34, feeling lost, lonely

Half Fast said:
Planes or ladies?
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IMG_2581.gif
 
When you’re ready, get on the apps.
Get yourself in a good place, first. Network as folks suggested- interest groups. Volunteer- church, scouts, food banks, meals on wheels, etc. Group hikes or runs, climbs or paddles or trivia night. Whatever spins your prop. All those things put you in a position to make friends in a meaningful way, feel good about what you’re doing with your time, and maybe meet women as a bonus.

Given the gender ratios, particularly of singles, I don’t see fly ins as a high probability means to finding a gf, but ymmv

Best of luck!
 
I was in my 20s and lonely, ready to look into dating services (this was pre Internet) when a friend and sailing buddy invited me to go camping with some friends. One of the group was a girl he knew from college, who I had met briefly before. Mary's tent was already set up when we arrived... my tent never did get set up. 40 years later we're still sharing a tent. :)
 
Daleandee said:
Learn to play guitar ... ;)
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Ok. True story.

I was in a very small town in a very remote part of Norway for military winter training. Dombås, population 1,164. We are sitting in the TV lounge of the barracks on a Saturday morning, bored out of our skulls, watching Swedish TV. It was 20 below outside.

One of our guys walks in with a guitar, sits down and starts playing Guns n Roses. This was back in the early 90's, when you could do this unironically.

Within 15 minutes there were a half dozen young Norwegian women sitting on the floor in a semi circle listening to him play. I have no idea where they came from. Like little blond snow fairies, they emerged from the snowy woods, lured by the accoustic guitar and bad Axl Rose imitation.

It was at that moment I realized that I had wasted my youth and my knees on contact sports, trying to be a tough guy to impress the girls. I should have grown my hair long and learned music.

Here is the one picture I can find from that trip, just to give you an idea how remote it was:

Norway (1).jpg
 
Ed Haywood said:
Ok. True story.

I was in a very small town in a very remote part of Norway for military winter training. Dombås, population 1,164. We are sitting in the TV lounge of the barracks on a Saturday morning, bored out of our skulls, watching Swedish TV. It was 20 below outside.

One of our guys walks in with a guitar, sits down and starts playing Guns n Roses. This was back in the early 90's, when you could do this unironically.

Within 15 minutes there were a half dozen young Norwegian women sitting on the floor in a semi circle listening to him play. I have no idea where they came from. Like little blond snow fairies, they emerged from the snowy woods, lured by the accoustic guitar and bad Axl Rose imitation.

It was at that moment I realized that I had wasted my youth and my knees on contact sports, trying to be a tough guy to impress the girls. I should have grown my hair long and learned music.

Here is the one picture I can find from that trip, just to give you an idea how remote it was:

View attachment 129405
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Youth is wasted on the young.
Thanks for your service. Sorry neither of us learned guitar at age 17
 
@Sam7 welcome to PoA, may your stay be long.

Let me just start by stating an obvious truth. Humans are complicated and there is rarely a magic formula for them. You want to get financially secure? Simple, spend less than you earn. You want to lose weight? Simple, consume less calories than you burn. You want to build muscles? Simple. Lower reps at higher weights.

Human relationships? HA! I have lost relationships over something seemingly stupid, and I have others (non-romantic) that I have no idea how we're still friends. Further, once you're in a relationship, each and every one is different. Romantic ones are even more unique. Finally, to maintain that relationship is different for each couple. If you'll watch couples, what works for one couple would most definitely not work for another. But each tends to find what works for them.

I say this not to discourage you, but to rather disabuse you of the notion that if do everything right girls (in this case) will just come to you. As you've seen, dating apps are very miss and occasionally hit. But, I think the suggestion of getting involved in actual personal groups is a good one. There you can observe other people, get better at socializing. Also you can observe a possible gf without the commitment of trying to date her immediately. There is less stress and you can perhaps add a female or two as friends instead of failed romantic prospects. There is no replacement for seeing how a person acts in real life vs in a filtered existence online. Unfortunately, the current world has decided that real life is scary and new people are to be avoided. I would suggest, no offense intended, that the fact that you came here to pour your heart out would indicate that you too are not really comfortable with making friends in the real world. You can operate there, but always with a purpose and once that purpose is done, so are you.

So, my suggestion, like others before me, would be to go to groups that share your hobbies. But, once the meeting is over, don't leave. Stick around during the break down and clean up. Just talk to others (male or female) about random stuff. If its a comic-con (as an example) maybe see if you can find someone to talk to about airplanes, or homeownership. Something besides the reason you're there. Maybe eventually try to schedule a lunch date. The goal is to get to know others and do a couple of things. 1) Make friends. 2) Social network. You never know when the sister-of-a-cousin-of-a-current-ex-girlfriend may say "I can't believe I can't find a good guy" and this person you were merely talking to about the benefits of low-wing vs high-wing aircraft says "You know, I know this guy who is single and would seem to be just your type" and next thing you know they're trying to set you up on a blind date. The more people you know, the larger your net is be definition.

