34, feeling lost, lonely

Sam7

Sam7

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Sam
Hey everyone,

Still a complete amateur with respect to flying as I slowly chip away at my sport pilot license (hopefully private pilot one day).

Anyways, I'm going through a rough patch right now and I thought I'd come here for some advice after reading a recent thread about marriage (you all offered some great input).

I turned 34 a few months ago and achieved a milestone by purchasing a house after working for several years on getting to a point where I was financially secure. Truthfully though, upon getting the house, I realized I had spent the past several years so focused on my financial life to the detriment of areas of my life go (except my health).

I don't have any friends (my best friends no longer live here unfortunately), and for the first time in my life, I'm dealing with feeling lonely. It's a really ****ty feeling and it's not helping my prospects with women since loneliness really makes you feel desperate and needy. I'd love to have a girlfriend but therein lies another concern of mine: I've never been in a relationship for more than a few months and it's been many years since the last one.

My concern is that if I do find a great girl to be with, I won't be a good boyfriend due to a lack of "relationship skills". Along those lines, I'm concerned this will somehow effect my ability to be a good husband at some point down the line since I do want to get married and have kids (not any time soon).

I have MANY hobbies and passions (probably too many) that I've cultivated for many years. But activities don't really fill the void of a lack of people in your life who care for you. And while I do own a nice place, make good money, etc. none of that means anything unless you have someone to share it with. I regret that I spent all these years of my life focusing on my finances. I guess I don't know what the point of all of it was to just end up here feeling like this.

Sorry to be a downer, don't have too many people to talk to so I guess this is my way of venting. Anyways, to anyone who reads this, thank you!
 
Sam7 said:
My concern is that if I do find a great girl to be with, I won't be a good boyfriend due to a lack of "relationship skills". Along those lines, I'm concerned this will somehow effect my ability to be a good husband
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Don't let this be a barrier to trying. "Relationship skills" are just listening, not saying hurtful things, and pulling your weight around the home. The kind of girl you want will just care about you being a good, honest person. That's 99% of it.
 
You aren't alone. People, situations, things happen, and it can really suck sometimes.

Being on your own can seem really empty, only thing worse is sleeping next to a BF/GF, husband/wife and having the same feeling.

I've had a daughter of a dying GF literally sit on my couch and adopt me, "you are stuck with us"..."you can't leave us" she don't even talk to me anymore. This gal's brother on the other hand, we didn't talk for a year and kind of just picked up where we left off. All of their little kids got their first airplane rides from me. The Gal's kids flew on some dinner dates with me and mentioned GF too.

People come and go,

One of my favorite friends is a older man nearing retirement, endless energy, high school football player, boy scout, trap coach, his dad was a state trooper. I met him at work one day and we just get each other.

Many couples are miserable and so far down a financial hole they won't cut ties. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. The neighbors may seem in love and happy on the surface but aren't. This could be your parents, your brothers, your sisters in the same spot.
 
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@Sam7 - congratulations on owning your own home and getting to a place where you feel financially secure. That is great!

In regards to relationships? Contrary to a lot of current opinion, you don't need a ton of relationship experience to be good at relationships. In my (albeit limited) experience, relationships are mostly about communication, honesty, and a willingness to sacrifice something you want if it conflicts with something your significant other needs. Most of the rest of a relationship is based on the person you're in a relationship with and thus having a lot of experience isn't very helpful. If you are able to do those first three things, which should actually be learned outside of romantic relationships if possible, the rest of it falls into place pretty easily.

Being lonely sucks. The good news is, getting a girlfriend/wife isn't the only way to fix lonely. Look into hobby clubs, activity meetings, and other gatherings of like-interested people, and actually put in the work to turn the people you meet there into people you invite over to your house for a Friday cookout or game party or even just get together to engage in a shared hobby outside of the club meetings. Those friends will make your life richer now and in the future, and having a large part of your lonely ache assuaged will help you be less desperate in your search for your special woman (and more likely to pick one that will be good for you).

Also, just a thought - do you know what you want your next goal to be? Sometimes, if you work super hard on meeting a tough-to-reach goal and succeed in it, there can be a "let-down period" afterwards that leaves you feeling like you're drifting and aimless. Even if it's just "make three new friends" or "learn [specific new skill]", putting it into the form of a goal so you can work towards it in a meaningful way can help.

