!]

 

[azblackbird]

So the problem you're solving is your problem, not hers. Not to put too fine a point on it, but don't you think it's kind of selfish to put your happiness ahead your Mom's? I'm sure she likes the "shrine' quite a bit.

I admit that I'm a neat freak. Geez I even press my Levis. Mom's just an old country gal with a country home decorated country style. Nothing wrong with that. In fact all her stuff is actually pretty cool. It's just that so much of it is all crammed into her little country house. When she first moved here 20 years ago, her home was very quaint, stylish, and appropriately decorated. You could actually sit at the kitchen table.

Then she started going to auctions. Now she's just piling stuff on stuff. It's a sickness. Even my little brother realizes it and forewarned me in advance. Even if I were to get an RV right now, her RV pad has a pen of goats right next to it. I don't particularly care to live next to a pen of goats. Housing is outrageous even here in the boonies, and that's if you can even find a decent one to buy. We'll get it all worked out. I'll convince her let go of some of her stuff that we can easily turn into cash to she can get her RV and get out of the Colorado winters. That's my selling point. She hates the winters here! I'm the opposite and actually love the cold except when the wind is blowing a 100mph.

View attachment 60957

Yep... that's the story of my life.

 

[Skyrys62]

I was cleaning out one of her storage sheds today and found at least 20 Resistol and Stetson hats all brand new in the boxes. On top of that I found approx. 50 pairs of Tony Lama boots, all brand new in the boxes. She got them all at an auction years ago. Unfricking real!

Call American Pickers. Both you and her might get on the show lol.

 

[Unit74]

My great aunt was a hoarder. We tried the intervention route and it turned into WW3. Most likely, you will kill her by cleaning out all that junk. Seriously. We waited till she died, picked over anything of real value and then rented a dipsy-dumpster and cleaned it all out. Leave her and the junk alone.

 

[Zeldman]

He who has the most stuff when they die.....







leaves it all for someone else to clean up....

 

[Skyrys62]

He who has the most stuff when they die.....

Like nails....
You might get some of that old barn wood (if you can) and/or use those nails to have a coffin fashioned for you. My uncle did that and it was awesome.
We all carved our names in it before they lowered it.
His tractor (in the background) was driven by his grandson and pulled a hay wagon with it, carrying my uncle to his resting place.
His wife, who passed a few years earlier, was pulled by her favorite of their horses, down a long country road lined by corn fields. It was very beautiful...but can't find those pics right now.

 

[azblackbird]

Call American Pickers. Both you and her might get on the show lol.

She makes the "Pickers" look like amateurs.

Most likely, you will kill her by cleaning out all that junk.

I'm taking things nice and slow. She come uncorked on me the other day. First time in 40 years I've ever seen her that mad. It was at that moment I finally realized it was a sickness when a plastic bucket full of broken glass had value to her. Ironically, some of the things she's actually throwing away is stuff that I'd have probably kept myself. We'll get there eventually. I tell her what I'm going to do before she leaves the farm for the day. I do it so we're both on the same page and she won't get upset when she returns if something is out of place.

My little brother is a hoarder also. But he hoards all the good stuff. Guns, ammo, cars/trucks, shop equipment, tools, fishing gear, etc. I went to an auction with him up in Denver last Friday and he bought a ton of diesel truck parts. A couple pallets he won were full of brand new CAT oil and fuel filters. So far he's made about $10k on an $18 investment just from the fuel and oil filters alone.

This afternoon he scored a 1968 Ford Camper Special 4wd High Boy in very good condition for $1600. He'd been eyeing that truck for the last 20 years and the guy finally parted with it. He plans on restoring it back to all original condition.

You might get some of that old barn wood (if you can) and/or use those nails to have a coffin fashioned for you.

I just got done sorting and stacking a ton of barn wood my Mom had stashed on the side of one of her storage vans. I'm still not done stacking it and will get back to it tomorrow. That's a bad ass idea, I'm going to have to show her that pic. She'd get a kick out of that.

 

[airbrain]

I applaud you for your concern and wanting to help. Hoarding can be a legit disorder and is currently categorized in the obsessive compulsive disorder grouping. You will probably have a feel for whether she is just thrifty or if she seems off by whether it controls her rather than the other way around. (You’ll know this better than people on the internet who don’t know her.) This is the kind of issues psychotherapists work with for a living. I recommend you consult one (or more) therapists over random pilots on the internet or reality TV. Leveraging their experience could save you a lot of time and heartache, not to mention money. The behavior may also indicate underlying issues causing her suffering that by addressing properly could significantly improve her quality of remaining life, and thereby yours as well. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hoarding-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20356056
Disclosure: I am a practicing psychotherapist, so naturally I endorse the profession.
Best of luck!

 

[3393RP]

Airbrain, thank you for taking the time to educate the OP. I hope it will help him deal with the issue.

 

[frfly172]

As long As it’s not a safety factor or a health issue,let it go. Each to their own.

 

[Salty]

I think she might use the term "collector".