I know some people online, but I can't imagine myself saying "You know, I know of this guy on PoA called Sam7 that seems like your type". Just not the same thing as saying that about someone I know in person.

A lot of rambling from SGOTI. But kinda have to shotgun it as despite your best intentions I really dont know the guy known as Sam7, so hard to be more precise.

Again, welcome and good luck on this stage of your journey.
 
guest user said:
I know some people online, but I can't imagine myself saying "You know, I know of this guy on PoA called Sam7 that seems like your type". Just not the same thing as saying that about someone I know in person.
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Oh boy, could I tell you a story.......
 
Welcome to the community!

I second the idea of joining your local EAA chapter. While the male/female ratio might not be in your favor, it will allow you to work on your social skills in general, and you never know what opportunities appear. This guy you just met might have a single sister, or his wife might know another single lady and be willing to set-up a double date. Plus, a lot of them organize regular fly-outs. You might meet someone at a fly-out destination.

Also, outside of aviation, try registering for a photography class. A good way to meet interesting people, and the M/F ratio might be a bit more favorable. If everything else fails, find one of those mall places that sells expensive cooking utensils. Most of them organize cooking classes in an effort to convince you to buy your stuff. Sign up for a few, you never know. At a minimum, you get a nice meal out of it.
Even your local library will have interesting events worth attending. Chances are you'll meet someone a lot more interesting than what you could meet in your typical sports bar.

And, most important piece of advice: be yourself. Works out better in the long term, even if it might seem to generate less interest initially.
 
Lndwarrior said:
Your story is very similar to mine, a number of years ago. Both financially and romantically. I also had a ton of hobbies and the money to enjoy them. I was also constantly lonely. I was never a sociable person and quite awkward with women.

Finally, in my late 40s I found the love of my life. We met each other online. Twenty years later and I love her more than ever and we've had a great life together.

It took my sister pressuring me to put an ad online in the personals section. I was completely honest with my ad. I think it read a lot like your post here.

You just might want to consider doing a personal ad. I would copy about 90% of your initial post here. Maybe add a few other things you are interested in. Possibly suggest that you are looking for an online friend to start.

If your ad speaks from the heart, just like your post above, you may be very surprised with the results. Your honesty and concerns about being a good partner shows you are a considerate and thoughtful person. These attributes, more than anything else, is exactly what most women are looking for.

The fact you are a pilot and financially secure pretty much puts you at the top of the list.

I would cast a vote to go and write the ad on whatever is the current leader on personal connection applications.

Just do it.

I still have my wife's response to my one and only personal ad. It changed everything about my life.
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Putting an ad online in the late 90s early 2000s bears little resemblance to online dating of nowadays. I tell the youngin's now about how I met my now wife on match.com and you'd think I was telling them a story about meeting her at the soda shop after an Elvis concert. I mean, match.com was the comparatively edgy choice compared to e-harmony.

The only online ads of 20 years ago were Craigslist personals, which I believe still exist, but are likely only to net a very nice Nigerian single with lots of wealth but needs some Of your assistance with domestic banking.
 
Based on what I’ve observed over the years, if you want to really attract women you should get some tats, drink heavily, get arrested a few times, and father a couple kids that you don’t support. That seems to be like catnip.
 
I found it pretty easy to weed out the fakes on online dating sites. Just be patient because the fakes want it now, and they run out of patience pretty quickly and start demanding things, usually money.

And I had my share of few fake replies.
 
This thread has me thinking of one of my favorite lyrics. Boomers will recognize it right away:

I've been looking in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what she don't see in me,
I've been funny I've been cool with the lines,
Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?
 
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You should be able to make some friends through your hobbies. You only need to make a couple friends, and then join gatherings together, and from there you will expand your circle and potentially find a lady that you click with.

If you are not making friends then maybe consider living in a more urban area?

You don’t need to tell people about your financial situation, and thus no one should be after “your money” since they shouldn’t know about your money situation.

I found my spouse on an app, so they do work. Just avoid the scammers on there.
 
I think just your ability to say “I’m lonely” and looking for actual advice, shows you’re doing well even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Us guys aren’t always known to be that in touch with ourselves to recognize that let alone say it, especially to other guys.

One doesn’t need experience to have a good relationship. Often it’s those experiences that actually jade us and makes other relationships a challenge from scars along the way.