My two cents on your situation, worth exactly what you paid for 'em! :biggrin:
 
Sam7 said:
My concern is that if I do find a great girl to be with, I won't be a good boyfriend due to a lack of "relationship skills".
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Then tell her that, and ask for her advice.

I didn't get married until I was 51. Really didn't want to be married. When the right one comes along, you will know it. In fact I never asked my wife to marry me, it just happened.
 
Sam7 said:
I have MANY hobbies and passions (probably too many) that I've cultivated for many years.
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That sounds a lot like me. But as has been pointed out already in the thread, there are others who share your hobbies and passions. Find them! Join clubs, look for online communities with local members, seek out meet-ups, or organize something yourself. Making new friends requires some effort, but it will always be easier if you start by connecting with those who share a common interest.
 
Your story is very similar to mine, a number of years ago. Both financially and romantically. I also had a ton of hobbies and the money to enjoy them. I was also constantly lonely. I was never a sociable person and quite awkward with women.

Finally, in my late 40s I found the love of my life. We met each other online. Twenty years later and I love her more than ever and we've had a great life together.

It took my sister pressuring me to put an ad online in the personals section. I was completely honest with my ad. I think it read a lot like your post here.

You just might want to consider doing a personal ad. I would copy about 90% of your initial post here. Maybe add a few other things you are interested in. Possibly suggest that you are looking for an online friend to start.

If your ad speaks from the heart, just like your post above, you may be very surprised with the results. Your honesty and concerns about being a good partner shows you are a considerate and thoughtful person. These attributes, more than anything else, is exactly what most women are looking for.

The fact you are a pilot and financially secure pretty much puts you at the top of the list.

I would cast a vote to go and write the ad on whatever is the current leader on personal connection applications.

Just do it.

I still have my wife's response to my one and only personal ad. It changed everything about my life.
 
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In todays world, where do you post a personal ad?
 
Lndwarrior said:
We met each other online
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See what happens when you to open your email... :lol:

I met my wife the same way. We emailed and talked on the phone for 8 months before we met in person. When we finally met it was as if we had known each other for years.
 
Sam7 said:
I don't have any friends (my best friends no longer live here unfortunately), and for the first time in my life, I'm dealing with feeling lonely. It's a really ****ty feeling and it's not helping my prospects with women since loneliness really makes you feel desperate and needy.
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I suggest you do something to get outside yourself and make yourself needed instead of needy. Find a worthwhile charity and get involved with helping others. You'll soon feel better about yourself, you'll meet lots of good people, and most importantly you'll be making a difference for people who need some help.

I'm a volunteer with Samaritan's Purse and with Engineering Ministries International, but there are lots of other good choices and they need volunteers. Food pantries, youth mentoring programs, churches, Habitat for Humanity, local schools, animal shelters, hospitals, etc., etc.

Make your life more about other people and less about yourself and good folks will find you and good things will happen. Trust me.
 
This sounds like me a decade and half ago. Just live your best life for you and just do **** that makes you a more well rounded you. In my 30s and into my 40s, I played in the World Series of Poker. I played at world softball championships. I took up guitar. I took a trip to Africa. I bought a fun car. I bought an airplane. I met a bunch of losers (j/k) from this message board. I took up bowling and qualified for the PBA tour. I struck up random conversations with people everywhere. I did all of this with ZERO intention of it getting me a girlfriend or companion.

What it did do it is make me more content with who I am, and it got me a metric **** ton of new friends. And it made me a better me. Fast forward a bunch of years and I've got a wife and kids. And I wasn't out there looking or worrying about being alone, or getting a woman.
 
Young homeowner, stable job, financially secure, hard working, healthy, well rounded. Dude, you're a keeper. Right now about 10 million women are complaining that they can't find a good man, and here you are, waiting to be found.

Plenty of good advice here. Get out and get involved in stuff. Get into some groups. Connections will come.
 
Mason said:
Find a girl who loves to fly.
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I actually have one of these in my hangar. My wife of many years bought it for me. No, she don't wax or navigate but she will take a ride now & again.
 