A suggestion: Remind her that one day, you're going to have to sell all this and it's going to be an enormous hassle to you. Can she help you out and start cleaning things out now? Plus it will generate more money. Yes, it's all pretty, but there's so much of it that she can't appreciate the best pieces.

Reminding a hoarder that they are going to die and not have their stuff anymore isn’t likely to get the result you are looking for. More likely it will reinforce their desire to hang on to it. If they get rid of it they might as well be dead.

 

[Salty]

She makes the "Pickers" look like amateurs.


I'm taking things nice and slow. She come uncorked on me the other day. First time in 40 years I've ever seen her that mad. It was at that moment I finally realized it was a sickness when a plastic bucket full of broken glass had value to her. Ironically, some of the things she's actually throwing away is stuff that I'd have probably kept myself. We'll get there eventually. I tell her what I'm going to do before she leaves the farm for the day. I do it so we're both on the same page and she won't get upset when she returns if something is out of place.

My little brother is a hoarder also. But he hoards all the good stuff. Guns, ammo, cars/trucks, shop equipment, tools, fishing gear, etc. I went to an auction with him up in Denver last Friday and he bought a ton of diesel truck parts. A couple pallets he won were full of brand new CAT oil and fuel filters. So far he's made about $10k on an $18 investment just from the fuel and oil filters alone.

This afternoon he scored a 1968 Ford Camper Special 4wd High Boy in very good condition for $1600. He'd been eyeing that truck for the last 20 years and the guy finally parted with it. He plans on restoring it back to all original condition.



I just got done sorting and stacking a ton of barn wood my Mom had stashed on the side of one of her storage vans. I'm still not done stacking it and will get back to it tomorrow. That's a bad ass idea, I'm going to have to show her that pic. She'd get a kick out of that.

So it’s ok to hoard as long as its stuff you find value in. I’d blow up at you too.

 

[bflynn]

Reminding a hoarder that they are going to die and not have their stuff anymore isn’t likely to get the result you are looking for. More likely it will reinforce their desire to hang on to it. If they get rid of it they might as well be dead.

It depends on the person. With my mother, the breakthrough was that we kids were going to have to clean all this stuff up. It motivated her to start drawing down what she had in place.

 

[steingar]

Hmm. Insufficiently evil sounds like you definitely know you are evil, just not quite evil enough to kill your wife. What are you evil enough for, I wonder?

Gad I don't know. But I'm not killing anyone, not even someone who deserves it. And I'm not committing arson, the fire could spread to someone else's house. We're close together in the city.

Calling Mrs. Steingar a hoarder is a bit of an exaggeration. But she has far more stuff than I'm be comfortable with (I do have to live with it), and it does get in the way sometimes.

 

[TheGolfPilot]

Just went through my grandmother’s house and we found hundreds of wrapped presents that didn’t have a name on them. She liked to buy gifts for people even if she didn’t have someone to give them to. Everyone has their hobbies

 

[azblackbird]

Disclosure: I am a practicing psychotherapist, so naturally I endorse the profession. Best of luck!

Thanks for the response. As a professional what would you recommend as a treatment?

Right now I'm just letting her be her own guide and I will make subtle rational type suggestions on what to keep and what to toss. We're making slow progress in the right direction.

 

[azblackbird]

So it’s ok to hoard as long as its stuff you find value in. I’d blow up at you too.

Difference between my Mom and little brother is that little brother buys stuff to sell. Whether he sits on his stuff for a few years is of no concern as it always has value and is easily salable.

Mom buys stuff to keep. Most of the stuff she accumulates has no value... only to her.

 

[Ted]

To the OP - I've had arguments with my mom over some of her decisions. She's made it clear she doesn't want my help, and I've gotten to the point where I've realized it's not worth the fight. She knows I'll help her if she wants, but if she doesn't ask, she won't get help. Mom can afford her lifestyle. Provided your mom can as well, I'd leave it be. If she can't afford it, then I would probably talk with her directly in those terms - say if she doesn't do something about this and what it's costing her, she'll end up losing it all.

When she dies, you and your brother will have to deal with it. And you'll be able to deal with it without her getting angry about it. You and your brother might fight about some things, so you have to ask which fight is going to be easier or harder. If the fight with your brother will be harder, then the fight with your mother might also make more sense now. At the same time, it's her life. See above.

Like nails....
You might get some of that old barn wood (if you can) and/or use those nails to have a coffin fashioned for you. My uncle did that and it was awesome.
We all carved our names in it before they lowered it.
His tractor (in the background) was driven by his grandson and pulled a hay wagon with it, carrying my uncle to his resting place.
His wife, who passed a few years earlier, was pulled by her favorite of their horses, down a long country road lined by corn fields. It was very beautiful...but can't find those pics right now.

That is really, really cool. I'm still all for the viking funeral, but that's the coolest coffin I've seen.

 

[mscard88]

Call American Pickers. Both you and her might get on the show lol.

I like that show. Even learn a little history from it.