I met my wife at 41, had two other failed major relationships in life- one w paperwork one without. I met her on FB dating actually :) though I’ve all but since quit FB but it worked to meet her. I’m not advising that where to go or not where to go. But overall online dating is the place everyone is going these days.

But you’re on the right track just acknowledging you want something to change in your life. Now as PIC of your life, it’s up to you to navigate to where you want to be. Asking for input from others is one great means of that- though take none of us as the answer holder, take what makes sense to you from each of us.

You got this!
 
Ed Haywood said:
This thread has me thinking of one of my favorite lyrics. Boomers will recognize it right away:

I've been looking in the mirror all the time,
Wondering what she don't see in me,
I've been funny I've been cool with the lines,
Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?
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Yeah, but by now it's more like:

1717425924576.png
 
Today is our 36th anniversary. I believe the card my wife gave me says it all:

"Honey, when I first looked into your eyes, I knew you were the one I wanted to argue with forever!" :D

I'm praying for another 36 years ...
 
Congrats on the house, but if you want an airplane, you'll need to start hanging out near the local law or medical school.

Heck, financially secure at 34? Attend medical school.
 
guest user said:
I did not know that was actually a thing. The more you know...

And congrats on your find, btw.
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It is, and thank you! I’m not a big FB fan as a whole anymore, but honestly their dating site was better I found than most of the others, even not taking into account I met my wife there but just in general.

I gave up being active on Facebook anymore as I just don’t care what my brother’s father in law’s cousin’s best friend thinks of either presidential candidate or what they had for dinner… lol. But it did the trick to find my bride :)
 
What part of the country are you in? I'd suggest the Meet-up app, I've gone on dozens of hikes using it and the M-F ratio is pretty good.

Good on you for reaching out to your fellow human, that's half the battle and a sign that you're on the right track.
 
SFDukie said:
When you’re ready, get on the apps.
Get yourself in a good place, first. Network as folks suggested- interest groups. Volunteer- church, scouts, food banks, meals on wheels, etc. Group hikes or runs, climbs or paddles or trivia night. Whatever spins your prop. All those things put you in a position to make friends in a meaningful way, feel good about what you’re doing with your time, and maybe meet women as a bonus.

Given the gender ratios, particularly of singles, I don’t see fly ins as a high probability means to finding a gf, but ymmv

Best of luck!
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The apps are absolutely miserable. I think the average male:female ratio on the apps is 10:1. I've met a few women off there but most wanted a marriage/kids ASAP. The rest turned out to be not what they're profiles indicated (looked completely different) including a few women looking to be sugar babies.

Half Fast said:
:yeahthat:

It'd work better to buy a horse and start going to horse shows. But if you think airplanes are a money sink,......
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I've been riding for a decade now and I love it! You'd think I would have found a barn girl by now but unfortunately, it hasn't been the case. Many of them are already in relationships and/or married and my trainer doesn't have any students in my age range. We are getting a new trainer across from us at the barn so hopefully she brings with her some lovely women ;)

Daleandee said:
Learn to play guitar ... ;)
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I've been playing for about 12 years and have been singing for several months now.

guest user said:
@Sam7 welcome to PoA, may your stay be long.

Let me just start by stating an obvious truth. Humans are complicated and there is rarely a magic formula for them. You want to get financially secure? Simple, spend less than you earn. You want to lose weight? Simple, consume less calories than you burn. You want to build muscles? Simple. Lower reps at higher weights.

Human relationships? HA! I have lost relationships over something seemingly stupid, and I have others (non-romantic) that I have no idea how we're still friends. Further, once you're in a relationship, each and every one is different. Romantic ones are even more unique. Finally, to maintain that relationship is different for each couple. If you'll watch couples, what works for one couple would most definitely not work for another. But each tends to find what works for them.

I say this not to discourage you, but to rather disabuse you of the notion that if do everything right girls (in this case) will just come to you. As you've seen, dating apps are very miss and occasionally hit. But, I think the suggestion of getting involved in actual personal groups is a good one. There you can observe other people, get better at socializing. Also you can observe a possible gf without the commitment of trying to date her immediately. There is less stress and you can perhaps add a female or two as friends instead of failed romantic prospects. There is no replacement for seeing how a person acts in real life vs in a filtered existence online. Unfortunately, the current world has decided that real life is scary and new people are to be avoided. I would suggest, no offense intended, that the fact that you came here to pour your heart out would indicate that you too are not really comfortable with making friends in the real world. You can operate there, but always with a purpose and once that purpose is done, so are you.