Friendships take work, and you're right that being non desperate is helpful. Figure out a couple of hobbies you enjoy. Flying seems to be one, so go to fly ins, join the local EAA chapter, etc. Find one other hobby (doesn't have to be a million hobbies). This could be disc golf, 4x4'ing, etc, but find something that's fun and people easily get together and do. For disc golf, learn a little bit, then just go to a public course and play. Half the time you'll get invited to join a group.
 
If you have a passion to fly,look for someone who understands and enjoys your hobby. Fly ins are a great place to meet women who enjoys socializing with aviation minded people.look for aviation social groups and hang out and attend their functions and meetings.
 
In my worthless opinion, fly-ins are a blast and you can def meet some fun people but they are the last places I’d personally recommend to meet women. As others have said, find a regular charitable thing or other recurring hobby event like a language class or cooking class. For those, even if you don’t meet someone you’ll learn something new or help people which will make you feel good about yourself.
 
Cheers, I appreciate all the great replies! I've read each one and I'm taking it all to heart.

@SkyChaser I've put in a massive amount of effort to work on my communication/listening skills (I do live improv, public speaking, conflict resolution and body language classes, etc.) because I come from a family that didn't ever communicate and I see how it really tore us apart. Communication is really important to me and I'm a very blunt and honest person so I don't think I'd have an issue with that relationship-wise. With regards to sacrifice, I've done a lot of it in the past to get to where I am today so I think I can do it again for a woman I love.

I definitely don't want to rush into a relationship for the sake of getting rid of being lonely. I certainly don't want to rush into marriage for that either so perhaps I need to forget about women and just focus on social circle first. But that is easier said than done. I have no problem building rapport with people but getting along great with people at an event or venue is definitely different than getting along with them enough to where they include you in their social circle or where they're comfortable enough to come over for a party. At my improv classes for example, we always talk about making plans to get together but it never materializes. The class ends and we all go our separate ways. It seems that post-COVID, people are just a little more closed off and very focused on work, at least this is what I've learned through conversations with others about this.

Honestly, my next big goal is working on a side business to ultimately leave my current job. As much money as it makes me, I just don't find it fulfilling or meaningful and I feel like I can do so much more in another field, I just don't know exactly what yet.

@Lndwarrior Dating ads nowadays are basically dating apps which have been a miserable waste of time. I've gotten catfished, ghosted, I've gotten escorts, gold diggers, women just interested in me for my money, women trying to rush me into marriage/kids. Some people do well on apps, I just can't seem to find anyone of substance on there and as a guy, you really have to put in a lot of time and effort into them, especially if you want a relationship and not just something casual (that's much easier).

@Half Fast I'm in the process of joining a few nonprofits. I was on the board of directors of one a few years ago and want to see if they'll have me back. I'm probably thinking a lot more about "me" than I should be admittedly. Regarding a dog, I'd love to get one but I'm not at home most of the day so leaving a pup at home by itself is not exactly fair for the little thing and I don't exactly want to stick it in a daycare all day. Ultimately, I want to build up a side business that allows me to leave my current job so that one day, I don't have to work as much and can raise my future kids along with the future wife and not have her do it all alone so I would want to treat a dog now the same way.

@EdFred I'm doing so many different things in my life right now (many of what you did) and I'm having fun but I think I definitely have some sort of underlying intent of "getting friend/meeting women" that it's probably coming across as being desperate/needy which is off-putting. Again, the loneliness thing is not fun and definitely effects you in subtle ways. I need to work on being more "happy, go lucky" and just letting go and not taking things so seriously.

@Ed Haywood Thank you sir! It really does seem that there are some great people out there but for some reason, said people can never find each other :sigh:
 
eman1200 said:
In my worthless opinion, fly-ins are a blast and you can def meet some fun people but they are the last places I’d personally recommend to meet women. As others have said, find a regular charitable thing or other recurring hobby event like a language class or cooking class. For those, even if you don’t meet someone you’ll learn something new or help people which will make you feel good about yourself.
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I wouldn't try to meet women. I would get a good group of buddies going first, then you'll have the confidence and ease to attract some great gals.
 
Welcome to the club. Get a puppy and go to the dog park. Worst case you got a friend that occasionally pees in that new house, but a friend for life.
 
@Sam7 , Just get a Tail Dragger and you'll never be lonely again. Women and buddies you never knew you had will be calling three times a day. :blueplane::blowingkisses: :cheerswine: :blueplane:
 
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