So, my suggestion, like others before me, would be to go to groups that share your hobbies. But, once the meeting is over, don't leave. Stick around during the break down and clean up. Just talk to others (male or female) about random stuff. If its a comic-con (as an example) maybe see if you can find someone to talk to about airplanes, or homeownership. Something besides the reason you're there. Maybe eventually try to schedule a lunch date. The goal is to get to know others and do a couple of things. 1) Make friends. 2) Social network. You never know when the sister-of-a-cousin-of-a-current-ex-girlfriend may say "I can't believe I can't find a good guy" and this person you were merely talking to about the benefits of low-wing vs high-wing aircraft says "You know, I know this guy who is single and would seem to be just your type" and next thing you know they're trying to set you up on a blind date. The more people you know, the larger your net is be definition.

I know some people online, but I can't imagine myself saying "You know, I know of this guy on PoA called Sam7 that seems like your type". Just not the same thing as saying that about someone I know in person.

A lot of rambling from SGOTI. But kinda have to shotgun it as despite your best intentions I really dont know the guy known as Sam7, so hard to be more precise.

Again, welcome and good luck on this stage of your journey.
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Thank you for the advice!

Truthfully, I want a great group of like-minded friends more than women right now. The women will take care of themselves once I've established a solid social life (I've got everything else established) so I'm really going after that hard. I am actually very comfortable meeting new people, interacting with them, conversing, getting to know them, etc. I am reaching out as much as I can, inviting people over for a gathering when I think they're comfortable enough. I really am putting a lot of effort into putting myself out there, it takes a lot of time, patience, and groundwork to go from stranger to friend.

I'm spread pretty thin right now but I'm thinking of more ways to get involved in group activities.

tred19t said:
What part of the country are you in? I'd suggest the Meet-up app, I've gone on dozens of hikes using it and the M-F ratio is pretty good.

Good on you for reaching out to your fellow human, that's half the battle and a sign that you're on the right track.
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I'm in Los Angeles. I'll give Meetup a try. I've heard mixed things about it but I suppose it's worth giving it a shot!
 
Thank you all for again for the kinds words and advice. Just to put a face to who I am, that is me in my profile pic :)
 
I have never met a woman that I had a relationship with when I was looking for a woman. They came from just doing things and meeting all sorts of people.
 
Sam, have you tried bumble? Because it gives women “the control” over making first contact, it may benefit a thoughtful guy like you.
Different dating apps attack different types. It’s been too long since I’ve been on them for ne to know those “flavors”- but ones that required of encouraged lots of longer answers were where I found more success. And lots of photos…
 
Pinecone said:
I have never met a woman that I had a relationship with when I was looking for a woman. They came from just doing things and meeting all sorts of people.
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The less effort I put into looking for a girlfriend the better the results have been. There is absolutely a point of diminishing returns and its a low bar.
 
SFDukie said:
Sam, have you tried bumble? Because it gives women “the control” over making first contact, it may benefit a thoughtful guy like you.
Different dating apps attack different types. It’s been too long since I’ve been on them for ne to know those “flavors”- but ones that required of encouraged lots of longer answers were where I found more success. And lots of photos…
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I have and it no longer works that way. Bumble no longer requires the woman to make contact first, it's just like any other app at this point. Bumble and Hinge are seen as the apps for "serious" dating but they're all the same at this point unfortunately. You have to pay for all of these as well so the subscriptions add up after a few months.

bnt83 said:
The less effort I put into looking for a girlfriend the better the results have been. There is absolutely a point of diminishing returns and its a low bar.
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This keep coming up in conversation with many different people. My focus is definitely more on building a social circle so I'm doing my best to have fun making friends and enjoy my hobbies.
 
Back in the day, meetup groups were gold for me, too. Group runs. It’s nice to bring a wingman or have someone there who knows you- puts women at ease that you’re not a serial killer ;)

Fly up to the city and I’ll be your wingman. “He’s a bit shy, but he’s an awesome pilot! Ask him about his airplane. We’ll take you on a bay tour and get coffee in half moon bay. You can bring a friend.
 
SFDukie said:
Back in the day, meetup groups were gold for me, too. Group runs. It’s nice to bring a wingman or have someone there who knows you- puts women at ease that you’re not a serial killer ;)

Fly up to the city and I’ll be your wingman. “He’s a bit shy, but he’s an awesome pilot! Ask him about his airplane. We’ll take you on a bay tour and get coffee in half moon bay. You can bring a friend.
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I might take you up on that! I've got friends in San Jose and there's a P40 Warhawk I'd like to take a flight in up in Sonoma so I could knock all that out in a long weekend :blueplane:
 
My wife believes that a man not married by the age of 30 has something wrong with him, akin to “why have all these other women not married him yet?”

Kind of like the airpark property we looked at yesterday, plats first drawn up in the 90’s, had us really suspicious as to why things did not sell.
 
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